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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to my friend about this or leave it?

41 replies

janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 16:37

YANBU - bring it up
YABU - don't bring it up

Ive had a male friend since childhood, we are now late 20s and early 30s. Always platonic, nothing has ever happened between us and we've gone on holiday with our partners etc over the years/ visit each other from time to time. I get on with his girlfriend and she has always been kind to me, although there have been one or two jealous comments over the years and nothing more.

He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 3 years and have planned for stop in and see him for a few days on the way to meet up with other friends for a longer trip nearby. He offered me to stay at his home but I declined and booked a hotel, then we made our plans for the visit.

Now I find out his girlfriend is also coming to stay with him and he therefore may not be able to meet for the first day or so - he made a point of saying this will be the first time she has visited him in 2 years of them being long distance. So that suggests to me she has done this on purpose given she could have chosen any other weekend and she knows I'm visiting.

It bothers me because 1) I will potentially miss out on a day of time spent and probably won't see him again for another 2 years and 2) it makes me feel his girlfriend is distrusting which I find upsetting.

Am I overthinking?

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 16:41

Also to clarify - he asked if I would have a chance to stop in and see him on my way to meet friends. I did l, booked it, and therefore the plan was made.

I think to then say 'actually I've now made other plans' on day one due to the effort isn't great.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 16:44

I would tell him exactly how I feel about this, but that's me.

AlisonDonut · 20/04/2022 16:51

I'd unmake the plans to see him.

Thestagshead · 20/04/2022 16:53

He’s only seen his girlfriend once in person in two years? Or does he usually go to her and as he can’t this time as you are visiting she’s coming to him?

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 16:54

@AlisonDonut it's too late as it's booked and paid for now.

He left a message and sounded nervous telling me she was coming that weekend. I'll still have a day and a half with him after that, but I think I will have to say something. I don't want to get into a disagreement but it's a bit disrespectful when plans are made.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 16:55

@Thestagshead he goes to visit her 3 weeks roughly. He always goes to her.

He spent last weekend with her as usual and then would've seen her again 2 or 3 weeks after that. She surprised him by saying she would come to him again the next week. She knew our plans by this stage

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 20/04/2022 16:57

What would he have done if you had agreed to stay with him? Turfed you out?!

neverbeenskiing · 20/04/2022 16:57

If you do say something, what would you want the outcome to be? Do you want him to make himself available to see you those first couple of days as agreed? Or do you just want him to know you're pissed off? Realistically, he's not going to want you tagging along on his first couple of days with a girlfriend he hasn't seen in person for two years, and even if he did wouldn't you find that awkward?

cstaff · 20/04/2022 16:57

I would be pissed off if I was in your position tbh. It does sound like the GF has trust issues. Otherwise there is no reason that she could have come over a different weekend.

If, like you say, he was nervous telling you, then this probably did come from her and he knows that it is wrong. I would have to say something or change the date if possible.

neverbeenskiing · 20/04/2022 16:58

Sorry just seen he's been meeting up with her regularly over the 2 years. That does paint things in a different light.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 17:00

@MichelleScarn I wondered the same! That might have been different.

He just saw her last weekend @neverbeenskiing - I don't see any reason why we can't still meet, with her there for one day or an afternoon. I've had plenty of trips with her. Failing that i'd probably have liked to know the change of plan sooner and ask him why he double booked when he knew I was visiting.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/04/2022 17:02

I mean it's his fault really, he's the one who made plans with you, he should have either told her not to come as he had already made unchangeable plans or he should still see you and bring her along. Yes she may have done it because she's insecure about your friendship with him but ultimately it's his fault for allowing her to influence him into changing his plans with you

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2022 17:04

Yeah, id just say "sorry to hear you have double booked me, I'm going to head to other friends earlier. Let me know if I can swap to a quick visit on my return route or if you are busy then no problem"

AryaStarkWolf · 20/04/2022 17:05

And yes absolutely bring it up and tell him he's a gobshite for messing you around like that

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 17:08

AryaStarkWolf · 20/04/2022 17:02

I mean it's his fault really, he's the one who made plans with you, he should have either told her not to come as he had already made unchangeable plans or he should still see you and bring her along. Yes she may have done it because she's insecure about your friendship with him but ultimately it's his fault for allowing her to influence him into changing his plans with you

Absolutely @AryaStarkWolf - don't blame her at all although I'm disappointed as I thought we got on fine. Even message each other etc sometimes.

He is the one not standing up to her and saying a plan was made already.

OP posts:
Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 17:08

AlisonDonut · 20/04/2022 16:51

I'd unmake the plans to see him.

I suspect he will be relieved
not seen the op, a friend, for 3 years
not seen his girlfriend for 2 years

i know who i would want to maximise time with in his shoes

Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 17:09

janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 17:00

@MichelleScarn I wondered the same! That might have been different.

He just saw her last weekend @neverbeenskiing - I don't see any reason why we can't still meet, with her there for one day or an afternoon. I've had plenty of trips with her. Failing that i'd probably have liked to know the change of plan sooner and ask him why he double booked when he knew I was visiting.

You’ve had absolutely No contact with her in any level verbal or otherwise for a MIN of 3 years

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2022 17:12

Ah ok - they do see each other regularly. Maybe she wants to join in your plans?

whitewashing · 20/04/2022 17:13

Itshonestlynotthathard he saw his girlfriend last weekend and visits her regularly.

BrimFullOfAsher · 20/04/2022 17:15

Can you bot see them both?

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 17:15

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2022 17:12

Ah ok - they do see each other regularly. Maybe she wants to join in your plans?

Fine with me. He has prefaced it by saying he thinks she will be 'too tired' to do anything/meet up so we might need to wait until she leaves to carry on our plans.

To be honest I'm assuming it's coming from her but maybe it isn't. I'd be happy to see her - like I said never had any issues.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2022 17:17

Ah ok. Yeah that's odd then. I can't imagine me or dh ever blocking the other spending time with an old friend. We would either join in or wave the other off.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 17:20

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2022 17:17

Ah ok. Yeah that's odd then. I can't imagine me or dh ever blocking the other spending time with an old friend. We would either join in or wave the other off.

Exactly that. In the past she has always been like you describe.

So maybe something else is going on I don't know about - he did say there was stuff he was going to tell me about so I don't know.

But I will just make it clear I'd like to see both - it sounds like she has made the plan to see him the same weekend as me for a reason though, so we will see.

OP posts:
SnowingInApril · 20/04/2022 17:25

and ask him why he double booked when he knew I was visiting
This is the issue. He had plans. He’s now accepted a better offer! Pretty rude, especially given the travel circumstances and hotel booking involved.

Sounds to me like the gf did some sort of test and wanted to see if he would ‘prioritise’ her over you.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 17:35

SnowingInApril · 20/04/2022 17:25

and ask him why he double booked when he knew I was visiting
This is the issue. He had plans. He’s now accepted a better offer! Pretty rude, especially given the travel circumstances and hotel booking involved.

Sounds to me like the gf did some sort of test and wanted to see if he would ‘prioritise’ her over you.

Yup. I agree this is what has happened.

I've been friends with him since we were 12 and now see him once a year or so, so I don't want the small amount of time spent to turn into an argument.

But I'm not going to be messed about either. I feel I've known him long enough to tell him how it is!

OP posts: