3 months post separation too early for daughters to meet ex's new girlfriend?

[MilitantMandy]

My husband and I separated in January - he left me with the children. I had previously asked him to leave several times due to drinking and obnoxious behaviour. Ostensibly he left due to his own "unhappiness" but it soon emerged he had an emotional relationship for two years with a woman he had met online. A week later he was visiting her abroad and he has been over there since - he is "in love" with her and they are "a couple." She is now coming over to visit him as well.

There are loads of issues, financial and otherwise, and obviously the whole thing is miserable and humiliating for me, but luckily he isn't physically violent or anything very scary. He is very insistent however that my children meet his girlfriend and I have said that IF I've met her first AND I feel I can trust her (I mean hahahahaha in the circumstances but anyway) the children can meet her, but not until next year. This has driven my husband to distraction and he is sending long nasty messages about "custody" and me not having the right to determine that. They are also insisting on going to pubs etc less than 5 minutes' walk from my house, so I feel a little terrorised as I don't want the girls to see them together. And he doesn't even live in the area any more - and London is a big place ffs.

So what i would like to know is whether iabu in saying it's too early for them to see children as a couple, for the following reasons:

1. I can't trust her as she was a factor in breakdown of marriage
2. Girls are young (12 and 10) and easily manipulated
3. They may split up
4. Worried about them taking girls abroad
5. Effect on me - girls see me more upset
6. Girls still processing what has happened - just seems to early to me
7. Worried it's being used as a stick to beat me with, and to prove seriousness to girlfriend
8. Just too bloody early and raw for all of us
9. Safeguarding issue around drinking if he has them for weekends away etc (currently under control) - now agitating for whole weekends

Please tell me : AIBU to say girls don't meet her until early 2023, once I've met her myself?

I agree with you that it's far too soon.

I also agree with all the posters pointing out that you can't do a damned thing about it

You cannot insist on meeting her first, and your approval isn't required (just as he doesn't get a right of veto on your future friends). And you can't lay down a timetable for him - I think an attempt to do that is also bad tactics, as its just a random time and it would be easy to make you look like a capricious control freak if he needs to argue for contact/holidays in court

He is their DDad, and unless you think he is planning on abducting then to live abroad, of course he can take them on holiday.

As a pp said, this is the nasty reality of separate parenting. Don't make it hard for the DDs to see their DDad, don't leave them feeling bad if they enjoy his company. Don't mention the new woman and don't ask any questions about her.

Do tell him that you think its far too soon, that it's been only three monnhs and you think everyone needs to have settled into the new pattern of coparenting for a little longer.

One big worry is that she will be the first of a parade of new girlfriends, but there's no way you're going to make him doubt for one second that she's not the great love of his life. So even though its a very good point, it won't work as a tactic right now.

This is tough, but I think your best bet is to wave them off and tell them to have a nice time and to enjoy seeing their father. And to continue to be the rock they can always come home to

Echoing PP, it really isn't up to you. I understand as I'm divorced myself but you can't make those kind of demands.

Presumably you trust your ex husband with the children, so you also have to trust his decisions when they are in his care.

Asking to meet her first to see if you "trust" her is ridiculous, how could you achieve that in one meeting? Do you usually decide that you can or can't trust someone after meeting them once?

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where you don't really get a say.

I really don't disagree with you that it's too soon but I still voted YABU.

and I have said that IF I've met her first AND I feel I can trust her (I mean hahahahaha in the circumstances but anyway) the children can meet her, but not until next year

You can't demand stuff like this. It isn't for you to tell him what he can and can't do or who he can and can't introduce his children to. They are just as much his as yours and he can do what he likes with them during his time (safeguarding concerns aside which this is not).

This is one of those things where we much as people remand you have a right as the childrens mother to know X Y or Z, you actually don't have any right to veto the people your children's dad wants them to meet on his time. Not legally or even morally really imo.

By all means tell him you're uncomfortable with it but no you cannot tell him he can't do something.

And agree with PP. You're never going to know whether you trust someone after one brief meeting.

You don't want them to meet her, for their sakes but I also think because you just don't like it either, and this is your way of trying to control that situation. But it's not up to you.

this is one of those things where *as much as people demand...

Stupid phone.

I understand why you feel as you do. However you can't insist on anything

If he's a fit person to have access to the DC without supervision you can't dictate what he does while he has them and this includes introducing them to whom ever he likes

I have never met my ex's now wife - never wanted to and never will. She's been at two events I've been at and I've just nodded in passing to her. Whether I approve of her or not is irrelevant - he's picked her, she's in their lives regardless.

I agree with you that three months is early, but next year is completely unrealistic! As others have said, you just have to suck it up and concentrate on co-parenting amicably. That's the main aim here.

Understand your pain but you can't lay down the law in this way.

I totally understand how you are feeling however as has been said you don’t have a say on when to make that call, he effectively can do what he likes with them during his time…..unless it becomes a safeguarding issue, in which case you have to take photos, keep a written record and then report it to social services for advice. All the family court will care is that the children are having a relationship with their father however hard that is for you. Be the bigger parent (not to sound patronising so apologies if it does) gather your thoughts and feelings and keep them away from the children, encourage the relationship (they will see him for what he is!) be there for them and comfort them, show them that you love them and will keep them safe and in the long run they will know who really cares about their welfare. Good luck sweetheart