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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking At Partners Phone After Hearing Something

37 replies

NormalBloke · 20/04/2022 08:01

Im 4 months into a relationship. A few days ago she said she needed to go upstairs to ring her daughter. I went into the hall later and could hear hear talking in a very romantic way to somebody who i presumed was another man. It was very very friendly and they were even planning to meet up for dinner when she returns back to her home city in 3 weeks time. I went upstairs and said "hi to your daughter"....She said it wasnt her daughter it was a Andy a good friend from back home. I was very suspicious stressed and worried but said nothing.

2 days later her phone was unattended. I succumbed to the pressure and read her Whatsapp. After she had finished the call the other night her and this fella started exchanging very steamy x rated chat of what they want to do to each other.

When i confronted her she went into defensive mode saying it meant nothing to her and was very sorry. She was furious that i looked at her phone and repeated this several times.

She also said she felt that she needed validation from another man because during a drunken argument we had 1 month ago i said some nasty things to her about her physical appearance.

I dont actually remember what i said but its 100% not true, I was just been horrible in the moment and throwing some mud back at her. A bit of tit for tat but its obviously really wounded.

Ive told her yesterday im exceptionally sorry for making her feel bad about herself. Im gutted i hurt her that way.

Its all be turned on me but she has said sorry.
But was i within my right to check on her phone.
If i hadnt been given any cause i would not have done it.

I would like to see this from a womans point of view. Thankyou.

OP posts:
AllFreeOwls · 20/04/2022 08:08

Time to cut your losses. You've been together 4 months, she's chatting to someone else, you've both said nasty things during an argument and now you don't trust her. Time to move on.

Original poster
NormalBloke · 20/04/2022 08:11

I just want to add if at all possible i do want to work things out and salavge the relationship

OP posts:
Whooshaagh · 20/04/2022 08:11

No trust, no relationship.
Move on.

hamstersarse · 20/04/2022 08:13

None of this is normal 3-4 months into a relationship

YABU ‘throwing mud’ at her when arguing. Not a healthy way to disagree with a partner

YABU to look through her phone

it’s not working, is it?

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2022 08:14

Sounds like you should break up; nasty arguments and you don’t trust her (rightly)

I would have dumped you for going through my phone anyway

FOJN · 20/04/2022 08:15

She is or intending to be unfaithful which is a shitty thing to do.

You are making comments on her appearance during an argument which is a shitty thing to do. And now monitoring her phone.

This much drama 4 months in is a good indication you are not compatible; it already sounds quite toxic, you should end it.

Fizzysister · 20/04/2022 08:16

Phone snooping is always a risk but if you find something damning you're kind of vindicated. If you don't then it can speak more to your own insecurity, very generally speaking ofc.

But yes, cut your losses here would be my advice too.

Coldnoseandtoes · 20/04/2022 08:16

You've only been together 4 months. You've had blazing arguments and said nasty things, and she's planning to sleep with someone else. Why put both of you through this?

ShandaLear · 20/04/2022 08:18

You need to dump each other. She’s cheating on you. You’re saying rotten things about going through her appearance and going through her phone. Neither of you are good enough for a relationship. BTW, a ‘NormalBloke’ does not say rotten things to his girlfriend or go through her phone. You both have a lot of growing up to do.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 20/04/2022 08:18

Don't try and work things out, you'll only be throwing this back in her face during the next drunken argument. Get off this merry go round before either of you is too deeply invested. Lick your wounds and move on. You've both behaved badly, you're not right for each other.

Sharrowgirl · 20/04/2022 08:19

It’s four months in and you’re checking phones, she’s chatting to other men and there’s drunken arguments with insults being hurled. Get out of it, the relationship is going nowhere. Anything else is a waste of time.

Strugglingtodomybest · 20/04/2022 08:23

What everyone else has said.

This is not a healthy relationship. There should be no mud slinging in an argument. Are you one of those people who thinks that they can "win" an argument too?

Spend some time on the internet reading up on how to argue in a healthy way.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 20/04/2022 08:24

Sounds doomed before it's really started to get going. Cut your losses.

AFS1 · 20/04/2022 08:24

You can’t salvage this relationship. It is toxic. 4 months in and you’re having huge arguments with insults being thrown, she’s thinking about sleeping with someone else and you’re checking her phone. Do both of you a favour and end it.

Sharrowgirl · 20/04/2022 08:26

NormalBloke · 20/04/2022 08:11

I just want to add if at all possible i do want to work things out and salavge the relationship

Why do you want to make things work with someone who you suspect is cheating on you? Forget her for a minute and ask yourself why you would settle for that.

Blue4YOU · 20/04/2022 08:34

What’s the point in trying? You get one life. You are bad to and for each other.

AllFreeOwls · 20/04/2022 08:35

I'd have sacked it off after the nasty argument, what you see as "slinging mud" has clearly hurt her.
Anyway, your options here are to forgive her & move on (this includes not holding it over her and "slinging mud" about it in any future argument), or you split up. Really no other options here.

Branleuse · 20/04/2022 08:37

You cant salvage a 4 month relationship where youre already arguing amd cheating and insulting each other. This ones not the one. Youre not compatible. Move on and have some self respect. Its 4 months so you may as well not drag it out

Maydaysoonenough · 20/04/2022 08:41

If everytime you row she goes off with another man is that how you want to live?

MzHz · 20/04/2022 08:42

You’d be mad to give this woman a second more of your time

shes lying to your face and doesn’t give a shit!

you have all the proof you need, she’s making a mug out of you and you’re allowing it!

why are your standards so low?

MzHz · 20/04/2022 08:46

Oh and the word partner is not for people you barely know, have only been with for a matter of weeks, AND who plan to fucking cheat on you while in your company

who taught you relationships look like this? Cos they absolutely don’t.

PoorRhubarb · 20/04/2022 09:06

Why waste your time? It's been 4 months and she's already cheated.

Gowithme · 20/04/2022 09:13

It sounds like you're both too immature for a relationship at the moment, drunkenly insulting her appearance, mud slinging at each other, wanting to stay with her despite the fact she is chatting up other men, her planning on shagging someone else once she gets home. Why would you think any of this is normal or healthy? You need to be alone and work on yourself.

newbiename · 20/04/2022 10:27

Of course you weren't 'within your rights' to check her phone. Who do you think you are ?

10HailMarys · 20/04/2022 10:28

I just want to add if at all possible i do want to work things out and salavge the relationship

Don't be absurd. You've only been together four months and you've already had rows where you said nasty things to each other, which she still bears a grudge over, and she's sexting with another man? There's nothing here to salvage. Move on. You barely even like each other.