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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Been cut off for asking for details of my biological dad

28 replies

Allmyownopinion · 19/04/2022 18:47

My mum dropped a massive bombshell that my dad isn’t my biological dad. Literally one night, when talking about her youth said he’s not your real dad than ran off! I was obviously stunned/upset but have a complex relationship with her & can’t really converse with her without her screaming & crying etc so I just left her house. My sister is braver than me & asked her questions on my behalf, just simply are you going to tell her anything else you can’t just leave it at that. Long story short, she’s now saying I’ve ruined the family by bringing this up, I should have ignored what she said, by asking questions I’m horribly ungrateful for the upbringing I had with my parents etc & has blocked me & told my sister she doesn’t ever want to hear my name again. My head is spinning. I actually don’t even want to go digging & find out who the biological connection is, I love my dad & he’s been around since I was 1 so is all I ever known. But I feel like I should be given the courtesy of being told my back story now she’s let it come out! Not to disrupt but it’s a box I can’t close now it’s been opened. I’m devastated. This happened to me, I didn’t cause it, but now I’m being cut off. It sounds insane & it is. I’m just looking for an outsider perspective as I can’t talk to anyone but my sister.

OP posts:

Bells3032 · 19/04/2022 18:50

Tbh you're mum sounds like she has a screw loose. What's your relationship been like til now. If she cuts you off this easily then may be the right think to go no contact.

As for finding out about your biological dad and your mum won't tell you the only way I can see if having one of those heritage tests done and hoping you match.

MarilynValentine · 19/04/2022 19:03

Your mum is behaving appallingly and I should imagine not for the first time.

You poor thing. I’m glad you have your sister. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 19:05

Oh you poor thing. You've done nothing wrong.

Original poster

Allmyownopinion · 19/04/2022 19:14

@Bells3032

Tbh you're mum sounds like she has a screw loose. What's your relationship been like til now. If she cuts you off this easily then may be the right think to go no contact.

As for finding out about your biological dad and your mum won't tell you the only way I can see if having one of those heritage tests done and hoping you match.

It’s been a very difficult relationship she’s very volatile & has been emotionally abusive to us all if we’re not exactly as she wants us to be. But she’s very generous financially & loves having this power. I’ve just been brainwashed into always thinking I’m difficult/bad etc so even though deep down I know this isn’t my fault I feel horribly guilty.

OP posts:

MarilynValentine · 19/04/2022 19:18

You’re the good one OP. Throw off her crap. Don’t Accept it.

NoNever · 19/04/2022 19:24

That’s so cruel of your mother to do. Unloading a bomb on you and then getting angry when you want more information.

If you do decided to look for your father, we had great luck finding my mum’s biological dad and a sibling by doing Ancestry. It took a bit of digging through family trees once we had matches, but was a great experience.

Buzzer3555 · 19/04/2022 19:27

This is really hurtful for you. You have done nothing wrong. I wonder as you sound close to the man who bought you up whether a conversation with him would help. Reassure him that you love him but feel you need the peace of mind about knowing who your father was and the circumstances of your birth. Keep your distance from your mother..she sounds toxic.

PussInBin20 · 19/04/2022 19:32

Eh? How could you have ruined the family when SHE brought it up? She sounds nuts.

Gosh with a Mother like that, who needs enemies?

Of course you are going to want answers - who wouldn’t?

I would go NC tbh, sounds like you would be better off without all the drama.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 19:34

Sounds like it might have been painful circumstances for her but still. Not your fault and you don't deserve this.

AuntieDolly · 19/04/2022 19:40

Do you think her Husband knows this? Or perhaps she made it up and is now backtracking. Sounds awful and you shouldn't be the one feeling bad. Is your sister younger?

Buzzer3555 · 19/04/2022 19:47

@auntiedolly. I hadn't thought that her husband may not know. You are right she could have made it up to be hurtful

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 19/04/2022 19:51

So unfair of your mum to drop this bomb and rush off. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Even before I read your post on her prior behaviour I was thinking she sounds like one of those parents who des not really see her children as having needs - it is all about her. I dont think she is ever going to be able to see what is wrong with what she did. The best you can do is try and trace through one of the genetic testing sites. All the best to you. you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 19/04/2022 19:56

Sounds like a terrible shock. I’m not surprised you’re all at sea.
Do you have your birth certificate? That should state the name of your biological dad.

Original poster

Allmyownopinion · 19/04/2022 20:05

No my dad knows……..he told my sister he’s going to try & help. But she’s emotionally abused him all their relationships & he’s very elderly so I doubt he will have the strength to stand up to her & go against her by speaking to me privately. It’s a horrible mess.

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 19/04/2022 20:11

I think some counselling would be helpful to you OP, it might be useful to speak to someone who is experienced in family dynamics as it sounds like you had an emotionally tough upbringing with your mother being a controller. As for your early life, is there a grandparent or extended family member that could help? Anyone at all from that time in your mothers life that may be helpful?

WonderfulYou · 19/04/2022 20:16

YANBU

She sounds very controlling which is why she’s so generous with money as it’s a ‘look at all I’ve done for you’ type thing.

She’s probably also very lovely when things are going her way and you’re doing what she wants.

She absolutely needs to tell you who your dad is but right now you need to stop giving her so much power.

Text her and tell her that you deserve to know the truth and you will not be speaking to her until she does.
Then do not reach out to her. It might takes days, weeks or even months.

Controlling parents hate losing their control and if she thinks you’re genuine she will eventually come around.
I’m sure at first they’ll be a lot of ‘I’ll tell you’ and then it doesn’t happen but just keep refusing any contact until she tells you.

She is being very unfair.
She may have had her reasons for not telling you before now but it’s her responsibility to explain why she didn’t tell you and who he is.

2bazookas · 19/04/2022 20:17

Can you ask your Dad? or your Mothers relatives like her parents, siblings. They might be able to tell you more.

Is it possible you were adopted, and she isn't your Mum?

Sswhinesthebest · 19/04/2022 20:19

I’d be trying a bit of blackmail.

Shes obviously embarrassed and wouldn’t want it to become public knowledge. She can buy your silence with some verifiable details.

2bazookas · 19/04/2022 20:20

@Cauliflowersqueeze

Sounds like a terrible shock. I’m not surprised you’re all at sea. Do you have your birth certificate? That should state the name of your biological dad.

If the parents were unmarried then when the birth is registered by the mother, the fathers name will only be entered if he is present at the registry office to confirm paternity.

Original poster

Allmyownopinion · 19/04/2022 20:27

No she’s definitely my mum we have the exact same face! She didn’t marry my dad until I was 2 so I see now that explains a lot……she then cut him off from his family, I don’t remember anyone from his side growing up. I was close to her side of the family until I was about 7 then she cut them off, we moved away & it’s just been us since. Classic narcissistic behaviour I suppose but then I’m obviously thinking she never wanted her secret to get out! But why blurt it out now! I have text her hoping I’m not blocked on messenger (I am on SM & WhatsApp) saying I’m not trying to hurt anyone but all I want to know is the basics & I don’t want anything to change etc. My sister has also relayed this message but she’s just told her not to mention me again & she’s not to discuss her or my dad with me! Insanity! My sister is younger & more feisty, she’s called her out & said she’s wrong etc. I will have to wait it out & see what comes out. I’m just more upset at the manipulation, making me feel like a monster, pure gaslighting I’m a nervous wreck. Thank you for the suggestion of therapy, I do need help to work through it all. But thank you all for making me see I’m not mad, it’s not me. I really needed to hear it ❤️

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/04/2022 20:30

Have you got a copy of your full birth certificate? That may have the details on it, depending upon whether they were in a relationship/civil at the time.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 19/04/2022 20:31

Does she have a sister or friend who could help? What about those DNA database things for tracing ancestry?

WonderfulYou · 19/04/2022 20:37

Your sister sounds great!

I wouldn’t be fuming if I were you but everyone seems to be on your side and this isn’t something she’s going to be able to hide from much longer.

I would definitely reach out to your current dad and ask if he knows anything. Maybe wait a couple of days as I’m sure she’ll be checking his phone.
If he works you could always wait outside so you don’t have to text him even.

filka · 19/04/2022 20:49

I feel that you have a right to know in case your father has any hereditary diseases that might affect you or your children.

Its worth a try to do a DNA test on Ancestry.co.uk. If your biological father or any of his children or parents have also done one you might get a connection.

You might also find the rest of DM's family that she abandoned.

But frankly I rather like the blackmail idea in the circumstances

Catflapkitkat · 19/04/2022 21:15

Again if they didn't marry until you were two then you must have a birth certificate. What about any other relatives? Could they shed any light?

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