When people "pop up" uninvited

[browniesandcakes]

When people pop up to your home uninvited, how do you get rid of them?

How do you end conversations with people politely when they keep turning up uninvited and not respecting boundaries when I've asked them to let me know beforehand.

AIBU in thinking this is rude?

Thank you 

people send text messages to check beforehand

In an ideal world, yes they would, but in reality there are still those who think it's perfectly reasonable to just appear unannounced irrespective of what you are doing.

Of course, if you are genuinely busy, tired, or just uninterested in having your privacy ignored and peace shattered, and tell them to bolt, it will invariably be YOUR fault and not the fault of the inconsiderate, ignorant git who can't even manage a simply courtesy text beforehand.

My brother. Despite numerous attempts to get him to call first to see if its convenient he never does. He comes when we are eating, he stays when we want to relax in front of tv. He used to come when it was kids bathtime. Its not just me he does it to. It was also our mother. His time is so much more important than yours you see, everybody else has to accommodate his timings and needs.

You're one if those people, aren't you?

Actually no, I rarely visit anyone - but yesterday a neighbour did say "call in anytime for a coffee"

Off topic, but who are all these people insisting on visiting unannounced?

In the past week I've had a friend, my father, and a neighbour visit unannounced - actually, my father came twice but I was out once and he just dropped something off.

I don't live in the UK - obviously a different culture!!

Grew up overseas and dependent on region, it is considered rude to pop up unannounced to someone’s home because it can be seen as assuming your time is more important than theirs and that they should stop to accommodate you. Some do it to be seen as polite and welcoming then complain about the person afterwards. As been mentioned, some won’t open the door and/or pretend they aren’t home.

I have some family members like you who don’t mind as does DH but they are all retired with few responsibilities and the time to entertain.

Just me who loves an unexpected visitor then?😅

I think the world is divided into poppers in and those who would never dream of just popping.

My late DMIL used to recall an occasion in her early married life when DH was still a small baby and they were living in a flat. One day her MIL was in town with several of her friends and they decided to pop in to see the new baby. Of course it had to be a day when the flat was a mess, washed nappies everywhere and she had to drop everything to serve tea and biscuits to these judgmental women.

Because of this she was determined never to do that to any of her DILs and would either only go if invited or would ring first to see if it was OK to call.

Unfortunately one of her DILs (now ex, not me!) who lived in the same town came from a family who were always popping in and out of each others houses and she always thought MIL and FIL stand-offish because they didn't do that

When I was a child we didn't have a telephone, many people didn't back then (60s,70s) It was quite common for relatives to turn up unannounced at the weekend. Often they had travelled a considerable distance, had several children and almost always turned up just before a meal time.

I remember numerous occasions when Mum would be putting out the welcome mat but then flapping about behind the scenes to figure out how to make the meal she had planned for five stretch to eleven!

We never have poppers in now nor do we pop. But if we were in the same area as someone we might want to see then we all have phones with us all the time don't we so we can ring to check first. There is no excuse for turning up completely unannounced.

My dh had a friend who used to call round unannounced with his partner fairly regularly on a Friday night. They rocked up with booze about 7.30pm and would stay until the early hours.

I used to absolutely HATE it. All I wanted to do was come home from work on a Friday night, have dinner, get into my pjs and put my then young children to bed. I found these visits intrusive and socially not acceptable; and it caused a lot of arguments between my dh and I at the time. I felt he should have said something etc but I guess it is hard to broach without causing offence.

The worst was a visit on Christmas Eve when we had planned to build a dolls house for my dd where they stayed until 2am Christmas morning.

I myself never call unannounced and always make sure I ring first and check it is ok.

Years later, dh's friend, having split from his wife and with a new partner questioned me about his unannounced visits as his new partner said it wasn't ok to just call over without checking first. I was then able to be honest with him.

I think it is partly a generation thing !! I was in my late 20s before I had a mobile so it is common amongst my friends to call in if they are in my direction.
I do the same in the knowledge that if not convenient we just say so !
Ironically I am in trouble with a friend because I posted a birthday card through her door and didn’t knock…I was on my way to work!!
Everyone weirdly enough go about their lives differently…horses for courses IMHO.!

@SquirrelG

Another one of these weird threads! People here still pop in to see other people - what we do is welcome them, offer them a coffee, and sit and chat!

I'm from a culture where this is totally the norm

Many years ago a mate of DH casually walked into our front door (it wasnt locked) in the evening when DD (she was about 12) was home alone whilst I was walking the dog. It scared the hell out of DD who was in her room and then heard this man walking around our house. I sent him a txt to never do that again. Just awful, he meant no harm but dear god walking into someone's else without knocking.

Also I am living abroad, and its really normal protocol not to turn up unannounced. Only my neighbour does it but we are quite close, and we share the neighbourhood gossip😀

Don't answer the door. I don't answer it unless I am expecting someone or a parcel.
Turning up unannounced is rude.

I think it's possibly a generational thing. DM, DMIL and my Nan think nothing of turning up unannounced. None of my friends do it and I wouldn't do it to anyone else.

Modern communications mean in my opinion it is something you should not do, unless an emergency such as someone being rushed to hospital.

My FiL does this. Used to turn up unannounced when my DS was a baby and I'd always be in the middle of breast feeding or getting the baby to sleep. I'm afraid I used to just not open the door, but then he'd ring later and ask where I'd been! I felt I could never relax in my own home and it spoilt things for me really. He got the message for a while, then started again. Covid was wonderful for me as he couldn't come in!

I’ve just ignored a friend hammering on the door … two missed calls and a voicemail. I mean really! I’d tap once on the door and then leave.

After the initial 20 seconds of pretending to be happy to see them, "oh, i'd offer you a drink but I'm up to my eyeballs in it here and I've got to be away in 20 minutes. Let's get together soon though". At which point I'd pretty much just carry on with what I was doing until they got the message.

Don't answer the door!

Squirrel, the only thing that's weird is your insinstence that People Who Do Things Differently From Me Are Weird. It indicates an awfully closed mind.

I don't find your propensity for popping weird, I accept it. Bully for you.
It's hardly a matter of superior moral fibre though, is it?

Why are you so het up about calling other people weird for simply having different customs & preferences? It's not a very global outlook, despite you taking the name of the planet in vain ...

I don't live in the UK - obviously a different culture!!

Sure ... obviously your culture's humans are 100% homogenised, & every single inhabitant of your country behaves exactly the same as the other, & you all share the same preferences & habits.

It must be true, because the only other alternative would be that you are talking out of your hat & imagining you can speak for every fellow citizen ... & we couldn't have that, could we?

Not at all! You & Squirrel should swap details.

Make sure you don't both set out at once though, or you'll each find the other Not At Home, & start to dwell on this thread, & wonder if she's hiding behind the curtains instead of giving you the promised impromptu welcome ...

I have no issue whatsoever with people popping in - they are more then welcome to do so.

Oddly though - I don’t know a soul who does this! And I wouldn’t dream of doing it to anyone.

It’s just so presumptuous.

I live in a community with several very good friends close by (as in, walking distance). We catch up regularly. By arrangement.

If I need to check in on one of my friends, we either arrange to meet as above ^^ or we call each other for a catch up.

It works really, really well.

No-one is taken by surprise. No-one has to drop something they’re already doing to accomodate anyone else. And the social wheels are kept well and truly oiled.

You carry on doing what you are doing - in that scenario, they don't even make it into the house. Might even be offered some secateurs or a rake.

However it isn't rude to pop in on people. I love people popping in.
If I were working in the front garden, I would carry on with that.
If I were in the back garden I wouldn't hear them.
If I am in the house and not doing anything that can't be put off for a bit I would stick the kettle on and sit down for a natter.
If I were wfh, I would say so as I answered the door, and wouldn't let them in.

I really like seeing people if they are nearby, and would be sad to think they hadn't knocked the door to see if I were free.