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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - late nights

35 replies

Geordie87 · 18/04/2022 11:47

Just want to get peoples thoughts on this situation please as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable / a massive grump.

DSS who is 20 lives with us, has done since he was 16/17, he's a good kid in general no real problems, we did have a few issues with pushing boundaries a few years ago with him having house parties whilst we were on holiday / bringing people home in the middle of the night whilst we were asleep but that's in the past now and other than that he causes no issues at all. Apart from....

He's got into the habit of going out every Friday and Saturday night, until 3am-6am every time, I'm a terribly light sleeper and struggle to go back to sleep once I'm woken up. So this means every weekend I'm having horrible broken sleep, which puts me in a foul mood all day. He's not particularly loud when he comes back, I'm just such a light sleeper literally anything will wake me up. I used to wear ear plugs but since having DD (who is 18 months) I obviously can't wear them anymore.
DH would sleep through an earthquake, so none of this affects him at all (worth mentioning here in the only one who does middle of the night and early morning with DD) and when I've discussed it with him he's just not that interested in how it's affecting me. Which is another issue completely. However, I just wanted to know those with adult kids still at home is this acceptable / normal behaviour? I'm in my mid 30's so I do have a vague memory of being 20 and wanting to go out all the time but I'd already moved out by then so my late nights didn't affect anyone... it's really come to a head this weekend as it's the bank holiday so I've had Thursday - Sunday of really bad sleeps. With last night him coming home at 1am then back out at 2.30 to return home at 5, which was just great Confused

I don't really know what the answer is so any advice would be appreciated! I did consider putting this in the step parenting forum but not sure how relevant it would have been in there really.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2022 03:14

Why on earth is DH doing no early mornings?

Solution... you get broken sleep in the nighttime and DH does all the early mornings so you get to rest. It's obvious that you would do the nights because you wake anyway. But there's not excuse for the mornings.

If you say, "I can't do all the DD sleep issue, DSS coming in and all the early mornings, what's your solution?" He says it doesn't bother him, "no DH it is a problem because I'm knackered and miserable, what are we going to do about it?"

HELLITHURT · 19/04/2022 06:34

The problem is "yours", but it's easily solved with you using earplugs and DH doing night wakings. If he's doing night wakings, you could get ups? If there are no night wakings, you take it in turn to do get ups? I'm not sure what "he doesn't seem to be interested in doing it means" because interested or not he should be doing it.

girlmom21 · 19/04/2022 06:45

Simple solution is the days you get disturbed DH does the morning get ups so you can catch up on sleep.

pinkunicorns54 · 19/04/2022 06:55

I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about doing nights at least one night of a weekend for your daughter! Then you can put your earplugs in!

Hugasauras · 19/04/2022 07:00

Can't you just wear ear plugs but keep monitor on loud beside bed? They don't block out noise entirely - you'll still hear loud noise right by your ear!

tackling · 19/04/2022 07:02

On the one hand, assuming you're all friendly and genuinely get on well, I think you could reasonably say "I love you but I'm so knackered and always get woken up, if it's outside of these hours could you try to stay at a mate's house if at all possible?"

However, more to the point, I'd have long since told DH to bloody do his part with the toddler in the mornings.

It shouldn't all be on you OP, you're not the default parent here and it isn't fair - he has to start stepping up too.

Say you're wearing ear plugs and it's his turn tomorrow.

yogacurl · 19/04/2022 07:04

Whatever happens here, enough is enough. The men in your home shouldn't be making your life miserable like this.

TheRocketWillFly · 19/04/2022 07:36

and when I've discussed it with him he's just not that interested in how it's affecting me.

This is your issue. Why are you letting your husband treat you like a doormat.

Original poster
Geordie87 · 19/04/2022 11:38

I'm taking on board all your comments re DH, it's just become habit I think. He's always worked long hours and is the main earner by some distance so I took control of nighttime's and mornings during my Mat leave, then when I returned to work part time it never really seemed an issue, but I am at fault for letting it continue now I'm doing full time.

I've never really seen myself as a doormat but it's been an eye opener to see so many comments thinking he is taking the piss... there's definitely a discussion needed this week. Lots of good ideas too for a discussion with DSS - thank you. I can't quote posts but I appreciate them all.

I would like to point out I'm not wicked stepmother who doesn't want DSS to enjoy himself, he works hard & most definitely should go out. When it just used to be 1 night every weekend it never bothered me, but now it's turned into both every weekend and then the long weekend of 4 nights of broken sleep really got to me, was exhausted yesterday & DH was working so I had DD alone too, it was a long day Confused

However, I can absolutely agree now that it's a DH problem that I need to address.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 19/04/2022 12:05

You live in the house too and are as entitled to enjoy living there as everyone else.
Have a conversation with SS and of course DH who feels unaffected by toddlers and grown up son's sleeping habits! Let them come up with solutions that work for you, and them.
Regroup in a month and evaluate if its working so everyone doesn't just slide back into ignoring your legitimate needs.

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