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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - late nights

35 replies

Geordie87 · 18/04/2022 11:47

Just want to get peoples thoughts on this situation please as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable / a massive grump.

DSS who is 20 lives with us, has done since he was 16/17, he's a good kid in general no real problems, we did have a few issues with pushing boundaries a few years ago with him having house parties whilst we were on holiday / bringing people home in the middle of the night whilst we were asleep but that's in the past now and other than that he causes no issues at all. Apart from....

He's got into the habit of going out every Friday and Saturday night, until 3am-6am every time, I'm a terribly light sleeper and struggle to go back to sleep once I'm woken up. So this means every weekend I'm having horrible broken sleep, which puts me in a foul mood all day. He's not particularly loud when he comes back, I'm just such a light sleeper literally anything will wake me up. I used to wear ear plugs but since having DD (who is 18 months) I obviously can't wear them anymore.
DH would sleep through an earthquake, so none of this affects him at all (worth mentioning here in the only one who does middle of the night and early morning with DD) and when I've discussed it with him he's just not that interested in how it's affecting me. Which is another issue completely. However, I just wanted to know those with adult kids still at home is this acceptable / normal behaviour? I'm in my mid 30's so I do have a vague memory of being 20 and wanting to go out all the time but I'd already moved out by then so my late nights didn't affect anyone... it's really come to a head this weekend as it's the bank holiday so I've had Thursday - Sunday of really bad sleeps. With last night him coming home at 1am then back out at 2.30 to return home at 5, which was just great Confused

I don't really know what the answer is so any advice would be appreciated! I did consider putting this in the step parenting forum but not sure how relevant it would have been in there really.

OP posts:
Moochio · 18/04/2022 18:17

Can you ask him to just go out one night a weekend? Or stay round a mates?

Original poster
Geordie87 · 18/04/2022 19:47

Is that a reasonable thing to ask? I've no experience of adult kids of my own as yet so a bit clueless on what the boundaries should be. And as seen as DH thinks it's a non issue I feel I've got to tread carefully to find the right balance.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just the one time over a weekend, but both nights every single weekend is really starting to get very draining. I work full time and do all of the nighttime / morning stuff with DD so I'm knackered at the best of times without this.

OP posts:
Moochio · 18/04/2022 19:48

Well it's your home too. So don't see why you can't all have a sensible conversation and come to a compromise.

mrziggycoco · 18/04/2022 20:12

It's nice that you get on, so from that I'd expect you to be able to talk properly about it. If he's not a complete jerk he can surely think about how to stop waking you up in your own home.

Original poster
Geordie87 · 18/04/2022 21:42

That's what makes it a bit tricky, he's not exactly loud when he comes home - I'm just a ridiculously light sleeper. If he was coming in banging about I could have the conversation about being a bit more considerate but he really doesn't, it's just the door opening etc that wakes me up.

In my eyes the only solution really is him either being home by a reasonable time (ie before 2am) or staying at his mates (or maybe even his mums but I seriously doubt she'd put up with him coming in at 4/5am)

I just don't know if that's me being unreasonable though as I'm on my own with it being a problem currently

OP posts:
Volhhg · 18/04/2022 21:54

It can be difficult living with this age. Why would 1am be any better than 4am if you have already gone to sleep? Sounds like an issue his dad should be dealing with not you. Speak to his dad about it

Original poster
Geordie87 · 18/04/2022 22:04

@Volhhg

It can be difficult living with this age. Why would 1am be any better than 4am if you have already gone to sleep? Sounds like an issue his dad should be dealing with not you. Speak to his dad about it
I find it easier to go back to sleep if it's earlier in the morning than 4am plus. Especially as it gets lighter. As I said in my OP his dad currently seems very disinterested with it as it doesn't affect him directly, so really just wanted to gauge opinions before I raise it again with him.

Part of me thinks I'm being a grump and he's just enjoying being young but it's bloody hard when I spend every weekend feeling knackered

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 18/04/2022 22:10

He's not really doing anything wrong - he is a young adult living his life in an entirely normal fashion and being reasonably quiet when he comes home.

The issue is with you.

You could ask him to move out but it seems a bit harsh to do so on the basis you are a "ridiculously light sleeper" as you say so yourself.

I'd revisit the ear plugs. You'll hear an 18 month old if they scream.

Ionlydomassiveones · 18/04/2022 22:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Geordie87 · 18/04/2022 22:34

Just to be clear, it never even entered my head to consider asking him to move out because of it 😂

It seems my DH is right then and it's my problem, it just feels very draining when it's every Friday and Saturday every week, however it does appear I need to "suck it up" and deal with it Smile

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 18/04/2022 22:37

If you're working full time why are you doing all the nighttime/ morning stuff? You need at least one lie in on the weekend (or both if you're doing wake ups 7 nights a week)

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/04/2022 22:38

It wouldn’t be unreasonable to explore whether he could stay at a friend’s. Even if you had to reciprocate you might have half the night wakings.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 18/04/2022 22:39

I don't see why you can't have a light chat with him, friend to friend as it were. Easier if you can identify some part of his getting home that wakes you (ie is it the door, him on the stairs etc)?

As you have a good relationship, in your shoes I would be hugely apologetic but explain how light you sleep and how big an impact its having on you while looking after an infant. If it's him coming up there stairs, can you ask him if he'd mind pleade crashing on the sofa for a couple of hours?

Or just ask him very nicely to reduce his early arrivald it to one night a week for a couple of weeks so you can catch up. With a bottle of something to say thank you.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2022 22:41

He's got into the habit of going out every Friday and Saturday night, until 3am-6am every time

Given that you also say you do the early morning starts with your DD, I’d tell your DSS that if he goes out then wherever possible he is to stay out until 6am. That way he gets to go out, you get to sleep and then you’ll be up with your DD anyway once he comes home.

Stath · 18/04/2022 22:46

Why the fuck does your DH not do nights/early get ups with your DD?!

I’m a light sleeper and wake when adult/teen DC come home early hours. My DH sleeps through anything so if I’ve had a disturbed night then he gets up with younger DC even if it’s not his ‘turn’.

Your DH is being very unreasonable.

Kite22 · 18/04/2022 22:51

I have sympathy with you in one way as I don't do well without sleep, BUT, your dss isn't doing anything wrong here. That is the time that young people go out, and the time the clubs are open. The time that their social lives happen. You've said a few times he comes in quietly and isn't doing anything unreasonable. I think if I were that light a sleeper, I'd have to wear ear plugs. You have a dh who could wake for the little one if she wakes.
The real issue in this thread that I can see is that you are doing all the attending to your little one in the night, and that your dh isn't sharing that.

OurChristmasMiracle · 18/04/2022 22:56

The fact that your DSS is being quiet when he returns suggests that he does have consideration for you - which makes me ask does he even know that he is waking you up and you then can’t get back to sleep? Because ultimately if he is unaware of it then nothing will change.

He may well be happy to say “okay that’s fine I will sleep at Sam’s until morning” and return home around 8am to crawl into his own bed at an earthly hour

maddy68 · 18/04/2022 22:57

Of course it's normal behaviour he goes out until late at the weekend.

Maybe ask him if he can stay at a friend's one night (however I guarantee you wont sleep wondering if he got back ok !)

AmberLynn1536 · 18/04/2022 22:57

Sorry but it’s your problem not his, he is not doing anything wrong, it’s not his fault you are a light sleeper, you really can’t curtail an adults life because of your sleep issues particularly as he is quiet when he comes home.

Lemons1571 · 18/04/2022 23:03

My mum was like this. I lived out as soon as I could and never went back to live at home again. It was like living the life of a 40 something when you’re in an 18 year olds body.

I think the issue is more that your DH is doing nothing to help on either count, with your DD or with the sleep problem. Explore that honestly first, before alienating your DSS by setting a curfew.

TambourineTimesThree · 18/04/2022 23:05

The solution is simple - you put your earplugs in and your DH is on toddler duty during the nights/early mornings. (He should be doing some of them anyway.)

I assume your DH will happily agree to this when you explain that you're getting very little sleep at weekends due to the comings and goings of his son.

If he doesn't, you have bigger problems to be honest

ChampagneLassie · 19/04/2022 02:22

I think you seem very reasonable. My parents would not have tolerated this at all, I had to be home by 10pm most nights and if I wanted to "treat their house like a hotel", I had to move out. I stayed at friends when iwent out clubbing till I moved out. I also rented a room in a shared house in my 30s which owner made simmilar remarks to you and made it clear if I made late returns a regular thing she'd ask me to leave. Its your home YANBU. I'd suggest say time you're OK with 12? And occasional later by agreement.

User5643638 · 19/04/2022 02:33

Put ear plugs in and DH in charge of DD - tell him this has to be the case every time DSS goes out. Watch him sort the issue out very quickly

DSGR · 19/04/2022 02:35

I agree he should be allowed to go out, he’s not doing anything wrong.
However I’d be furious at having to do all the night wake ups and early starts with a toddler! Your DH is not being fair at all

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2022 03:02

The problem is your DH, not your DS.

Those nights, you should be able to put earplugs in and DH should be getting up if needed. He only doesn’t as his brain knows you will so sleeps through.

If you had of said DS is noisy then problem easily solved. However, the fact he comes in very quietly and you are an abnormally light sleeper is hard to make his problem. It’s also odd that if he comes in earlier it’s okay and you can get back to sleep but not later, that seems a mind over matter thing as opposed to you can’t get back to sleep if woken up.