Mum over involved DS not even here!

[frustrated354]

I am expecting my first baby this summer, my mums first GCS she is very excited, I am very excited. But my God, you'd think she is having the baby.

She keeps saying 'we' need to get that sorted. I keep saying ‘you mean ye' she ignored me saying that a few times yesterday. I finally said you do realise it is me and DH having a baby not you, that's what I mean by correcting you to say ye, she said I did notice but lol/haha.

She lives about 2.5hrs away from me ILs live 2 mins down the road. I think she is jealous of sometimes as well. My MIL is taking me to my appointment this week instead of DH ( I don't have a car right). She's like oh that's a pity. Making me feel bad that I'm leaving her out. I need a lift MIL has offered. If there was public transport, I would take it to avoid this! MIL is very boundary conscious.

MIL offered us a moses basket, DM she says I was looking at those. SIL said she'd buy the cot, DM says, I wanted to get that. (Now I won't let either of them buy it as they are a lot more expensive than I thought). She also said 'now make sure you buy a decent one' no I am going to buy a rickety piece of trash!

Everything is WE need to get that. Then when she was up over the weekend and going on about stocking up on nappies, I told her we are going to use re-usable nappies she wrinkled her nose! Then tried to back track.

She is horrified about the thought of me buying baby clothes bundles instead of brand new. She says, 'I always bought the best for you'. As if clothes worn a few times, and will be washed will hurt him.

Just frustrates me! How do I balance her feelings included and not trying to over shadow what we (DH and I) decide is right for OUR baby?

@HotWashCycle well I've already let that out of the bag about MIL helping but I will keep it under wraps better. I didn't say it to her to make her feel bad. Just to say that it will be helpful to me. But no it gains me nothings. I just need to watch what I say. I've managed to not tell her the name which she is really annoyed about but I just say I don't know yet. I avoid that subject with her. So I will just ignore discussing MIL too.

@HotWashCycle

Are you now saying that your mother did not raise you, OP. That puts a whole new slant on this issue. If your DM did not bring you up, she sees your baby as a chance to do things right, or an opportunity to make amends to you. It would be kind to let her be involved when baby is tiny - maybe visit for five days or a week when he is quite new, and then do another visit from her a few weeks later, so that she feels involved. But she will have to respect your boundaries while she is helping out. You will probably feel glad of her help if it lets you get extra sleep and rest in the early weeks. Agree with other posters who say don't discuss MIL's input too freely. What does that gain you?

I disagree with this. The OP doesn’t owe her mother a chance to ‘raise’ a baby so she feels involved when she didn’t have much of a hand in raising her when she was little.

The OP doesn’t have to pay twice for her mother’s choice to not raise her own child.

Your mum must have had some difficult circumstances if she didn't raise you, maybe she's over compensating now, but I get why you are a bit resentful over the things she's saying as she placed you elsewhere and is now all over your baby coming along.
As others have said I'd also give her a couple of bigger jobs and take her mind off what you want to sort out, and if she asks just tell her those things are sorted so can you do XYZ
Good luck with your baby

Maybe the high chair. Baby won't need that for a long time yet so she can look at those. She isn't the most organised so I may end up getting it myself but it would keep her distracted for the rest of the pregnancy!

Her reasons were her reasons. They change frequently and usually try and square the blame on other ppl. Eg my dad left what was she do it. Yes very true it would have been hard but many mum still manage to keep their babies. She could have moved back in with her DPs with me. Basically she was reasonably young (20s) and liked her lifestyle in London. I didn't fit into that so well apart from holidays. We get on well now and that's the main thing. So long as I balance!

MIL offered us a moses basket, DM she says I was looking at those. SIL said she'd buy the cot, DM says, I wanted to get that.

She isn't the most organised so I may end up getting it myself

Sounds like she is all talk! Don't let her re-write history and keep re-iterating that this is your baby, not hers.

DM has said she 'will' come up for 2 weeks. Seems a bit much to me

You need to get your DH on board for if she outstays her welcome and you need her to leave.

You are not responsible for making your mother happy.

Her neglect of you is twisting her (and your) perception of healthy boundaries.

You don't owe her anything really. She should certainly not be demanding anything from you or your family.

Next time she texts just message that you will let her know about coming to stay as you won't really be up for hosting for 2 weeks. . Rinse and repeat.

To be fair when she does say I don't host her. I do cook dinner but don't wait on her just let her work away making a cuppa/ getting a snack doing what she wants basically. I know she will want to see DS when he is tiny so I will say to her to come up when he is a few days up for a night or two, then maybe for a week when DH is busy. I won't have any issue with telling her to go home though if I need a break.

I've told her to keep an eye out for high chairs so she's working on that. I told her my app today was with DH, I didn't tell her MIL drove me. I certainly won't tell her MIL and I went for lunch after and a little bit of shopping. That I do get, I don't want her to feel like she is missing out.

@frustrated354

[quote RedHelenB]Don't waste money on milk if your planning on bf It's easy enough to get hold of if bf doesn't work out.

@RedHelenB I'm just a little worried that it will be 3am, my milk won't be coming. He'll be screaming. Would it not be better to have a few in case? I'm worried about what I would do then. We are 40 mins from the nearest large supermarket and it closes at 10pm. In general I am completely against any sort of waste but would this not be worth it? (1st time mum so all new!)[/quote]Up to you of course but no one I knew who planned on bf ( even those who ended up FF) had any in " in case" It's more of a gradual thing if baby doesn't take your milk, there would be time to buy it. It does have a shelf life though so you could well end up wasting it.

I'd buy the milk

I think you just have to set firm boundaries, although I'm with those who say see how you feel after the birth about how much she visits. You might find you need the support, although you might find you are fine.

My mum always takes about my dad's mum coming to stay after I was born and how she was doing all the running around still while my nana spent her time sat on the sofa with me which mum obviously didn't find helpful!

Funnily enough that's the only time my nana actually paid any interest in me.

Although bf didn't go well and my mum was getting grief off the midwifes so my nana piped up, that babies hungry and is having a bottle unless you fancy feeding her yourself, which my mum was grateful for!