Mother drives me insane!!

[SillySausage25]

Hi everyone ☺️
Am I being unreasonable?
Mum is 79 and lives alone in a council property.
Me and my husband have just moved into a new house nearby that needs loads of work doing at it, which we have started. Its a big house and we both work full time and have a young daughter.
I get school holidays off work and we have been working hard on the house at every opportunity and it's fair to say we are absolutely shattered most of the time. There has literally been blood, sweat and tears and we are no where near done.
Mum has been talking about her house and that she wants it decorating. Today, at a family gathering she said to everyone that she is going to get me to do some decorating for her when I am not working in the summer holidays. Now just to give you an idea, my Mom is difficult at the best of times and the whole family knows this. She is very selfish and has to be the centre of attention and can get nasty if she doesn't get what she wants. We don't have a close relationship anymore and over the years I have learnt to deal with her. Now I tell her when she is being unreasonable and I no longer give her everything she wants.
I told her that I have no problem decorating but that it will have to be after I have done my house and when I have enough time and that may not be by summer. She was, I quote, "flabbergasted" by my comment. I reminded her that as she lives in a council house, she does get decorating done for her by the council for free. My Dad told her that he had a good experience with them recently. Mum replied "I am not having someone I don't know do my decorating" In other words, it has to be me. This is exactly how she is. She would rather see me running ragged than get the council to do it for free. She has my husband cut all her hedges every summer instead of answering the door to the council gardeners that come to cut it!! She then said to everyone " I can't believe what she has just said and I have looked after your daughter when you have been too busy". Don't get me wrong, she has helped occasionally but only because she wants too. I certainly don't rely on her to look after my 12 year old at all as I am very fortunate and our work etc means we dont need help. It's her choice as she likes to see her Granddaughter. In the end I ushered her out to the car and my husband took her home where she talked about it/me all the way apparently. He even took a short cut as he was tired of hearing her 🤪.

I will never hear the last of this will I??

Council decorate? In this area they do the outside door and any fencing once every 7-10 years. Gardening and interior decorating has to be done by the tenant.

@SillySausage25

Me and my husband once helped her clean when she first moved into her council home and it was an absolute nightmare 😩 Every single thing we did was wrong and we still hear about it now. The whole idea fills me with dread. She is the type of person that, when she asks for advice and you give it to her, if it turns out wrong she blames you for the rest of your life!! I am to blame for so many things and what's worse is she makes out that she is joking!. A year ago Mum went for an operation that she had to have. She asked me if she should have it done and of course, I said yes! There was no choice really. She knew it would be a slow recovery but she became frustrated and told me that it was me that told her to have the operation and that she should never have listened to me. Again, blaming me for her predicament. I mean, joke or no joke, what an awful thing to burden someone else with....the guilt!!

The thing is Op you are her Scapegoat. Whatever you do will be wrong. Shit gold bars -wrong! So stoptrying Say no Im busy with my ownn house, best you let the council decorate. If she is" flabbergasted" Just repeat "I wont have time, best the council do it" Broken record,no sorrys just facts. Agree with FOG. Stop being afraid of her reaction and be firm. She sounds extremely unpleasant so keep her at arms length. Yes she is your Mother but shes harmful to your wellbeing.

Agree that neutral statements are best.
" oh this , that the other is WRONG"
"oh dear, lets put the kettle on"
Take the wind out of her sails

@SillySausage25

I am too sensitive you are completely right. I get anxious about what will happen after I have said no and will this reflect badly on me. I doubt myself and wonder over and over if it makes me a bad person. This is all because Mum makes me feel like a bad person for saying no. She told everyone in the car going home how selfish I was and no one corrects her.

You said yourself that everyone knows what she is like, they don't correct her because then her nastiness may be directed at them rather than you. Sadly they are enabling her to be awful to you.

have you tried therapy to.unpick her behaviour and your response to.it? Like you say it.is ingrained after so.many years and she is never going to change but you can change your response to her

I have looked into therapy sessions many times. I always have a hard time working out if it's her or me. Am I the difficult one but as someone has already pointed out, everyone in my family knows what she is like. It's also the affordability too.