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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Changed mind about being bridesmaid/MOH

26 replies

aunaturel78 · 18/04/2022 16:28

So just over a yr ago a close family member asked me to be her MOH, i really dislike everything about this role but as we are so close I reluctantly said yes, At the time I thought it was a smallish affair with just myself and her DD as bridesmaids. A few months later she then told me that there were actually going to be 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen. I am so happy that she gets to plan the big day she wants and her wedding party is totally her choice, however, I am a very low key introvert and feel really uncomfortable with being part the huge wedding party stuff. She 100% knows what my personality is like so I feel that she should have given the details before asking me. Also, the guy she is marrying is younger so his groomsmen are all 30ish, while I am early 40's. She has been super bitchy towards me over past few months about organising hen weekend etc,. I have recently started an extremely busy job and I am often away from home for 2-3 days travelling for work, along with running my own home/family and trying to help my parents as my mum has a very serious illness. Apparently, thats no excuse for not being on top of bridesmaid duties!! Anyway, things have taken a toll and I am now in avoidance mode. I really want to get out of this before dresses are finalised etc......but am I being a horrible person to jump ship when wedding is in 5.5 months. I know I will not be able to commit to the time that she will expect closer to the wedding and feel it will cause more drama. I still really want to support her in other ways and will of course contribute financially to everything I would done have as a MOH. Advice greatly appreciated x

OP posts:

VerifiedBot2351 · 18/04/2022 16:35

That sounds like a nightmare. If you pull out, she will be cross, but the sooner the better so that someone else can do it instead.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 18/04/2022 16:38

If she's been bitchy and pushy I would refer straight back to that. You might expect a bit of stressiness near the day but not unpleasant behaviour months out. She's moved the goalposts here by turning it into a much bigger responsibility than when you said yes.

You could say 'I'm delighted that you're having the day you want but when I agreed to be bridesmaid there was no mention of this level of expectation. I also didn't expect to be receiving this sort of messaging from you over several months. It's mainly this that I don't have the capacity for given the stress of my new job so I would prefer to step down as bridesmaid before the dresses etc are ordered.'

mamabeeboo · 18/04/2022 17:00

I'd thank her for asking you and you have had a think about it more and state clearly what you are able to commit. Only able to do x number of meetings, spend x number of minutes /hours organising per week / month. And ask if she's happy with that. And sorry you can't do more, but would rather be up front now, rather than let her down nearer the time. Also, be clear you're happy to step down. Hopefully she can come to her own decision that she needs more commitment and will agree that stepping down is the best decision.

NameChChChChanges1 · 18/04/2022 17:10

Sounds like either way your friendship will be damaged: either she's going to continue to drive you mad until the wedding and you won't be able to stand her and will distance yourself after or you tell her now (as gently as possible) things have changed and you can't commit, and accept she's probably going to end the friendship. I'd do Plan B because at least that way you're not going to be treated like a skivvy by a batshit bridezilla for the next

NameChChChChanges1 · 18/04/2022 17:10

*next 5.5 months

Thatswhyimacat · 18/04/2022 17:11

If you're really that close you should be able to speak to her. Maybe highlight that because of what's going on you don't feel you can give your all and therefore she won't have the hen etc that she might want. Do you know who the other bridesmaids are - does she have anyone else who would be able to step up and organise a hen etc?

Hankunamatata · 18/04/2022 17:14

If your MOH then it is your responsibility to organise the hen. I'd tell her that ypir struggling mentally, feel you have let her down (even if it's a lie) and it's better if you step down and let other bridesmaids take over.

SaggyBlinders · 18/04/2022 17:17

So are there any plans for her hen do?

Speak to her and sat you're stepping down from organising anything. The other 4 bridesmaids can plan the hen.

She's probably being a bridezilla, but I can kinda see why she's stressed about the hen if there are no plans and the wedding is in 5 and a half months, not that that's your sole problem to sort.

Kite22 · 18/04/2022 17:43

She's going to be upset and annoyed either way, but doing it sooner rather than later is less bad.

tillytown · 18/04/2022 18:36

Have you planned anything for the hen do? If you didn't want to plan it you should have told her months ago when she first starting chasing up what the details were.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 18/04/2022 20:18

Yabu

merrymelodies · 18/04/2022 20:21

Bail. It will all end in tears if you don't. Poor you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2022 20:36

Get out now.

“Hi x, I know how excited you are about the wedding and I’m really happy for you. You deserve a MOH who can give you the help and support you need and that isn’t me at the moment. I’ve got too much on and I’m really struggling with day to day stuff as it is. I hope you can understand and not be too upset but I realise this might be disappointing. I’m looking forward to coming to your wedding as a guest and know you’ll be a beautiful bride and you and x will have a brilliant day. Lots of love x”.

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2022 20:38

You should have said no before op; you’re being unreasonable to say you’re not doing it now but it’s probably for the best for everyone

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 20:38

Yes, pull out and don’t organise the hen do!

YABU re the size of the bridal party, but not U to be pissed off with the bride’s behaviour.

Ishacoco · 18/04/2022 20:46

I think you've left it too late to pull out tbh. Will there be someone who could step straight into your shoes and not be a bit pissed off that they weren't first choice?

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 20:48

Wedding is 5.5 months away, not weeks or days, and there’re 4 other bridesmaids!

Alightjacket · 18/04/2022 20:54

I think you need to be prepared for it to be the end of your friendship if you do pull out. Your reasons are understandable from an outsiders perspective, but she will probably be quite hurt so may end the friendship.

I'm shocked the hen hasn't already happened though, I think that was something you should have arranged sooner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2022 20:56

Since when is more than 5 months too short notice?! Our wedding was around 2 months after we decided to get engaged. I’ve been to several weddings planned in less than 5 months and hen dos which took place in between!

I agree the size of the wedding party isn’t the best reason to drop out but it is relevant to how much faff doing a hen do will be - potentially loads.

And if they’re so close why didn’t OP know what a big wedding it was going to be?

Clymene · 18/04/2022 20:56

@Ishacoco

I think you've left it too late to pull out tbh. Will there be someone who could step straight into your shoes and not be a bit pissed off that they weren't first choice?

The wedding is nearly 6 months away! It's plenty of time. It's one bloody day.

Pull out now OP. She sounds massively inconsiderate and you will just end up getting more and more stressed and you don't need her bloody wedding to worry about on top of your mum's illness and your new job.

I'm sure someone who has fewer demands on their time will step up.

If she ghosts you, she was never really a friend.

And I'm so sorry about your mum

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 20:57

Brides who expect one friend or even a small group to arrange the hen do are unreasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2022 20:58

People keep saying it’s a friendship, OP says close family member. So presumably one who knows how busy she is taking care of her ill mum.

SaggyBlinders · 18/04/2022 22:45

Every hen do I've been to has been at least a month before the wedding day, so say it's 4.5 months away. People need a bit of notice so they can find a weekend that they're all free, and have a few paydays notice to pay for whatever they end up doing. It's definitely doable but needs sorting sooner rather than later.

From the bride's point of view, there has been over a year to start planning a date, get something booked etc. So I can kind of see why she's a bit miffed if it's not been done - from her point of view it's very important.

My personal point of view is that it would be much easier if brides organised and paid for their own hen. Organising a hen do with a load of women you don't know very well or at all can be a nightmare, and I wouldn't want to do it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2022 22:56

I agree completely that as it was so important to the bride she could have picked a date and got a bloody move on well before now. She also has 5 other bridesmaids to skivvy for her if needed. She’s the one who’ll know the guest list.

Original poster

aunaturel78 · 19/04/2022 17:37

Hi everyone and thanks so much for all your replies. Just to clarify, the bride is a family member. The hen party has been booked since Feb, but one of the other BM let slip the location and bride is not happy with our choice (5* hotel and a champagne cruise) but we have already paid a deposit. Have also booked another hen party meal closer to home so that older family members can have a night out too. I am a very easy going person but I have been very put off by the way I have been spoken to in relation to this. I also don't seem to have any say in the dress we wear in comparison to other bridesmaids, I would never want anyone to feel uncomfortable if it was my wedding......I think it really important if you want someone to wear something for a long day that they should have some input into what they wear. It is of course her wedding and she can ultimately do as she pleases. I just feel that if you want others to be involved a little bit of respect is required. I am dreading every aspect of this whole thing and really wish I had said no at the beginning, usually I would just suck it up for the sake of the other person but really feel like I cant do this x

OP posts:

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