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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About partner and exP?

26 replies

BeachHut5 · 18/04/2022 08:18

Several years ago I split with exP, father of my two dc. He didn't want to be with me, was quite horrible and had lost interest in me and our relationship, we had a toddler and a baby.

I moved out, got a job and rented a tiny house (all I could afford). Life was hard for a while.

Fast forward several years and dc are now 9 and 6. I've been promoted several times at work so now a relatively high earner, got a mortgage and bought a decent sized house on my own, life is much better.

I have a boyfriend of a couple of years who has met the kids and is good with them. He won't be moving in and we won't be getting married (I'd never take that financial risk) however he stays at mine 2/3 nights a week and one of those could be when dc are home.

ExP (kids dad) objects to me having bf stay over and says I should wait until they are 18, that they shouldn't be aware that I have a partner who sleeps in my bed.

Aibu to have bf 'around' with kids and staying over one night per week? For information, when he's around he's generally quite helpful, fair share of cooking etc.

OP posts:
cumonilean · 18/04/2022 08:26

Nothing to do with ex. He sounds jealous.

Mindymomo · 18/04/2022 08:26

It’s none of his business, you’ve moved on and there’s nothing he can do. As long as it works for you all and dc, partner and yourself are happy with the arrangement that’s fine. Life is for living.

youlightupmyday · 18/04/2022 08:28

Ignore the idiot. He has no say

NorthSouthcatlady · 18/04/2022 08:29

What’s it got to do with him?! Literally none of his business

GM90 · 18/04/2022 08:32

If anything it will be nice for your kids to see you happy! Also, even though you're a mum you still deserve your own happiness.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 18/04/2022 08:35

I doubt he'd hold himself to the same standard if he had the children 4/5 nights a week. While of course the introductions should be in an appropriate way at a time when you reasonably expect the relationship will be a long one they should happen. You shouldn't be expected to spend the 16+ years after the break up and youngest turning 18 never having a long term partner staying with you and the kids.

I honestly don't see much difference between a long term partner and a fiance/spouse. I know several very committed partners who have healthier relationships than their married counterparts. They've made provisions for whoever is left after the first passes and thought about care for the children if they should split. Of course this isn't always the case, some men don't want to marry as then they can leave with few responsibilities but not marrying isn't always a sign of lack of commitment.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/04/2022 08:39

Tell him.you will do that if/when he does the same. After all, it isn't fair on the kids to see their daddy with a woman who isn't their mummy.

He's a twat. Tell him so!

LoudSnoringDog · 18/04/2022 08:41

Tell him to mind his own fucking business.

Original poster
BeachHut5 · 18/04/2022 08:45

Thanks. I've addressed his concerns, ie bf and I wear our pj's and dressing gowns Confused. Of course I can't guarantee that this relationship will never end, but all relationships carry that risk.

My life is better with bf in it, I'm happy and he's helpful around the house.

OP posts:
Sarkymarky · 18/04/2022 08:47

Exp thinks he can tell you what to do? Well you should tell him what to do and the last word is off

Pinkishpurple · 18/04/2022 09:04

I actually laughed reading this! What an idiot your ex is! He's definitely being controlling and maybe jealous as well. Sounds like you are modelling a perfectly healthy relationship with bf in front of your children. I wouldn't get into conversation ex again, he obviously has his own agenda!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 18/04/2022 09:15

Yeah it’s nothing to do with him. As ping as your bf is a safe person with no risk to the kids- what’s the issue? This is 2022… hardly scandal of the century mother has boyfriend.

PlasticineMeg · 18/04/2022 09:17

Your ex is being ridiculous and controlling and it’s none of his business.

But this is MN and you’ll be told that your parent is definitely abusing your children because that’s all men want women with children for, and you must call 101 immediately

PlasticineMeg · 18/04/2022 09:17

*partner not parent

OverTheRubicon · 18/04/2022 09:18

What are the rules for him?

OverTheRubicon · 18/04/2022 09:20

(and to be clear, I think they're silly rules anyway, after 2 years - but also think it's a different discussion if the children split their time 50/50 and he follows the same rules, or if he barely sees them / brings new women over all the time himself).

OverTheRubicon · 18/04/2022 09:21

@PlasticineMeg

Your ex is being ridiculous and controlling and it’s none of his business.

But this is MN and you’ll be told that your parent is definitely abusing your children because that’s all men want women with children for, and you must call 101 immediately

Projecting? A lot of people (me included) are unimpressed by the many women who post here to say how their boyfriend of 5 months is moving in because he's so great, but also doesn't like the kids etc etc etc. It's very different when it's 2 years into a relationship where someone may occasionally stay over.
Mumdiva99 · 18/04/2022 09:24

It's none of his business. (My caveat to that would be if you had a string of men coming around I do think he could object....) A long term relationship that is happy and healthy is no one else's business. If you and the kids (and your BF) are happy, comfortable and well adjusted then great.

surlycurly · 18/04/2022 09:36

Wow, that's rather controlling. I'd politely tell him to piss off. Your kids need to see you around someone that is kind to you, and that you enjoy sharing positive times with. They don't need to see you miserable because you're living some artificial life because your ex pressed the guilt button. There's nothing to be guilty about here.

AllFreeOwls · 18/04/2022 09:36

Our of curiosity is your ex also proposing that he also remains single & celibate until the children are 18? I wouldn't imagine so.

Ignore your ex, he's being a plank.

heartofgrass · 18/04/2022 10:28

How dare he!

I would question the pjs and dressing gown remark though. Did the children tell him this because they feel awkward?

But on the whole ExP sounds like a twat.

PixieLaLa · 18/04/2022 23:12

YANBU your ex is being an idiot!

returntoUK · 18/04/2022 23:20

YANBU, your ex is trying to control you. How has his life panned out?

maddening · 18/04/2022 23:30

Your reply is that he lost any right to comment on your life when he kicked you out with a toddler and a baby.

NurseBernard · 18/04/2022 23:32

Absolutely none of his business.

Let him rant and rail as much as his heart desires.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.