To be upset about SIL comments?

[SILhelp]

...about children and me?

SIL has three lovely little ones and we've know eachother a long time. I've never mentioned an interest in having kids myself but I take an interest in hers and am always supportive and positive. But the comments are every time I see her, she seems to have decided for me I'm going to have kids and talk like it's a given. It making me a bit down about seeing her and making our relationship hard though I don't know she's noticed. Pressure from my parents and society generally in women to have kids is already such a weight when not sure (the idea of a child seems nice but the realities I see day to day seem overwhelming and do not fill me personally with excitement, nothing meant to people who chose to have them its everyone's personal choice and I positively support people who make that choice). While I can tune out a lot of that when I see her SILs comments make me feel like im a disappointment or silently judged or looked down on because I don't have kids or am not v maternal.

Comments like 'its so sad realising our children won't grow up together', 'You'll need to consider properties that are good for children', 'Hope mine don't put you off when you're having children', " when you have kids..." 'You can tell you don't have children!' (at non kid friendly furnishings in my new home), infantilizing my hobbies as if they're a children's hobby, referring to me as if I'm a maternal figure to my partner, and getting irritated with me if I'm not watching her kids when SIL wanders off as I'm expected to help with care.

Other family and friends with children dont constantly make comments, so I'm in no way saying this is the reason but I don't know what is. Every time she says something like this I brush it off, change subject or generally make it clear I'm not interested in this chat but its been years and she wont take the hint. Any advice from the wisdom of mumsnet on how to deal with this? Any insight on why she would do this so I can understand better? I want to have a positive relationship with her.

That's fine, just say you don't want to discuss it. It may be blunt but I don't think it's rude.

Urgh my dh used to do this to one of our friends. I told him repeatedly not everyone has kids. Friend then told him she couldn't have kids infront of a huge group of people- he was mortified and finally saw the light. Friend later confided that she didnt know as she hadnt tried for children but wanted to shut him up. He has been more wiser since

It sounds like your SIL is just assuming that you will one day have kids.
I think you will have to be blunt (not rude) and say the words, because changing the subject isn't working.
I don't want children
I don't intend to have children
I like my life the way it is
etc etc

Next time just whisper you used to be a man so no dc any time soon..
She is extremely rude imo.

Tell her that actually you hate children and you're expecting to be child-free for life. That'll shut her up.

*not that you do, but it's extremely presumptuous and rude of her to keep making these comments.

I wonder if she sees your child-free status as a sort of attack on her own choices

Simply tell her you do not plan to have any children. That should stop the comments assuming you are having them?

And then if you do it's a nice surprise for her.

Also it sounds as though she would then go onto 'no you must have children/who will take care of you when you're old?' and things.

To that you should say 'that makes me feel really sad when you say those things'

She really should rethink her choices after that to be honest and if not, she sounds not all there.

I think just tell her straight out that you love her kids but kids are not for you full time. Tell her you have thought long and hard and won’t change your mind ever.

Any advice from the wisdom of mumsnet on how to deal with this? Any insight on why she would do this so I can understand better? I want to have a positive relationship with her.

'Dear SIL, I do feel sorry for those who made the decision to have children without realising until it's too late how restricting, draining and career ruining they are. It's such a joy to be able to have a lovely home, knowing it won't be destroyed by grimey fingers!'
Smile, head tilt and walk away.

@Itshothothot

I don’t understand why people think children are desirable to have.

there is so much more to life than having kids

This.

It infuriates me when people assume that all women want or should want children, or that we're missing out if we don't.

My cousins all have children and have made comments to me like this in the past. I've told them straight that I do not want children. They seem enormously insulted by this, and I then have to sit through an interrogation about why I wouldn't etc.

One of them is very pushy with me on the subject. I'm always tempted to point out to get that she constantly complains about being exhausted/stressed/skint/never getting a break or a holiday.

Tell your SIL that you like kids, but couldn't eat a whole one..
Then on a serious note, tell her ypu don't want kids and that you don't have to explain why to anyone