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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so envious of people in good health?

35 replies

PaddlingLikeADuck · 17/04/2022 21:38

I have a chronic condition which I’ve had from the age of 16, and although I’m 38 now it still plays such a major role in my life. It has always had to factor into any decision I’ve made, I have never had the freedom of my peers to simply enjoy life, especially during my teens years and in my 20’s and I find it so so hard. It’s just always there, lurking in the back ground and reminding me that I can’t be like everyone else.

I would give anything to be healthy I really would.

I have an amazing job, a wonderful husband, two fantastic children and to others my life must seem so perfect, but underneath it all is this feeling of unhappiness because I’ve never known what it’s like to be well and to have the freedom to enjoy my life free of Heath worries like so many other people can.

My health has deteriorated over the last few years which has meant extended sick leave from work, medication changes with horrible side effects - it had a huge impact on various aspects of my life and I’m now on medication for anxiety and do CBT because the fear and dread around my health condition consumes me every day.

I just really hate it.

I imagine there are many, many people on here with chronic conditions who feel the exact same way and understand just how totally shit it is to know you’ve got a condition that has dictated your past and will dictate your future too. Forever.

I just need to vent because I’ve had a really shitty day with it today Sad

OP posts:
HiScore · 17/04/2022 21:45

Heyy, I’m in the same boat. I have a type of arthritis that started in my teens and diagnosed in my 20’s. Although I’m medicated and managing it well, it’s still something I think about daily and had to make big life decisions based on, for example, how many children to have and the kind of work I do. It would be wonderful to not have this depressing extra burden in life!! As you mentioned it’s always lurking in the background 😔

Fishwishy · 17/04/2022 21:46

I feel your pain op. Although my chronic conditions is probably not as bad. People including me take good health for granted until it is no longer there. Then you are constantly thinking how to avoid setting it off and when the pain occured you worry it will be like it forever. It hasn't gotten better in 13 years so likely to be an issue for life now. So learning to appreciate the good days has really helped me.

Dora26 · 17/04/2022 22:00

Hear your pain OP - it’s exhausting. And sometimes I want to knock peoples heads together when I hear them complaining about drivel

ddl1 · 17/04/2022 22:05

Very similar for me.

Mytoddlerisamazing · 17/04/2022 22:13

Not me, but my husband has a chronic health condition that has an enormous impact on his life and our family life. It sucks. And very few people "get it".

lottie222 · 17/04/2022 22:16

Completely understand OP. Been having a bad bad flare recently and sat around the Easter table today thinking what it would be like to not feel like this. Xx

MiniDaffodils · 17/04/2022 22:19

It’s very unfair OP. Feel free to rant as much as you need. I am so sorry to hear your distress, you sound so upset, it must be so hard.
Is there anyone you can sound off to in real life?

grapewines · 17/04/2022 22:20

I totally get it. It's shit. And now I have covid on top. Just marvellous.

Hippoevens · 17/04/2022 22:28

That sounds very difficult 💐 🌺

Bloodybridget · 17/04/2022 22:28

I can imagine - well, probably I can't, but I imagine it must be really hard, and have an enormous impact throughout your life. I was never ill in my life apart from the usual childhood stuff, then diagnosed with cancer three years ago, and of course that has changed things a lot (although I'm very well atm). But it's made me appreciate even more how lucky I was to have all those decades of excellent health.

WhenTheNightFalls · 17/04/2022 22:34

DH has 2 autoimmune conditions and although both well controlled, he does have days where he just lies in bed as is so exhausted.
He also can't run, drink alcohol, eat whatever he wants because of it.
Even when chronic conditions are controlled, they are still very tough to live with. People don't understand especially when the person looks physically well and is able to lead what appears to be a normal life. They don't see behind the scenes.
Wish you the best OP x

user1471530109 · 17/04/2022 22:46

Yes, OP, it is exhausting and consuming.. but I'm sure, like me, you don't have a choice and don't really remember a time before that is wasn't an issue.
It's another layer and my overly complicated life. But it's only one aspect.. it doesn't define me. This is after waking at 3am, alone in the house with a very debilitating hypo, in a pool of sweat. It took a lot to make myself get up and treat it. Thankfully, it happens very rarely. But the daily crap of my condition is at times, overwhelming. I have had many tears over it.

I'd love to be free from it. According to my cunt of an exh, it was a part in the end of our marriage (twat said he didn't want to be my carer to distract from his affair. I had also spent 12 months nursing him after an epic health bump). But it's just a layer of my life. I make an effort (not always successfully) of not letting it get me down. I see my future and don't see my.conditon (naively) and I'm happy to live like that. I know the reality will likely be different.
Flowers to you. It's shit.

andysgirl22 · 17/04/2022 22:58

I just wanted to send love and laughter as i can not send relief to all those struggling and suffering. You are the superheros that do not wear capes (unless of course you wear a cape haha) people do not realise that am everyday task is actually a herculian feat in this situation. Keep going my lovelies xxx

Rupertpenrysmistress · 17/04/2022 22:58

I can understand this to a certain extent. My DH has an auto immune condition and it affects all of us. Of course he takes the brunt of this and I do what I can to support him, as I know he feels like a burden when plans have to be cancelled. When DH is well controlled it is so lovely to forget for a while but, when he is unwell it consumes everything.

I have read a book called full catastrophe living, it is centred around living with life changing conditions, it covers mindfulness and it just really helps to explain how and why people with long term conditions feel as they do, it gives suggestions for living with long term conditions, I found it really help me to understand how it affects my DH.

nellytheelephant1980 · 17/04/2022 23:01

I totally understand. I’m type 1 diabetic with all the complications and have been since I was 3. I get the dread about thinking of growing older as I’m so scared I won’t have that privilege. To make it worse, my little girl was diagnosed with Type 1 a few months ago too.
I have a lovely marriage, a lovely home and career but I’m scared of the future.
Take care, I get it
X

SnowRoses · 17/04/2022 23:05

Have many health conditions
Cant have children because of them
Cant work because of them
Cant get holiday insurance or life insurance because of them
Will die very young because of them
Could give you a hundred other examples

But, There are people much worse off than me

devildeepbluesea · 17/04/2022 23:12

Of course YANBU. I can’t say I know how you feel but as I get older I’m more appreciative of good health.
You sound like you have achieved much, despite your illness. It’s an impressive thing you know. Take time to savour your achievements. It’s probably cold comfort, but your strength is remarkable.

707smile · 17/04/2022 23:27

Thinking of you OP. It's horrible not to be able to just live a normal life and I know how even minor decisions, trips etc. are affected in ways that other people don't even realise.

I have a few chronic conditions and I haven't had a normal life because of them. I'm in my 30s, unmarried, no kids, no career, it's pretty awful. However I'm not living with chronic pain and I won't die from my conditions.

707smile · 17/04/2022 23:28

@SnowRoses

Have many health conditions Cant have children because of them Cant work because of them Cant get holiday insurance or life insurance because of them Will die very young because of them Could give you a hundred other examples

But, There are people much worse off than me

I'm so sorry to hear that SnowRoses, thinking of you.
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 17/04/2022 23:29

But, There are people much worse off than me

Well yes, but it's not a competition.

It may sometimes be helpful to play Pollyanna's Glad Game but ultimately you are in your own situation, and you feel how you feel.

It's entirely reasonable to be pissed off about it, and to be allowed to say that without apology, without anyone reminding you that you're lucky not to be worse off, and without being told that you're an inspiration.

Dundonian · 17/04/2022 23:33

I think good health is often taken for granted. I'm now disabled because of my conditions and trying to explain the effects that the illnesses, and medications, have on you and your life often falls on deaf ears.

Original poster
PaddlingLikeADuck · 18/04/2022 00:00

Thanks everyone for your support. It’s crap we all have to feel like this, or feel the impact of our spouse’s conditions, and I hate it that it’s never going to go away.

For 13 years my condition was controlled and although I led a normalish life my health condition never left me and various aspects of my life were dictated by it.

Three years ago though I lost that control (epilepsy) and my life as I knew it just collapsed around me.

And what is my life like now?

I live with anxiety every day.
Im terrified to leave the house with my children but I’m also terrified of being at home alone with my children.
I’m terrified of being home alone.
I don’t really leave my house anymore unless I have someone with me.

I spend every day scared that I’m going to have a seizure and the impact it will have on my life and my children’s lives.

And even worse, I’m so fed up of putting on a smile for everyone else when all I really want to do is throw and smash things to try and get rid of some of the anger I feel about being lumbered with this shitty condition that controls everything and always will.

When I watch people drink alcohol and just relax and enjoy themselves and be happy, I feel so, so jealous and I just sit and wonder what their lives must be like to be able to open a bottle of wine without even having to think about it.

And I wonder what it must feel like to live a life where you aren’t scared most days and that you can just go about your daily business without even having to concern yourself with anything.

I don’t really tell anyone in real life because nobody gets it. They just give me platitudes like “it could be worse” or “look how far you’ve come” or “there’s no point worrying about things you can’t control” or “but think of all the positive things in your life” etc

I know they’re trying to be kind and although I’m smiling and nodding along, inside I just want to scream and tell them to fucking shut up.

I do have so many positive aspects to my life but that doesn’t mean I still can’t feel shit about having epilepsy.

OP posts:
SnowRoses · 18/04/2022 00:20

@WiseUpJanetWeiss

Who said it was a competition?
Im not saying ‘There are people worse off’

This was my comment about my health, nothing to do with the OP

SnowRoses · 18/04/2022 00:21

@707smile

Thank you

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 18/04/2022 08:29

[quote SnowRoses]@WiseUpJanetWeiss

Who said it was a competition?
Im not saying ‘There are people worse off’

This was my comment about my health, nothing to do with the OP[/quote]
I am sorry, you misunderstood my post.

If it helps you to remind yourself others are worse off then absolutely crack on, whatever works. I just think that some people are only doing they because they have learned it’s not OK to be down about their own situation, and they are having guilt piled on top of everything else by well-meaning relatives.

There’s no hierarchy of suffering.