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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about SIL comments?

37 replies

SILhelp · 21/04/2022 12:50

...about children and me?

SIL has three lovely little ones and we've know eachother a long time. I've never mentioned an interest in having kids myself but I take an interest in hers and am always supportive and positive. But the comments are every time I see her, she seems to have decided for me I'm going to have kids and talk like it's a given. It making me a bit down about seeing her and making our relationship hard though I don't know she's noticed. Pressure from my parents and society generally in women to have kids is already such a weight when not sure (the idea of a child seems nice but the realities I see day to day seem overwhelming and do not fill me personally with excitement, nothing meant to people who chose to have them its everyone's personal choice and I positively support people who make that choice). While I can tune out a lot of that when I see her SILs comments make me feel like im a disappointment or silently judged or looked down on because I don't have kids or am not v maternal.

Comments like 'its so sad realising our children won't grow up together', 'You'll need to consider properties that are good for children', 'Hope mine don't put you off when you're having children', " when you have kids..." 'You can tell you don't have children!' (at non kid friendly furnishings in my new home), infantilizing my hobbies as if they're a children's hobby, referring to me as if I'm a maternal figure to my partner, and getting irritated with me if I'm not watching her kids when SIL wanders off as I'm expected to help with care.

Other family and friends with children dont constantly make comments, so I'm in no way saying this is the reason but I don't know what is. Every time she says something like this I brush it off, change subject or generally make it clear I'm not interested in this chat but its been years and she wont take the hint. Any advice from the wisdom of mumsnet on how to deal with this? Any insight on why she would do this so I can understand better? I want to have a positive relationship with her.

OP posts:
Unsureaboutit9 · 21/04/2022 12:52

Have you told her you don’t want children? Sorry if I’ve missed that in your OP

Unsureaboutit9 · 21/04/2022 12:52

Also how old are you?

Aimee1987 · 21/04/2022 12:57

I'd be honest and upfront. Everytime she says it say I'm not having kids.

I I wanted kids and love them but I really dont understand the pressure put on other to procreate.

Topseyt123 · 21/04/2022 12:57

Be more direct. Tell her bluntly to please stop commenting because you have already decided you don't want children.

She is being very insensitive to be honest, so don't worry about being blunt. Remember though that she isn't psychic. She sounds like one who might need things spelled out.

BikiniB0tt0m · 21/04/2022 12:59

Either say "I don't want children though" every time she says it or say "it's not something I'm interested in doing right now so it doesn't apply to me does it?" On repeat hopefully she will get it through her head. People like that don't get hints and their lives are taken up with just talking about their kids (I find it really boring) I have kids but I have my own interests and life and know unless asked about it, not to go on and on about them.

Brefugee · 21/04/2022 13:02

I had my children relatively late because i absolutely didn't want any (until i did) and i had so many conversations with people about it, which made me angry.

In the end i just used to say "stop. I will leave if you keep on about it" and then used to walk away. First few times were very hard, and i got a lot of negative shit (esp from SILs) but it got through very quickly. Is that an option? (don't underestimate a) how hard it is and b) the shit you get for it)

I did the same if conversations were dominated by child / baby talk etc. I just used to very obviously change the subject and doggedly go on and on about boring shit to annoy them. The point was taken.

Bluechinavase · 21/04/2022 13:03

I feel your frustration. Why is it a given that someone’s womb is anyone else’s business. Stick to your guns and gently explain that you have no intention of having children. I have no idea why some folk bang on about it other than to justify their own life choices.

i am a parent. It is hard and overwhelming at times and the worry and responsibility never leaves me. I love mine but objectively I would probably be a better person in myself had i not had any, for all the reasons you stated OP

Poptart4 · 21/04/2022 13:03

Have you told her you don't want children?

Just tell her bluntly and the comments will probably stop.

TweetTweetMF · 21/04/2022 13:04

Just be blunt and tell her the truth? Why haven't you?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2022 13:07

Sorry, op, but this is really a "you" problem at this point. You have to be crystal clear with your SIL that any discussion about you having children is completely off the table. This nonsense needs to end.

EmmaH2022 · 21/04/2022 13:09

OP I know the feeling
I silently judge people who say stupid shit like this
Though I try to give them a dirty look too, lol

A childfree boss was visiting her parents abroad. They kept on and on about it. She told them "talk like this and I'm not visiting again". She walked out of their house and found a hotel.

They never mentioned it again.

Tell your SIL you'll go NC.

Or try passive aggressive and say sympathetically "do you worry that you'll regret having kids one day?" That would be fun..

plenty of people with children are fine with others not having them. Sadly I'm not sure you can have a good relationship with someone who has no respect for your life choices.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 21/04/2022 13:13

Is SIL your DP’s sister (rather than your brother’s wife)?

I understand your frustration completely, it’s so rude for people to comment on your child choices. My window cleaner asks without fail when I’ll be having another baby… and has done since my DS was born practically.

And the most infuriating thing is the obliviousness to the fact it’s rude, so if you say something back (e.g. it’s none of your business), then you seem like the rude one!

I would just have to say something like, I really don’t want to constantly discuss whether or not I’m going to have children.

p.s. do you see SIL and kids a lot without your DP? Why does he not get these comments?

jealousgirl · 21/04/2022 13:33

I would say "I'd prefer not to talk about my fertility and medical history if that's ok?"

Original poster
SILhelp · 21/04/2022 14:33

Thank you everybody for the messages, I wondered if I was maybe being too sensitive. to respond to some questions, we're in our 30s, we spend time just us two when these comments tend to be made. I honestly thought my way of handling it by never answering and obviously switching to something else repeatedly would have got the message across. If I'm outright they may then want to discuss it in detail, which i really wouldnt want to. I just dont know what makes them want to make the comments.

OP posts:
Itshothothot · 21/04/2022 14:37

I don’t understand why people think children are desirable to have.

there is so much more to life than having kids

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 21/04/2022 14:42

jealousgirl · 21/04/2022 13:33

I would say "I'd prefer not to talk about my fertility and medical history if that's ok?"

I had an aunt who went on and on and ON about when I was going to have my first, until I managed, just the once, to say, "How can you?" and burst into tears and had to be consoled about not being able to have a baby. The subject was not mentioned again even when I did get pregnant a few years later, I suppose because she was afraid I might miscarry.

billy1966 · 21/04/2022 14:48

Why are you tolerating such rudeness for years?

She sounds absolutely ghastly and thick as shit with it.

You need to nip this in the bud and not be diplomatic about it.

I would be actively avoiding her company.

What a tedious bore.

Courante · 21/04/2022 14:57

She either lacks awareness of how she is coming across and genuinely doesn't realise how draining and hurtful she's being or she is isn't a particularly nice person IMO.
I think it is time you found out which one it is by telling her how it makes you feel to be in the receiving end of this all the time, not by challenging her the next time she does it but by specifically picking a time to talk about this with her (in person or on the phone) - just you and her. You decide how much you want to share - they is absolutely no need to justify your position. She may ask you personal questions, as she doesn't really seem to understand boundaries - so go prepared with how you will gently steer her in the direction of understanding how inappropriate she is being.
Flowers

ForeverSingle881 · 21/04/2022 15:18

Just say you're not interested in having kids at all. You can't expect people to be mind readers. If she reacts badly or still goes on about it then you know she's a bitch and you can distance yourself from her. If you've never said you don't want kids, you hang around hers a lot and are married to her brother, it's really not a big assumption to make. Her kids are probably her whole world right now so she.might just be a bit self absorbed.

sayanythingelse · 21/04/2022 15:24

You need to be straight with her because she's obviously not getting the hint.

DH and I are secretly gutted that we'll probably never have nieces or nephews. My brother has ASD and will never live independently and BIL isn't keen on having his own kids. I'm sad for my DD that she'll never have cousins to play with but I would never say anything to BIL. It's not my decision. Your SIL obviously doesn't have the same tact.

YouAreNotBatman · 21/04/2022 15:25

Your SIL is an asshole and a bitch.
That is all.
Nothing else to add.
Except that she’s also a cu……..

forrestgreen · 21/04/2022 15:32

Dear dsil, I just wanted to send a quick text to reply to a few comments that have been made recently y about mine and dp plans for children. I don't think we've ever discussed that we don't want children. We'd be really grateful if you'd stop bringing it up. We of course love your dc but have no plans for our own. Thanks, see you soon x

Unsureaboutit9 · 21/04/2022 15:58

I think if it is bothering you you need to be direct, how is she suppose to no you don’t want kids if you’ve never said?

whenwilliwillibefamous · 21/04/2022 16:19

I think, "How can you?!" and bursting into tears might be a very effective technique, but sadly not one you should use deliberately.

Take her aside somewhere private the next time you see her and she's once again ignored the "change subject/deflection/not answer" technique, and say, look, this is not a subject I want to discuss with anyone for very private, personal reasons, please don't assume we're going to have children from this point on, I know you just want us to be as happy as you and don't mean ANY harm but I'd be very grateful if you could do this.
Possibly with damp eyes and a hug.

She's not malicious so make sure she knows you don't think that - no point in having a rift or a row.

Moochio · 21/04/2022 16:42

I would spell it out to her. Ask her not to assume you're having kids. If you want tell her it upsets you to keep talking about it.