3 months post separation too early for daughters to meet ex's new girlfriend?

[MilitantMandy]

My husband and I separated in January - he left me with the children. I had previously asked him to leave several times due to drinking and obnoxious behaviour. Ostensibly he left due to his own "unhappiness" but it soon emerged he had an emotional relationship for two years with a woman he had met online. A week later he was visiting her abroad and he has been over there since - he is "in love" with her and they are "a couple." She is now coming over to visit him as well.

There are loads of issues, financial and otherwise, and obviously the whole thing is miserable and humiliating for me, but luckily he isn't physically violent or anything very scary. He is very insistent however that my children meet his girlfriend and I have said that IF I've met her first AND I feel I can trust her (I mean hahahahaha in the circumstances but anyway) the children can meet her, but not until next year. This has driven my husband to distraction and he is sending long nasty messages about "custody" and me not having the right to determine that. They are also insisting on going to pubs etc less than 5 minutes' walk from my house, so I feel a little terrorised as I don't want the girls to see them together. And he doesn't even live in the area any more - and London is a big place ffs.

So what i would like to know is whether iabu in saying it's too early for them to see children as a couple, for the following reasons:

1. I can't trust her as she was a factor in breakdown of marriage
2. Girls are young (12 and 10) and easily manipulated
3. They may split up
4. Worried about them taking girls abroad
5. Effect on me - girls see me more upset
6. Girls still processing what has happened - just seems to early to me
7. Worried it's being used as a stick to beat me with, and to prove seriousness to girlfriend
8. Just too bloody early and raw for all of us
9. Safeguarding issue around drinking if he has them for weekends away etc (currently under control) - now agitating for whole weekends

Please tell me : AIBU to say girls don't meet her until early 2023, once I've met her myself?

Sorry OP, I know it's hard and it is shit but it really isn't your call to make. Assuming the girls are safe and loved, it's up to him what happens in his contact time. There's thread after thread on here of mum's not wanting their exes to introduce affair partners but there's nothing that can be done about it. I asked mine to give it some time, he didn't. It doesn't feel fair but it's just how it is. I'm not sure what you mean about the abroad concerns though- but presumably if they have passports then keep them safe or even store them with someone else if you're worried.

Its so difficult op, I felt the same, but realistically you can't insist on anything, he is an equal (in law) parent and can decide as much as you.

Would you allow him to dictate who you an have around the kids, insist on meeting everyone you introduce them to first etc?

Having been in a similar situation my only advice is to just be on hand with some stock phrases in response to him, and be ready to pick up the pieces when the shit inevitably hits the fan. Your dc will see him for who he is, it's better that happens sooner rather than later imo.

I understand your concern. But it's not your choice to make.

It's not your decision to make and you have no right to insist on meeting her first either.

I know how hard it must be, but think about it - would you want him having that level of control over any of your future relationships?

I mean, what if he insisted on meeting your future partner, decided he didn't like him and refused to let you introduce him to your own children?

Unfortunately you’re just going to have to suck it up. The way you feel is entirely understandable but this is beyond your control.

Ummmmm I don’t know why everyone is being so reasonable at all. Not acceptable for him to introduce them to a girlfriend he’s basically just met, and of course you have the right to place rules on who they can be around and the situations they might be put in if those situations are potentially dangerous emotionally or physically

I don’t think you should insist on meeting her, that’s a bit weird imo. I personally think 3 months is too early but not sure what you can do about it legally. I understand how upsetting it must be.

I’m so sorry op, but you are BU here I’m afraid. In the sense that he is an equal parent (in the eyes of the law), and what he does in his time with his kids is up to him. He can introduce them to whoever he wants. You have no right to meet her either if she doesn’t want to I’m afraid. I would focus less on this - as you can’t change it and focusing on it may make it harder to move on if that makes sense?

It’s frustrating but I don’t think you can dictate to him who the children meet when they’re in his custody.

Morally unacceptable, unfortunately it's legally perfectly acceptable.

Ops list of reasons are basically a list of what ifs that a court wouldn't be interested in, and, if it did go as far as court the op would be seen as being obstructive.

You're not going to get to make this decision, unfortunately. You're not wrong, but he can introduce them to anybody he likes on his time with them unless there's a court order involved.

Good luck.

As difficult as it is, you don't get to dictate whether he introduces the children to a new partner or not and you don't get to insist on meeting her first - would you accept him doing this to you and any future partners you have?

You need to be calm about the issue for the sake of your DC as you being stressed and uset will make them stressed and upset. Take the power play out of it too by not giving the dickhead the reaction he so obviously wants.

It could also be worth considering applying to the family court to formalise contact arrangements, particularly if you have safeguarding concerns or are worried he might take them abroad and not return them. This would also mean he can't make vague threats to you about "custody".

Can you hide their passports somewhere? That's the worst case scenario obviously. Everything else is poor form on your exes part but not something that would be easy to control. How long is she over for? The fact they are planning on staying local is a good thing in a way as you will be nearby. Make sure it's just an afternoon or lunch and no more to start with. Also you could say to your DDs that your ex hasn't been seeing this woman that long so to just treat her as a new friend and not expect more.

What you're going through sounds very hard however.

Nowt like 2 sullen dc to dampen a new relationship op....
Out of your control sadly.

I think it's a bit odd to want to meet her first, but I also think it's way too soon to introduce boyfriends and girlfriends to your children.

He is clearly a twat though, and they are usually difficult to reason with.

Sorry this has happened OP but yes you are being unreasonable.

Also with regards to your DDs, kids are pretty resilient and tend to accept changes like this far more easily than the 'wronged' parent.

What normally fucks kids up isn't the break-up, it's how the adults act afterwards.

Sorry @MilitantMandy, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on in a family court room.

1. I can't trust her as she was a factor in breakdown of marriage - family court won't care
2. Girls are young (12 and 10) and easily manipulated - family court won't care
3. They may split up - family court won't care
4. Worried about them taking girls abroad - court sees holidays as beneficial to children where there are no proven safeguarding risks, so you wouldn't be able to prevent this in time
5. Effect on me - girls see me more upset - family court won't care
6. Girls still processing what has happened - just seems to early to me - family court won't care
7. Worried it's being used as a stick to beat me with, and to prove seriousness to girlfriend - family court won't care
8. Just too bloody early and raw for all of us - family court won't care
9. Safeguarding issue around drinking if he has them for weekends away etc (currently under control) - now agitating for whole weekends - is his drinking an actual recognised issue?

Please tell me : AIBU to say girls don't meet her until early 2023, once I've met her myself? - yes you are being unreasonable with this time scale and with regards meeting her yourself? That's just weird.

What he chooses to do on his time with the girls is his choice - you can't control that.

I’d take legal advice and formalise access through the divorce courts OP. I appreciate how difficult all this is and I am sorry that you’re going through it.

Re: point 5 “effect on me” - I think it’s very important that you keep your kids out of any arguments, dramas etc. The effect of the divorce on you should not be made into their problem. They need to see you coping.

While I don't think it's ideal, you have no control over who sees is children when it's his contact. If there are safeguarding concerns then supervised contact might be warranted, but not for introducing your children to someone you don;'t want your children to meet.

Personally, I think waiting a year for a new partner to meet the kids is sensible. However, unfortunately it really isn't up to you. You can ask to meet her but you can't insist and you aren't in control of the time frame. On his time he can do what he wants as long as it isn't a risk to the children.

While I can understand and agree with all the points you make, the fact is you have no say whatsoever in whether your ex introduces his girlfriend or not. I asked my ex to wait to introduce our 3 year old to his girlfriend. He didn't wait, and felt it wise to introduce her as ''your new mummy'' - can you imagine the confusion in a 3 year old? The courts criticized him for the confusion he unnecessarily caused an infant who was already struggling but beyond that nothing more was said of it. Had she been 10 or 12 they wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

Yes it sucks, yes it's in poor taste, yes it's inconsiderate, yes it's very cliché but when it comes to children of divorce none of this matters. You'll need to work on separating how you feel about how he has treated you from what is in your children's best interest - which per the family court is to see their Father regularly. How he parents is really neither here or there. The most important thing is how you respond to this, if you make an issue out of it it will become an issue for your children. It's like asking your kids to pick a side and that is what creates loyalty binds and messes kids up massively in divorce. It's hard, I still remember how awful it was when my ex did this with the woman he'd been having an affair with for god knows how long.. It took ever inch of self control I had to never let is show and I'm glad I didn't. About 8 years after we'd separated I was out with my daughter and she out of the blue thanked me for never having made it difficult or about me when it came to her Dad / step Mother.

Children eventually see their parents for who they are. Be the parent that puts them first here, they'll thank you one day.

Of course 3 months is far too soon for your DC to meet your EX's new girlfriend, however what your EX does in his time with your DC has nothing to do with you (assuming no safeguarding issues).

Your reasons 1-9 bear absolutely no relevance to anything that should dictate who your EX introduces your shared DC to. He is their equal parent.

So YABVVU, and I wouldn't be surprised if he introduces her to them on their next visit.

Like others have said, you can't actually stop him from introducing his children to anyone. Nor can you insist on meeting her ever. In fact, you will be the one to get into bother if you withhold contact because of this. Be reasonable about holidays too because if you refuse he can take you to court to make it happen. Unfortunately, this is the reality of separate parenting.

You just can’t dictate this stuff. He can do what he likes in this regard. It sucks when someone lacks decent judgement but nothing you can do about it.

I'd say 3m is a bit quicker I'd want to leave it a couple of months longer. You meeting her first is a a great idea in theory (if it's more about getting to know each other than interviewing her) but their may not be keen.