YANBU, & well done on your resolve. You might enjoy this confidence-boosting book - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208
How do you end conversations with people politely when they keep turning up uninvited and not respecting boundaries when I've asked them to let me know beforehand.
You are confusing "being polite" with "wishing to maintain a boundary but feeling undermined by someone not respecting it, so not knowing how to remain assertive while avoiding confrontation".
Don't worry - most of us have been there, it gets easier with practice (& a doddle once the people-pleasing oestrogen starts running out ...)
When you establish a boundary - let's randomly choose "please call before you pop round", it is up to you to maintain that boundary when the other person fails to respect it.
By letting the poppers-in over the threshold, you are showing them that your boundary wasn't strong enough, & they will blithely assume (because it suits their nefarious pop-in agenda, the scoundrels) that it's all ok because you didn't really mean it. Or forget that you did say it. Or just behave how they want to, because they do remember, but have no respect for you, or think their wishes over-ride yours.
So you are going to have to brace yourself, & maintain the boundary by not letting the poppers-in who have already been told to not stop fucking popping in get away with it.
So simple - but I appreciate - not easy the first time.
"Jane, as I said last week, it's best to call before you pop in, so you don't waste your journey - it's not convenient now but text me & we'll make a date for next week."
Then say goodbye AND SHUT THE DOOR.
When they push back (they will, because they are used to ignoring your request, & you are used to caving in) with the expected "Oh I'll only be 10 minutes / but I'm here now / you don't look busy / why can't you drop your plans & give me your attention immediately / insert assorted bullshit here -
RESIST THE URGE TO JADE
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
'Just repeat - "it's a shame, but as I said, it's best to call ahead as I don't have time right now, gotta dash, see you soon BYE" & SHUT THE DOOR.
Preferably with them on the other side of it - you're not THAT unassertive are you? - you've certainly been brave enough to speak up once by asking them to stop with the popping already 😀
You just need to take that initial speaking up to the next level - by insisting that your boundary is maintained.
You cannot passively hope that other people will respect it, fudge the issue by giving in & letting them get away with their bloody popping, seethe inwardly but allow it to keep happening.
I know - they will push back. They might not like it.
But do you know - that is absolutely not your problem?
You cannot allow your fear of pushback to be greater than your perfectly reasonable wish to have your boundary respected. So speak up!
One of the main elements of genuine, non-confrontational assertiveness is deciding that only you are responsible for your feelings, only you can speak up to erect & maintain your boundary, & that other people's feelings about that are not your responsibility.
Here's a visual that helped me:
Imagine your boundary is a literal brick wall.
Decide where it is going to go.
Build it up brick by brick.
Stand back & admire it. What a thing to behold!
When another person wanders by, & they don't see your boundary - it's down to you to let them know it's there. Just like you did when you asked your poppers to message/ring before popping.
If that person refuses to believe you, or disses your magnificent hand-built wall - your job is NOT to stand on the other side of it, listening to them nag or berate you for having a wall.
Your job is to walk firmly away, leaving their blustering disbelief about the wall far in the distance, where you cannot hear it, & do not have to concern yourself with it.
THAT is what your wall does for you.
You may feel uncomfortable the first few times as you walk away & hear the echoes of their discontented "by whhhhhhyyyyy can't I ignore your wall as usual?"
You'll soon get over it, & enjoy the bliss of saying what you mean, expecting it to be heard, & leaving anyone who can't get over themselves about it firmly on the other side of the wall, where they can no longer mither you.
Enjoy the book - it's an oldie but goodie 