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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to my friend about this or leave it?

41 replies

janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 16:37

YANBU - bring it up
YABU - don't bring it up

Ive had a male friend since childhood, we are now late 20s and early 30s. Always platonic, nothing has ever happened between us and we've gone on holiday with our partners etc over the years/ visit each other from time to time. I get on with his girlfriend and she has always been kind to me, although there have been one or two jealous comments over the years and nothing more.

He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 3 years and have planned for stop in and see him for a few days on the way to meet up with other friends for a longer trip nearby. He offered me to stay at his home but I declined and booked a hotel, then we made our plans for the visit.

Now I find out his girlfriend is also coming to stay with him and he therefore may not be able to meet for the first day or so - he made a point of saying this will be the first time she has visited him in 2 years of them being long distance. So that suggests to me she has done this on purpose given she could have chosen any other weekend and she knows I'm visiting.

It bothers me because 1) I will potentially miss out on a day of time spent and probably won't see him again for another 2 years and 2) it makes me feel his girlfriend is distrusting which I find upsetting.

Am I overthinking?

OP posts:
Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 17:38

First visit to his in 2 years
yet they saw each other last weekend and regularly?

Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 17:40

You see him every year?

bit you haven’t seen him for 3 and you’re unlikely to see him for another 2!

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/04/2022 17:43

@Itshonestlynotthathard I think you're trolling 🙂

I saw him every 1-2 years before the pandemic, usually on a group holiday or short trip. We live in different countries but make an effort when work/studies allow.

OP posts:
RedPanda901 · 20/04/2022 17:46

If you're still seeing him for a day and a half – that's fine isn't it?

Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 17:48

I am literally just picking out what you have written!

Itshonestlynotthathard · 20/04/2022 17:50

to be fair you did start this thread last month… are you sure you’re happy to meet up with her 😂

**janeseymour78 · 15/02/2022 16:35
I have some friends I see about once every 1 1/2 - 2 months and when we do it's lovely.

However, one by one they are now all bringing their partners. The first friend it was like ' fine, ok', but now as I am the only single person, I feel I will be like a sore thumb.

To be honest I've been dating but single since my last LTR a few years ago and usually I'm not bothered but I actually feel a bit upset about it lately and felt crap during valentine's.

At the same time, they've invited their partners now and will look petty to say anything. Wwyd, go along this time and say something if it becomes a habit? Or bring it up now and sound like a grump?

In a way I feel like bowing out and letting them all be together with their partners, but then I'll just be alone for the night!
OP's posts:See nextSee all

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 24/04/2022 17:47

Well in the end - we are meant to meet tonight for dinner and drinks and the girlfriend was coming along. One hour away before meeting he cancels because she is 'too exhausted' and says he is really, really sorry.

It has genuinely upset me very much because I travelled here/stopped off to see him. I've told him he has messed me about and that I will see him tomorrow. But I have a big problem with a friend thinking they can do this. His mistake was double booking to start with.

OP posts:
Ishacoco · 24/04/2022 20:01

I would not be meeting him tomorrow. Go off and have a lovely day on your own. He clearly isn't going to prioritise you and the gf seems determined to ruin your trip, so take the power away from her by being the one to cancel.

(Although I do realise that this strategy might be a bit 'cut off nose to spite face' scenario!)

sonjadog · 24/04/2022 20:13

Yeah, fuck him. If she is too exhausted, then she can stay at home and he can go out to meet you on his own.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 24/04/2022 20:51

sonjadog · 24/04/2022 20:13

Yeah, fuck him. If she is too exhausted, then she can stay at home and he can go out to meet you on his own.

He told me for reasons he'd explain later he didn't know when they would see each other again and therefore felt he couldn't leave her by herself while he came to meet me.

I don't understand what is preventing them from seeing each other more but it shouldn't be a factor. I told him straight, as soon as plans changed he should have let me know so I could adjust mine and that he had messed me about. He has offered to make it up to me tomorrow but it has annoyed me hugely.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 24/04/2022 20:54

Ishacoco · 24/04/2022 20:01

I would not be meeting him tomorrow. Go off and have a lovely day on your own. He clearly isn't going to prioritise you and the gf seems determined to ruin your trip, so take the power away from her by being the one to cancel.

(Although I do realise that this strategy might be a bit 'cut off nose to spite face' scenario!)

We've been friends nearly 20 years and I think choosing to not meet him at all while I'm here could be friendship ending. I've told him I'll be doing my own thing and we can see when we are both free tomorrow.

Unfortunately now what was just meant to be a nice trip will have to begin with smoothing this out.

I agree the girlfriend has sabotaged on purpose and he has allowed it. In the past we've been on hold together and got on just fine, so I don't know what her problem is.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 24/04/2022 20:57

Nah, I am not buying it. You have gone out of your way to make plans to see him, presumably at cost and inconvenience to yourself, and he cancels last minute due to some mysterious excuse that he can't tell you until later for some unspecified reason? Can you do something else on your own tomorrow so that this stopover won't be a complete waste of time for you? I wouldn't bother wasting your time with someone who has put you so far down their list of priorities.

billy1966 · 24/04/2022 21:04

You are being messed about by him.

I would not be impressed.

Get through tomorrow, but I would not be bothered about visiting him again.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 24/04/2022 21:05

sonjadog · 24/04/2022 20:57

Nah, I am not buying it. You have gone out of your way to make plans to see him, presumably at cost and inconvenience to yourself, and he cancels last minute due to some mysterious excuse that he can't tell you until later for some unspecified reason? Can you do something else on your own tomorrow so that this stopover won't be a complete waste of time for you? I wouldn't bother wasting your time with someone who has put you so far down their list of priorities.

I know, it's complete bullshit. Yes I've made my own plans during the day and we are planning to meet in the evening. So the bulk of what I'm doing I'll do without him.

Well the reason is the girlfriend decided to book a last minute trip to see him and I suspect it is partly because in 2 years she hasn't bothered visiting him and then when she heard I was making the effort it put her back up. He was at one time my most reliable friend so I'm shocked really.

The thing is he was excitedly messaging me both last night and this morning about how much he was looking forward to seeing me. He definitely isn't faking it or anything - it's just really disappointing.

And if he makes excuses when I see him I will just need to shut it down because there is none. Ive also been long distance and we didn't blow off pre arranged plans with other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 24/04/2022 21:13

billy1966 · 24/04/2022 21:04

You are being messed about by him.

I would not be impressed.

Get through tomorrow, but I would not be bothered about visiting him again.

I know, sadly I feel the same, and without visits the friendship will just disappear.

It is one thing if a friend cancels in the same city or town, it's another when you've come to their city to visit them. I can't believe he has changed so much that he can behave like this.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/04/2022 10:19

It is very rude and inexcusable.

He has chosen to behave like this so will have to accept the consequences.

I would return early too, if that suits you.

It is upsetting when someone disappoints you.

We teach people how to treat us, so this is his loss of YOUR friendship, through pure rudeness.

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