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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that the first year of marriage is the hardest?

30 replies

ttcbabyk · 19/04/2022 23:43

AIBU to think that the first year of marriage/moving in together is the hardest? I'm from a south Asian background so I had not previously lived with my husband before marriage. The actual marriage has been fine, (between my partner and I) but the adjustments, living with my in laws and missing my own family (4.5 hours away) has been really difficult for me. Anyone else?

OP posts:
Tabitha789 · 19/04/2022 23:44

My SIL has just experienced the same. I can tell she's struggling. But she's never moved away before and you both never loved together before. You must be homesick. It happens. Eventually you'll learn to live with it and you'll treasure the time spent together xx

Tabitha789 · 19/04/2022 23:45

Lived*

grapewines · 19/04/2022 23:46

Living with in laws must be difficult.

Original poster
ttcbabyk · 19/04/2022 23:47

I do enjoy my time with my husband I just hate living with his family (saving up to move out but it's not easy with the current situation) it's been hard not having any friends either :/x

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcbabyk · 19/04/2022 23:47

@grapewines

Living with in laws must be difficult.
I could write a book about this. It's the most testing thing I've ever had to do. I don't recommend it tbh
OP posts:
Motheranddaughtertotwo · 19/04/2022 23:48

It must be hard. Do you get on with your in-laws?

Original poster
ttcbabyk · 19/04/2022 23:52

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

It must be hard. Do you get on with your in-laws?
Nope. I play my part but I've just seen a nasty side to them and I don't like it. I can't unsee it :/ x
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 06:03

Get out of your in-laws home before the stress of living with them ruins your marriage. I'd be leaving as soon as humanly possible.

Coulddowithanap · 20/04/2022 06:24

That sounds really hard for you. I hope you manage to afford your own place soon. Could you move back to nearer your family and friends or is that not the done thing?

TheLadyDIdGood · 20/04/2022 06:28

Can you live on one salary and save the second salary for a rental or house buying deposit? I'd make as many financial sacrifices as I could in the first few years. The quicker that you move out the better it will be, some people are just poison.

monkeysox · 20/04/2022 07:45

For me the first year after having a child was hardest. But I've never lived with in-laws.

Crazykatie · 20/04/2022 07:54

That’s the disadvantage of cultural difference, living with the in-laws means you are the lowest ranking female, I wouldn’t want it, but it’s probably a family business situation. Try at least to get your own separate living accommodation so you can be really “alone” with your husband, not just a separate bedroom.

Shoxfordian · 20/04/2022 07:55

It’s living with the in-laws that’s the problem; can you rent somewhere or do anything you can to move out sooner? I don’t think the first year of marriage should be difficult

PhileasPhilby · 20/04/2022 08:24

It wasn’t for DH & me but that’s because we were already living together, and in our own house, so nothing really changed for us just in the getting married.

Our hardest time was the relentless bit with 2 really young DC. That was because our lives had suddenly changed massively, just like yours has now. Change always takes time and feels hard. Can you try to set up regular time with your husband where it’s just the 2 of you so at least you have that to keep you going?

RampantIvy · 20/04/2022 08:30

I think this probably highlights the cultural differences between our backgrounds. Most people have either lived with or spent far more time with their partners before marriage than you have. Also, most people don’t go and live with their in-laws.

I hope you can move out soon.

ReadyToMoveIt · 20/04/2022 08:35

It wasn’t for us, but we already lived together in our own home when we got married.

Wombat98 · 20/04/2022 08:40

My mum lived with her in-laws when first married, still upset by it & she is 89.

Yiu need to have your own place.

user75 · 20/04/2022 08:43

the first year of marriage was the easiest year, well the first 8 years I think. Living with my in laws would have made a murderer of me. Get out!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 20/04/2022 08:43

I hadn't lived with DH properly before marriage (then moved abroad with him two weeks after the wedding, which we only found out we would need to do a few weeks before!) And that was a big adjustment, let alone living with inlaws in someone else's house.

Good luck moving out soon.

mamabeeboo · 20/04/2022 09:08

Op do you have your own space in the house? Do your in-laws expect you to run the house and spend time with them? Are you paying any rent /bills towards the house? Does your DH think of you as his primary family or does he choose his mother over you?

I have a good friend who lives with her in-laws. It nearly broke their relationship and they moved out and rented somewhere for a year, before moving back in with them. But just that 12 month break seems to have done them a world of good.

UnbeatenMum · 20/04/2022 09:23

The first year is hard. We both moved away from family and friends (for work) so both found that hard, but I imagine living with your in laws could be extremely challenging. I've been married nearly 20 years and we've had other hard years too - a sudden bereavement and a couple of years when we had a baby/toddler who slept really badly and we both felt stretched to the limit.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/04/2022 09:29

I'd find living with in laws too much. I can't see how that would get easier.

toomuchlaundry · 20/04/2022 09:30

If you had lived together before, then the first year of marriage would not be the hardest. DH moved away due to work soon after we met, so had a long distance relationship for 18 months. That was tough. First year with DC was tough.

Never lived with ILs. I would be in prison for murder if we had!

Gowithme · 20/04/2022 09:57

I wouldn't have got married tbh until we could afford a place of our own and I definitely wouldn't have married someone I hadn't lived with. I think you've made this hard for yourself. I would never have lived with my in laws they were awful. Be careful though because you say they have a nasty side and IME the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree. Hopefully things will be better when you move out - that's needs to be your priority.

WhiteBricks · 20/04/2022 10:03

I didn't live with my DH before I married, but didn't find it a major adjustment tbh. It would have been a totally different story if I'd have had to move in with my in-laws though, as lovely as they are!

Do you and your husband have a time limit on the current living situation? Maybe that would help?