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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refuse to let my daughter be anywhere near my exs new girlfriend

56 replies

Vi14 · 19/04/2022 09:38

I left my daughters dad over a year ago for many reasons. He now has a new girlfriend.
I've been told off him and his mum that this new girlfriend is very unstable. She gets angry at him when he speaks to me about our daughter even though she has a child of her own (who lives with her dad). Apparently she has been in prison twice, is a drug user and an ex escort.
I have refused to let her meet or be anywhere near my 7 year daughter. His mum and mine agree.
AIBU?

OP posts:

HailAdrian · 19/04/2022 09:40

What's she been in prison for? Is she currently using drugs? Is your ex usually sensible?

MolliciousIntent · 19/04/2022 09:41

Yup, YABU, you have no right to dictate how your daughter's father spends her time with him or who he sees when his child is around.

BuanoKubiamVej · 19/04/2022 09:43

Yanbu and a good parent would not want someone like that in his child's life at all. Can you trust him to abide by this? I think if you can't it would be reasonable grounds to go to court to insist on supervised contact only (as his mum is on board you could ask for the court to order that contact takes place only at her home?)

Original poster

Vi14 · 19/04/2022 09:47

My daughters dad isn't allowed to see my daughter on his own, he sees her with his mum or my mum. He has never been a proper dad to her. My ex met her through dealing drugs to her (cocaine) 6 months ago, neither of them have anywhere to live and are living in hotels. She was in prison twice, once for sneaking drugs into prison and the other sneaking in phones.
As I am responsible for the health and well being of my 7 year old daughter I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 19/04/2022 09:48

Well of course yanbu. If he only has supervised contact then even more so...she has no need or reason to see your DD.

x2boys · 19/04/2022 09:49

I can understand why you wouldn't want your daughter to see her ,but assuming your ex has parental responsibility,I don't think you can dictate it .

Hospedia · 19/04/2022 09:49

Instruct your mum and his mum that if the girlfriend is present during his contact time then they should end it immediately. You should also make an application to the courts to revise the contact arrangements to take this safeguarding issue into account.

x2boys · 19/04/2022 09:50

@Vi14

My daughters dad isn't allowed to see my daughter on his own, he sees her with his mum or my mum. He has never been a proper dad to her. My ex met her through dealing drugs to her (cocaine) 6 months ago, neither of them have anywhere to live and are living in hotels. She was in prison twice, once for sneaking drugs into prison and the other sneaking in phones. As I am responsible for the health and well being of my 7 year old daughter I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all.

Ah well that's a different matter.

AxolotlEars · 19/04/2022 09:55

I think your feelings are understandable but I don't think you can do a lot about who your daughter meets when you are separated from Dad.....unless you want to go down the legal route

BuanoKubiamVej · 19/04/2022 09:57

Well that's fine then. You aren't being unreasonable and the sensible grandmas are in agreement too. This does seem like an open and shut case with no dilemma.

ChuckBerrysBoots · 19/04/2022 09:57

@MolliciousIntent

Yup, YABU, you have no right to dictate how your daughter's father spends her time with him or who he sees when his child is around.

That is simply untrue. Social services, and the courts, would expect OP to safeguard her daughter from anyone who may cause her harm.

Having said that, if his contact is already supervised I’m not sure there’s much more you can do OP.

Original poster

Vi14 · 19/04/2022 09:58

Thank you all for your comments.
I feel I'm doing the right thing for my daughter.
She's at a very impressionable age.
I will continue to reassess the situation and will always try and do what is best for my daughter.

OP posts:

ChuckBerrysBoots · 19/04/2022 10:04

If you’re unsure OP you could ring your local social services for advice. It’s likely as the contact is supervised they won’t have much to say, but if this lady does not see her own child then they may have other concerns which means they might want to look at any contact more closely. Were social services involved in the decisions about your ex’s contact with your daughter?

MsTSwift · 19/04/2022 10:05

Was he a drug dealer when you got together and decided to have a baby?

Original poster

Vi14 · 19/04/2022 10:10

The supervised visits my ex has with our daughter have all been agreed between us all and not through the courts. He won't go through the courts as he knows he won't be offered anymore visitation rights than he has already. His whole family and mine know what he's like and we all agree this is best for our daughter. To be honest it is sometimes difficult to get him to show up to the visits he has now.

OP posts:

SlashBeef · 19/04/2022 10:12

Yanbu you absolutely have the right and responsibility to safeguard your child. Especially when her father can't or won't.

Hospedia · 19/04/2022 10:13

Was he a drug dealer when you got together and decided to have a baby?

How is that in any way helpfulbto the OP or her question? If the answer is yes should she shove her DD back up into the womb and un-gestate her? People change.

Original poster

Vi14 · 19/04/2022 10:14

@MsTSwift no he was not. As soon as I found out he was doing this I told him to leave.

OP posts:

Staryflight445 · 19/04/2022 10:16

I wouldn’t be letting my child see their dad at all so no yanbu.

Georgeskitchen · 19/04/2022 10:18

YANBU and the fact that his own mother is in your corner strengthens this. I wouldn't want my children around this either

Seraphinesupport · 19/04/2022 10:19

no i wouldn t let her near my child but then id be wary of him too if thats the woman he chooses to date. continue with just his mum supervised visits. do not allow her near the child

Booklover3 · 19/04/2022 10:21

Not a chance

Babadook76 · 19/04/2022 10:21

@MsTSwift

Was he a drug dealer when you got together and decided to have a baby?

Why be a complete dick to try and trip the op up instead of helping her?

Cocomarine · 19/04/2022 10:22

I don’t really understand what you’re asking.

He shouldn’t be around your child unsupervised, and even for supervised contact doesn’t always bother.
Without the court, you, your mum and his mum have arranged supervised contact and are all in agreement on that.

And well done to you for that!!

Now he has a thoroughly unsuitable girlfriend.

But… all the people involved in supervised contact agree with you: she should be included.

Even if she was OK, I’d say that a man having only supervised contact should be making that only 1:1 time, not dragging in another person!

You’re doing the right thing. Keep his mum on side with that.

RealBecca · 19/04/2022 10:30

I'd say he knows the contact agreement - at his mums. His mum presumably wont have her around your daughter so hopefully more a worry for you than an actual possibility that she will turn up? And if you trust his mum to supervise then if she ever did then your DD should be safe.

But if it turns our to be likely that he will have DD alone and with girlfriend then I'd lay out that you'll be seeking court appointed access and will be referring to social services due to your concerns.

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