Mum over involved DS not even here!

[frustrated354]

I am expecting my first baby this summer, my mums first GCS she is very excited, I am very excited. But my God, you'd think she is having the baby.

She keeps saying 'we' need to get that sorted. I keep saying ‘you mean ye' she ignored me saying that a few times yesterday. I finally said you do realise it is me and DH having a baby not you, that's what I mean by correcting you to say ye, she said I did notice but lol/haha.

She lives about 2.5hrs away from me ILs live 2 mins down the road. I think she is jealous of sometimes as well. My MIL is taking me to my appointment this week instead of DH ( I don't have a car right). She's like oh that's a pity. Making me feel bad that I'm leaving her out. I need a lift MIL has offered. If there was public transport, I would take it to avoid this! MIL is very boundary conscious.

MIL offered us a moses basket, DM she says I was looking at those. SIL said she'd buy the cot, DM says, I wanted to get that. (Now I won't let either of them buy it as they are a lot more expensive than I thought). She also said 'now make sure you buy a decent one' no I am going to buy a rickety piece of trash!

Everything is WE need to get that. Then when she was up over the weekend and going on about stocking up on nappies, I told her we are going to use re-usable nappies she wrinkled her nose! Then tried to back track.

She is horrified about the thought of me buying baby clothes bundles instead of brand new. She says, 'I always bought the best for you'. As if clothes worn a few times, and will be washed will hurt him.

Just frustrates me! How do I balance her feelings included and not trying to over shadow what we (DH and I) decide is right for OUR baby?

Ugh no wonder you're so frustrated!

I think a 2 pronged approach is needed here: 1) firm boundaries 2) reassurance.

Your mum is clearly frightened she will be tertiary to your baby and jealous of how close your ILs live to you and how much more involved they will be by virtue of this.

Give her lots of reassurance of her own relationship with your future GC and how important she is, while telling her to back off on the "we" stuff.

If there's something she'd really like to buy or do, then let her (if you're happy to) - let it be her Thing. I think she's feeling really insecure right now and unless you usually have issues with your mum, I'd treat her with firm kindness rather than anything else.

Give her something time consuming to do like knit a huge blanket!
And don't ask mil to make one.

Oh, I don't know, the two grannies having a knitting race might be amusing.

@Maydaysoonenough too late, whoops! MIL asked me ages ago can she knit stuff for the baby and I already said yet. DM can't knit though.

I am trying to be kind to her saying yes you will be very involved. I have let her buy stuff. Once she knew it was a boy she bought a tonne of clothes and I made all the correct noises when she brought them up - they are very cute so it wasn't hard.

It's finding the balance. I am worried she will be up too much when he is very small. Of course I want her up. But it sounds like she wants to come up every weekend.

DH is a farmer, DS is due at a very busy time so if need help MIL has said I only ever need to phone and she can come over, she would never come uninvited. I am know my DM will be very very jealous of that. But MIL would come over for a few hours max then go home. Or me and baby could go to hers and chill. If I say that to DM she will think I am choosing MIL I'll hear it in her voice 'ooohhhh right, that's nice'. DM has said she 'will' come up for 2 weeks. Seems a bit much to me.

Surely there is a balance to hit. My DM will around DS for longer periods of time. MIL will maybe get to see him more often.

You could be describing my mom OP, I even lived closer to the in-laws when I had them. Everything is ‘we need to’, even with things related to my house, she also ignores when I point out that ‘we’ is me and my husband. I think she just thinks I’m not as good a parent as her or wouldn’t be able to cope without her constant input, or that she would be like a third parent. With DC1 she teared up and said ‘you will send her to a good nursery won’t you’ when she asked where DD was going when I went back to work. As if I was going to put her in the worst one I could find. It hasn’t really gotten any better I’m afraid. If I tell one of my DC off she repeats what I’ve said, word for word, I’ve taken to constantly telling her (in front of the DC) not to and that she’s not their parent. She even gets offended if I go out and leave the DC with DH and don’t ask her to babysit

My only advice is don’t move closer to her, it gets worse. I’ve had to limit her coming to the house to just certain days/times as otherwise she would be here all the time and I would end up killing her.

We've had this. My mother is insanely jealous of my MIL because MIL lives really close. Recently it's manifested in her carting around handbag chocolates to foist off on the kids whenever they see her and trying to buy their affection with excessive amounts of toys and tat.

It gets really annoying. We've actually gone LC now.

DM has said she 'will' come up for 2 weeks. Seems a bit much to me.

My mom expected me to go to her for the first 2 weeks as she went to her moms when she had me. Her and my dad even booked 2 weeks off after my due date. They got offended when I told them to cancel as DH had two weeks paternity.

The only thing that really helped me was having my sister point out that she was being too interfering and that her not listening would push me further away. She still thinks I’m the one in the wrong but at least she’s learnt that there has to be some boundaries.

Keep quiet. People often think they won't want or need their parents help. I was a bit the same. In the end I was v grateful for my.mums visit so I could sleep. Likewise baby clothes and baby stuff. Realistically at 2.5 hours she won't be there that often. Focus on fact that your baby will have two sets of doting grand parents.

It must be irritating but clearly your mum is worried she will be left out. Pencil her in for 5 days, or a week when the baby is small. You can always change your mind. Perhaps, give your mum some tasks, let your mum research the cots. She doesn't have to buy one but let her feel that finding a good one is her job. Stop telling her things, 'we have a Moses basket'. Not 'MIL bought a Moses basket'. 'I got a lift to the check up' and opposed to 'MIL took me'

You also need to be a bit less set in your plans. You say DH is a farmer and the baby is due at a really busy time, but if you're on your own for most of the day with a huge bucket of soaking stinkers a few disposable nappies won't be the end of the world and your mum maybe a godsend if you are on your knees with lack of sleep.

I agree with poster above, having an excited doting Granny (1 of 2) is wonderful when you read about all the disinterested ones on here.

Good luck OP

My DM does this now, and my DC are 12 yrs old!

Occasionally she oversteps the mark but generally it's stuff that really doesn't matter. I've learnt to take a pragmatic approach - so for Easter she bought DS the Easter egg that he was the most excited about and hoping desperately to receive. It was mildly irritating as I'd been planning on getting it, but in all honesty, it's about seeing him happy - doesn't really matter where it's from.

I figure out things that are important to me and set very firm boundaries for those - she wouldn't ever be round to see them open their main Christmas presents for example, or their birthday presents from us. We need separate family time that she's not part of because of her tendency to overstep the mark.

I just try and keep in mind what the end goal is - does it matter who bought that outfit? Or whether she paid for the special blanket? My goal isn't to receive thanks from my DC, but to see them happy - and I try and keep that centred in my mind when I feel snippy. My DC only have one mum, and that's me - and much as they love their nan, I know she doesn't come even close to me in their eyes so I can afford to be generous. It makes her happy, the DC get nice things - not really any losers.

I do dig my heels in over important things and that really is key. So for example, that might mean the first haircut, or the first time you take them to school. Those things are important for you as well as for them, and you shouldn't be robbed of those. As I say, it's about balance and working out what really matters to you. There's no right or wrong answers - it's how YOU feel.

Also, I should point out that it took me a few years to get to this level of Zen. At the start I was ready to fight her over who bought the latest bib or pack of baby wipes 😅

Stop sharing everything.

Most of this should be between your DH and you. Don't tell her things that will cause upset - she doesn't need to know who is taking you where, who is buying what, what you plan to do for your DS.

Think of some things that will be helpful/useful and gradually feed those to her - 'Do you know what Mum - DH and where thinking the other day we would love a 'insert item' and thought it would be something really lovely that perhaps you would like to get for us'

do not share every detail of your life with her.

This is all because the in laws live close to you and she doesn't and she is your mum. Tbh I think I would feel the same. She must be so excited but at the same time so worried that she won't have the same relationship with the child that your oin laws will. And it's true because when you live far away it is going to affect the bond and relationship. I think you should cut her some slack and allow her to be involved as much as possible. And when you go to the in laws or thet babysit etc, don't always tell your mum. She wouldn't find out otherwise and even though you aren't doing it to hurt her feelings she will be jealous that they will see alot more of the child than she will

I live in a different country to my parents and 10 minutes from my in laws.

I was worried about exactly the same things during my pregnancy (especially the jealousy issue) but honestly my mum hasn't been as bad as I feared. You just need to reassure her that she isn't second best and will get lots of time with her grandson. I'd suggest more regular visits rather than her coming for two weeks at a time, as that would be too much for most people.

Try not to be too hard on her . Becoming a Granny for the first time is an incredibly exciting time, you children having children, next generation etc, it does sound a bit wearing tbf but please don't pour too much cold water on her excitement!!

Enjoy it. If I could have one more day of my lovely mother clucking over me when I was pregnant I would love it.

Good advice on here. I do try not to tell her things but she calls me for up to an hour every day so I just chat away about what I am at.

I 100% will have some disposable nappes in. Also have little bottles of pre made baby milk in my boots trolly to buy in case BF isn't going as well as hoped.

DH is trying to re-gig things on the farm if DS arrives on his due day DH should be able to take a week off (well most of the day). But not sure I can tell baby our precise schedule! We lost 3 babies and didn't really think about the timeline when TTC.

So yes I realise I very well may need my mums support when DH is busy. I have said to book time off about 3 weeks after he is due and come up for a week. I want her to have plenty of time with him, when he is tiny.

I have let her off buying clothes. I think she knows I don't want mountains of tat as he grows toys wise but I won't say not to buy thing. She wants to spoil him and I get that.

OMG the 1st day of school thing, she was up over the weekend and we passed the primary school. She mentioned about how it will be such a proud day for us all and she will be there! She wasn't even there for my 1st day of school

@Celendine I am sorry you don't have you mum anymore. My grandparents raised me from when I was a few weeks old. I would love them to have been here when I got married, and now when I am having a baby so I do get what that loss feels like.

But it is also allowable to have a moan about things that irritate me.

I'd take her pram shopping or car seat shopping with you. And if she offers to pay let her.

Don't waste money on milk if your planning on bf It's easy enough to get hold of if bf doesn't work out.

@RedHelenB

Don't waste money on milk if your planning on bf It's easy enough to get hold of if bf doesn't work out.

@RedHelenB I'm just a little worried that it will be 3am, my milk won't be coming. He'll be screaming. Would it not be better to have a few in case? I'm worried about what I would do then. We are 40 mins from the nearest large supermarket and it closes at 10pm. In general I am completely against any sort of waste but would this not be worth it? (1st time mum so all new!)

@frustrated354 speaking from very recent experience I would recommend having at least a 4 pack of first infant milk in the house before LO is born. We had some feeding issues in the first couple of days after birth, resulting in DP needing to make an emergency trip to supermarket late at night. Our local Asda is only 5 mins away, but didn't stop this being a stressful experience that would have been less stressful had we been more prepared.

You say she missed your first day at school.. Did she miss much? Maybe she is trying to make up with your dc what she missed out on with you.

@Celendine

Enjoy it. If I could have one more day of my lovely mother clucking over me when I was pregnant I would love it.

There's always one.

Are you now saying that your mother did not raise you, OP. That puts a whole new slant on this issue. If your DM did not bring you up, she sees your baby as a chance to do things right, or an opportunity to make amends to you.
It would be kind to let her be involved when baby is tiny - maybe visit for five days or a week when he is quite new, and then do another visit from her a few weeks later, so that she feels involved. But she will have to respect your boundaries while she is helping out. You will probably feel glad of her help if it lets you get extra sleep and rest in the early weeks. Agree with other posters who say don't discuss MIL's input too freely. What does that gain you?

@Maydaysoonenough she missed a lot yes, I was raised by my GPs. Her reasoning behind why has changed over the years. I saw her in school holidays. She brought me nice places, I was certainly the 1st of most of my friends to visit London and bought me nice things. If it was around in the 90s I bet she would have looked fab on insta with me. I won't stop her doing that with DS. She loves when I post things on FB so I oblige like for birthdays/ mothers day etc (shows what a farce SM is, but it keeps her happy). She couldn't wait for me to make an announcement online but after 3 losses I was a little bit cautious!

Anyway, she is re-writing history now. The way she words things makes it sound like she was there. DH said he was thinking wtf the other night when she was talking about how to do xyz with a small baby. When she has never raised one. But what's the point in saying 'mum you didn't raise me so what would you know' it would only make her cry and achieve nothing! I have to accept she probably did do what was best at the time. Even if I don't think she did it thinking of me, I think I was far better off being raised by my GPs so it did work out. I've made peace with a lot of it, I did have counselling.