Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother drives me insane!!

29 replies

SillySausage25 · 17/04/2022 23:24

Hi everyone ☺️
Am I being unreasonable?
Mum is 79 and lives alone in a council property.
Me and my husband have just moved into a new house nearby that needs loads of work doing at it, which we have started. Its a big house and we both work full time and have a young daughter.
I get school holidays off work and we have been working hard on the house at every opportunity and it's fair to say we are absolutely shattered most of the time. There has literally been blood, sweat and tears and we are no where near done.
Mum has been talking about her house and that she wants it decorating. Today, at a family gathering she said to everyone that she is going to get me to do some decorating for her when I am not working in the summer holidays. Now just to give you an idea, my Mom is difficult at the best of times and the whole family knows this. She is very selfish and has to be the centre of attention and can get nasty if she doesn't get what she wants. We don't have a close relationship anymore and over the years I have learnt to deal with her. Now I tell her when she is being unreasonable and I no longer give her everything she wants.
I told her that I have no problem decorating but that it will have to be after I have done my house and when I have enough time and that may not be by summer. She was, I quote, "flabbergasted" by my comment. I reminded her that as she lives in a council house, she does get decorating done for her by the council for free. My Dad told her that he had a good experience with them recently. Mum replied "I am not having someone I don't know do my decorating" In other words, it has to be me. This is exactly how she is. She would rather see me running ragged than get the council to do it for free. She has my husband cut all her hedges every summer instead of answering the door to the council gardeners that come to cut it!! She then said to everyone " I can't believe what she has just said and I have looked after your daughter when you have been too busy". Don't get me wrong, she has helped occasionally but only because she wants too. I certainly don't rely on her to look after my 12 year old at all as I am very fortunate and our work etc means we dont need help. It's her choice as she likes to see her Granddaughter. In the end I ushered her out to the car and my husband took her home where she talked about it/me all the way apparently. He even took a short cut as he was tired of hearing her 🤪.

I will never hear the last of this will I??

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 17/04/2022 23:29

Do you think you are being unreasonable?

LouiseTrees · 17/04/2022 23:30

Do some painting but do a piss poor job! Then be like “ that’s the time I had”.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 17/04/2022 23:32

No I don't but unfortunately when you have a parent that has spent years guilt tripping you every time you show any form of assertiveness, it's hard to know if I am being unreasonable or not. I guess sometimes I just need reassuring.

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 17/04/2022 23:41

Yanbu and you’ve told her now , so you must stick to your guns. If she mentions it again repeat that she would be quicker to get council as you have so much to do, and keep talking about ALL the things that have cropped up in your house

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2022 23:44

The word you're looking for is "no."

"No, mother, I will not help you redecorate your house now. I'm busy with mine."

"No, I'm not available."

Repeat as necessary.

gospelsinger · 17/04/2022 23:56

YANBU. The difficult thing now is to not be drawn into an argument about it. Get some neutral phrases ready.

SpinningMeSoftly · 18/04/2022 00:11

My council hasn't decorated properties for a very long time.

There are 'decorations allowances' for new tenants in extremis and that's it.

Anyway if you can't do it you can't do it.

TotalRhubarb · 18/04/2022 01:19

Do you want to do it?

It sounds like you already have enough on your plate and you could do with some downtime in the summer instead of being up a ladder.

Unless you love decorating, this sounds like an ideal scenario to start erecting healthy boundaries with her, by saying no.

She’ll kick off, of course. But that’s to be expected and not a sign you should cave in.

What’s the worst that could happen if you say no ans stick to your guns?

Thoosa · 18/04/2022 01:25

Free council decorators and free council gardeners?

I thought part of the uproar about “bedroom tax” and shuffling tenants around like cards was that tenants have to decorate and pay for carpets themselves? So moving is expensive. I’ve read that on here many times.

WildCoasts · 18/04/2022 01:25

Big nope to your mother. I would give her the option of either the council does it or no-one does it. Why should you give up family and rest time when you work hard to do it when she has another option? I'd put the ball back in her court and tell her that her choice is council or nothing. The same goes for cutting hedges. I'm not saying we shouldn't do anything for parents but this is an unfair demand.

violetbunny · 18/04/2022 05:29

Just say no. She can't force you. She will have to figure out another solution if she wants it done.

You should also look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) as it sounds like she is using these tactics against you. It's all about her wanting to control you. You need to figure out how to extricate yourself. Counselling may also be quite helpful.

violetbunny · 18/04/2022 05:30

Link here:
www.loewensteincounseling.com/blog/2019/6/4/the-emotional-fog-fear-obligation-amp-guilt

Susan Forward's books are also well worth a read. Have a look at the Toxic Parents one.

fffffeeeedddduupp · 18/04/2022 06:22

@SpinningMeSoftly

My council hasn't decorated properties for a very long time.

There are 'decorations allowances' for new tenants in extremis and that's it.

Anyway if you can't do it you can't do it.

My grandmother had a council house till 2014. Council decorated it every few years.
JennyForeigner · 18/04/2022 07:13

I read a quote this week along the lines of 'no is a circle of protection, used to take care of necessary things'

Trying to internalize that Smile

Hesma · 18/04/2022 08:37

You just need to be strong and say no. Let the council cut her hedges and decorate for her. Don’t let her continue to manipulate you. You’ve got this x

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 18/04/2022 10:22

Thanks everyone. I know its so much more than saying no to some decorating. It's so much deeper than that and I love her but have had years and years of this type of behaviour. I am so, so much better than I use to be about it all. I have learnt to change my behaviour and I am much more assertive. I limit time spent with her and its easier but every now and again I find she really gets in my head!
The whole day was spoilt by her behaviour if I am honest. She kept telling my Dad he was wrong about this and that. I told a story about an old friend and that life was treating her well and Mum just kept saying things like "she was a no it all back then" and just being nasty and negative when it really didn't have any place. She kept bringing the conversation back to her when people were talking, all about her ailments and things she has wrong with her. She kept telling me I was doing things wrong in the kitchen and that our house didn't really need anything doing to it, we just had to change things!
I just don't like her very much. Love her, but don't like her.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 18/04/2022 10:26

I voted YABU because as you say, the council will do it for her yet you’ve obviously given in and done stuff for her. Why? Just keep repeating that the council will do it, every time she asks.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 18/04/2022 10:32

@Cherrysoup I will always be there for anyone in my family if they need help just because that's the kind of person I am. What my Mum asks for, at times, is unreasonable and unnecessary. Things were 100% worse in the past and she dictated what was going to happen and when but I don't allow that now. Its hard because I am so use to doing what she wants and not asserting myself. I am always fearful of the response and it causes me such upset (like now when I have not slept well because I stood up to her). I have an older brother and I also worry that she will tell him and he will fall out with me. Its just so ingrained it's hard yo feel any different. Hope that explains a bit.

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 18/04/2022 10:40

My DP is a council gardener and yes they do go round sorting out people's gardens for them. Just the basics cutting long grass and hedges. And just for people who are retired or have ill health issues. That is why it is better to be a council tenant than with a private landlord often. Yes OP your Mother sounds grabby and demanding and you are right to carve out time for yourself especially when you work full time and have your own family. From what you have written here I imagine even if you spent the whole summer decorating for your mother she would still be finding something to complain about or adding more things to the job list. You have done well to add a bit of distance and say no to stuff.

Bluebluemoon · 18/04/2022 10:44

I love my dm and she's great but I still wouldn't decorate for her. And she would never ask me to.

Why on earth does your dm expect you to do it for her? She's a selfish CF.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 18/04/2022 10:57

Me and my husband once helped her clean when she first moved into her council home and it was an absolute nightmare 😩 Every single thing we did was wrong and we still hear about it now. The whole idea fills me with dread. She is the type of person that, when she asks for advice and you give it to her, if it turns out wrong she blames you for the rest of your life!! I am to blame for so many things and what's worse is she makes out that she is joking!. A year ago Mum went for an operation that she had to have. She asked me if she should have it done and of course, I said yes! There was no choice really. She knew it would be a slow recovery but she became frustrated and told me that it was me that told her to have the operation and that she should never have listened to me. Again, blaming me for her predicament. I mean, joke or no joke, what an awful thing to burden someone else with....the guilt!!

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 18/04/2022 11:03

You're much too sensitive. You haven't got time to go and do her decorating, so just say so. She can get decorators in, like anybody else. Just say no..

newbiename · 18/04/2022 11:03

Council definitely doesn't decorate in this area.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 18/04/2022 11:13

I am too sensitive you are completely right. I get anxious about what will happen after I have said no and will this reflect badly on me. I doubt myself and wonder over and over if it makes me a bad person. This is all because Mum makes me feel like a bad person for saying no. She told everyone in the car going home how selfish I was and no one corrects her.

OP posts:
Maves · 18/04/2022 11:16

Newsflash the council don't decorate.