My dad died and I don't feel sad

[Nickwinkle]

My dad passed away at the beginning of the month. It was a slow, painful death so I find relief that he's not suffering anymore.

My problem is that I don't think I feel as sad as I should be. I've carried on as though everything is normal. I didn't have much contact with my family so I don't know if this is why I don't miss him, or it doesn't feel like he's gone.

I haven't told anyone that he's died other than my employer, for reason that I'll need a day off for his funeral. The odd family friend has messaged me to offer condolences but it doesn't feel real and I don't want sympathy. In a way I feel like I'm not allowed to mourn and if I do it's attention seeking

Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me?

Condolences on your loss.

There's nothing wrong with you. Grieving is very individual, you deal with it however feels right for you.

Were you very close to him or not? You say you didn't have much contact with your family so there must be a reason for that?

I got over my Dad's death very quickly (I am sure my siblings and step mother would be shocked to know how little I missed/miss him) but we just didn't have a close relationship, although superficially all was fine.

But of course you are allowed to mourn if that's the way you are feeling. It's not attention-seeking to mourn the loss of someone.

It sounds as if the loss hasn't hit you yet. There no right or wrong response to a bereavement. I never felt sad when my dad died because he had driven me away. My wife died 20 months ago and the grief has been overwhelming and life changing, and I'm still deeply grieving. All I would say is be kind to yourself and if/when the sadness comes and the tears, try to let those feelings flow rather than blocking the pain.

Did you have any kind of relationship with him? I’ve also felt like I could lose
my parents and probably most of my extended family and not feel sad about it. I also feel like there must be something wrong with me because of it. I’m trying and failing to support a friend of mine who is grieving over the 7th anniversary of her dads death. I’m trying my hardest to empathise with her but I’m struggling to relate because I just don’t get it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I completely get this - my dad died in 2016 - he was very unwell for a year before he died and bed bound for around 9 months. I was ok - it was more like an uncle had died than my dad tbh. I think there were two reasons:

We weren't very close. He was not a hands on parent (mostly away from home doing his various hobbies) and was often shouty and angry when he was around.

He was ill for so long beforehand that we had already processed it before he actually died. Nobody ever recovers from what he had. The big shock was when he was diagnosed.

I could have written this… my Dad died in December, and had been unwell and isolating for pretty much the 2 years before that due to chemo and pandemic… I don’t seem to be able to process it and have said to my husband I think I am not capable. I’m sure at some point it will catch up with me but for now I am just going with the flow x

My Mum died in July 2017 after a long, painful illness (lung cancer). She was bedridden at home for the last nine months and had to have carers in 3 times a day to help with self-care, etc.

I wasn't close to my Mum and when she died, I felt virtually nothing for a very long time. For the past couple of years, however, I have felt genuine loss.

As others are telling you, everyone's grief is unique. Do not feel bad or guilty - it will affect you in your own way.

When a person is very ill for a long time, you sometimes do your grieving whilst they are still alive.

Grief is complicated and completely individual.

There’s no ‘right’ way to feel. Perhaps the fact he’s been released from a painful death is part of why you feel like you do. My father is still alive but I feel like I won’t be that sad when he dies as he currently has a poor standard of living (and we’re not very close). I don’t think it means there’s anything wrong with me.

It’s very common to feel numb immediately after a bereavement. Grief is never the same for any two people.

There's no right or wrong way to feel when someone dies, and I think a lot of people do feel a sense of relief when the deceased is someone who'd been suffering a lot of ill health leading up to their death. And of course, it can depend totally on what kind of relationship you had with them. Sometimes we can be perfectly amicable with our parents, no big conflict or anything, but just aren't emotionally super attached to them for whatever reason. I had an uncle I saw a lot as a child and who I certainly liked a lot. I have plenty of great memories of him from when I was a child; he was lots of fun. But I didn't really feel much when he died beyond 'Oh, that's a real shame' because he just wasn't someone I really thought about on a daily basis or anything.

One of my grandparents died very suddenly with no ill health prior to that, leaving a devastated widow. It was awful and the grief really hit us all. One of my other grandparents - who I loved every bit as much - had been mentally and physically unwell and suffering for a couple of years by the time she died, and didn't leave a spouse behind. When she died, I don't think anyone felt sad about it. The sad time was when she was unwell and miserable, not when she was finally at peace.

There's no 'right' way to respond, OP.

I had a huge uncontrollable self-conscious nervous grin if I tried to tell others about my mother's death. I hated being centre of attention. Such a weird reaction. I sure wasn't happy. Luckily the huge grin thing only lasted about a week.

And then I didn't feel sad because it was so obvious to me that she was on a path to early grave, lifestyle factors. I had already worked through my feelings about this being imminent so the sadness was done with. I was hugely surprised that anyone was surprised at her sudden death. How could they miss the obvious risk factors?

On top of that, my relatives chose a religious ceremony. I was asked to do her biography at pulpit, but I couldn't figure out how to describe her failed marriage to my dad so I flubbed that speech too. I don't think anyone minded. It was just a very weird time.

Friend said after her husband's death (after long illness) "How is a widow supposed to feel?" There isn't exactly an instruction manual.

Hang in there.

I think

My dad was the same when DGF passed away. He kept saying "I feel calm, like something has been resolved, but I should feel upset."

But especially when someone has suffered from illness it's very emotional and exhausting, and when they are gone there is calm because there is no more bad news and they're at peace.

When DGF died the first thing DGM did was go to sleep and she said it was the best rest she'd had in months because she wasn't waiting for the phone to ring or to receive a worrying update.

It doesn't mean you don't care.

We weren't distant but we weren't super close either. I rarely got to see him because of the hours he worked and they never visited my home. He was my gig/festival/music buddy so the time we did get to spend together was always positive.

Really lovely bloke. Wouldn't do anyone wrong and was probably one of the last few genuine ones left.

I'm NC with my mum and sister which is probably why I didn't get to see him much. I did everything I could for him in his last months and was there as much as physically possible.

I just don't feel upset. I feel angry at everything that's going on around his funeral and around the circumstances of his death but I don't feel like I've lost my dad.

I'm so sorry to hear that so many people have felt the same 💔😔

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. It is very early days and every loss is so different. My dad died suddenly before Christmas and I found it overwhelming and I'm still struggling to comprehend he's actually gone. My dh's dad died last week after a very long illness and for him his overriding emotion is relief. He had been in a home for many years and dh couldn't cope with seeing him the way he was and had done a lot of his grieving for the person he was a number of years ago. It's a strange time. It may hit suddenly or it may not. Just take each day as it comes.

Hi OP.
I think everyone is different, as is individual reactions to grief.
I loved my Mum to bits, she was such a fab caring Mum, always helped out and we had a great relationship. She had heart and kidney failure. That was the worst part. When she died all I felt was deep peace, as I had done my grieving when she was ill.
Of course I missed and still do after 7 years, but the awful grief never came. It was surprising really.My sister felt the same and we said that as in life she even made her death easy for us.
Also as she was 91 it was easier for us. Take care

I'm sorry for your loss; don't be surprised if grief catches up with you later. My relationship with my late mother was basically a very good one, but the last four or five years of her life were extremely difficult, as her mental and physical health declined; basically, she never recovered from the shock of DF's death. There were many times when I had to exercise iron self-restraint, and when she finally passed, it was a blessed release; I think I had already done a lot of grieving for what she had formerly been, before she finally passed. I was completely calm and organised throughout all the arrangements which have to be made when somebody dies.
About six months later, I had a trivial argument with a good friend (about duffle coats!!!!!!??????) and the mild irritation proved to be the last straw; five years of stern self-control finally cracked, to the horror of my friend trying to calm me down!
But after that, it became increasingly easy to remember the good times, and to miss her in a "normal" way. When my best friend's DM died, I wept copiously at her funeral, having been completely dry-eyed and organised before.
You can console yourself that you did as much as you could for him as you could.
Even if you are finding the funeral difficult, you may well find that, once it's over, you will feel that a chapter is closed, and you can come to terms with your new circumstances.

Maybe that's why I don't feel so sad. I mean, I feel sad and I sometimes get watery eyes but I'm by no means grieving like I have done when I've lost a pet.

I think, same as a lot of you have said, the grieving was done when he was ill. He lost all his dignity and independence and my dad as I knew him was done. I cried so much for the loss of my dad as he was and the exhaustion of caring for him.

Or maybe it's going to hit at the funeral and I'm going to be a complete blubbering mess and have a mental breakdown.

Thank you all for your kind words and making me feel a little more normal 😔❤️

Was gone*

I really can't function at the moment.

I felt this way when my own DF died last year, and when my DM died 3 years ago. I seemed to be 'detached' in some way and thought I would grieve some time later. This didn't really happen, and I admit I certainly don't 'think about them every day'. I mentioned lack of grief to my GP when I had an appointment for something unrelated. My GP asked me 3 questions .... Were they quite old? Yes. Were they very ill? Yes. Did I know that they wouldn't get better? Yes .
Therefore in such occasions their death was inevitable and a natural progression from life and I had probably 'lost' them long before.
GP reassured me that there is no correct way to behave or feel.

I wrote a similar post when my mum died. Dementia changed her horribly and she would have hated the person she became. It was nothing other than a relief when she finally died.

It has taken me nearly 3 years. But I am a total mess at the moment. I have lived in denial of her death and have avoided sorted out some of her stuff. I have had to do it for a variety of reasons over the last couple of weeks. It has been very hard.

Hugs. There's no timescale on grief.

I think sometimes when you’re used to not seeing someone regularly your subconscious sometimes “forgets” that they’ve died - it just feels like you haven’t seen them for a while as usual and your subconscious is just thinking you’ll be seeing them soon.

That’s how I felt when my Aunty died anyway. Of course it’s completely different with it being your dad. Any everyone feels differently.

Excluding the time I spent caring for him in hospital, I could count on one hand the amount of times I saw him last year. A mixture of him working whenever I visited their house and them never visiting mine.

Maybe it's a mixture of things. I already mourned the loss of him when he became seriously ill and the fact I never got to see him anyway 😔

It doesn't even feel real typing any of this.