To be so envious of people in good health?

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

I have a chronic condition which I’ve had from the age of 16, and although I’m 38 now it still plays such a major role in my life. It has always had to factor into any decision I’ve made, I have never had the freedom of my peers to simply enjoy life, especially during my teens years and in my 20’s and I find it so so hard. It’s just always there, lurking in the back ground and reminding me that I can’t be like everyone else.

I would give anything to be healthy I really would.

I have an amazing job, a wonderful husband, two fantastic children and to others my life must seem so perfect, but underneath it all is this feeling of unhappiness because I’ve never known what it’s like to be well and to have the freedom to enjoy my life free of Heath worries like so many other people can.

My health has deteriorated over the last few years which has meant extended sick leave from work, medication changes with horrible side effects - it had a huge impact on various aspects of my life and I’m now on medication for anxiety and do CBT because the fear and dread around my health condition consumes me every day.

I just really hate it.

I imagine there are many, many people on here with chronic conditions who feel the exact same way and understand just how totally shit it is to know you’ve got a condition that has dictated your past and will dictate your future too. Forever.

I just need to vent because I’ve had a really shitty day with it today

I feel your pain. At present my rating, drinking and taking are affected. Social occasions are just an anxiety fest. I struggle with knowing I can’t get better. Ever.i worry how I will cope when I am old.

Eating*

I understand. I feel exactly the same way.

I'm very lucky in many ways, I have a wonderful DP who would do absolutely anything for me, two amazing kids, a secure home, a job I adore. I just wish I had the energy that normal people have, I wish I could walk, I wish every trip everywhere didn't have to be researched to make sure it's wheelchair accessible. It makes me feel like a burden on my family.

I watch people just casually strolling about, climbing stairs like it's nothing, having a picnic on the grass and just...standing up when they need to, and I feel so envious of their freedom.

@PaddlingLikeADuck

Thanks everyone for your support. It’s crap we all have to feel like this, or feel the impact of our spouse’s conditions, and I hate it that it’s never going to go away.

For 13 years my condition was controlled and although I led a normalish life my health condition never left me and various aspects of my life were dictated by it.

Three years ago though I lost that control (epilepsy) and my life as I knew it just collapsed around me.

And what is my life like now?

I live with anxiety every day.
Im terrified to leave the house with my children but I’m also terrified of being at home alone with my children.
I’m terrified of being home alone.
I don’t really leave my house anymore unless I have someone with me.

I spend every day scared that I’m going to have a seizure and the impact it will have on my life and my children’s lives.

And even worse, I’m so fed up of putting on a smile for everyone else when all I really want to do is throw and smash things to try and get rid of some of the anger I feel about being lumbered with this shitty condition that controls everything and always will.

When I watch people drink alcohol and just relax and enjoy themselves and be happy, I feel so, so jealous and I just sit and wonder what their lives must be like to be able to open a bottle of wine without even having to think about it.

And I wonder what it must feel like to live a life where you aren’t scared most days and that you can just go about your daily business without even having to concern yourself with anything.

I don’t really tell anyone in real life because nobody gets it. They just give me platitudes like “it could be worse” or “look how far you’ve come” or “there’s no point worrying about things you can’t control” or “but think of all the positive things in your life” etc

I know they’re trying to be kind and although I’m smiling and nodding along, inside I just want to scream and tell them to fucking shut up.

I do have so many positive aspects to my life but that doesn’t mean I still can’t feel shit about having epilepsy.

That sounds horrendous OP. I'm so sorry for you. It sounds absolutely debilitating and you have every right to feel shit about it.

I understand. I wish I didn't :( i have chronic vestibular migraine that makes me feel spaced out, dizzy and drowsy all the time even when I'm not in pain, plus ulcerative colitis, and crippling anxiety because my head feels so weird all the time. It's been 29 years since I felt even vaguely normal. I had to give up driving, I lost my career and I can't leave the house without my DH. People hear 'migraine' and start suggesting feverfew and triptans. They mean well, but I'm medicated to the eyeballs already and nothing touches the non-pain symptoms. I've given up on ever feeling ok again.

I know what you mean OP. I have EB simplex so these feelings hit me every time the weather improves as I blister loads in warmer weather. Can't imagine what it feels like to go for a stroll on a hot sunny day and not have to worry, take precautions or be at home for several days afterwards to recover.

I also have inflammatory arthritis and a few other delights like EDS.

It's also the mental load of managing treatment, researching activities, planning ahead and taking care. Managing a chronic condition often feels like a full time job!

Yep, although I’m jealous of people with good mental health.
Never had, never will.

I can’t believe there are people out there who like themselves, can study, go to places, have friends/partners/kids, have jobs, own a home, feel good things, drive, have inrests…. List goes on and on….

I don’t think I’ll ever get to know what that is like.

I feel the same. I have 2 chronic issues, which are under control most of the time.

But lately its been infection after infection. Its draining. Affects every part of my life.

I'm very lucky compared to others, but it does get me down.

Oh OP sending you healing thoughts, it really can be hard and feels like a struggle some days.
I used to be really envious of people for their good health that it made me quite bitter.
I did some courses with IAPT including managing chronic pain and health conditions with mindfulness which really helped.
CBT also good as someone with ( appearing to have) good health may suffer with mental health/ struggle with relationships etc. Not that I would wish poor health on anyone, but it made me realise life can be hard for everyone at times.
Also, but this took many years sadly was focusing on what I can do and not being hard on myself. Comparing myself with person A who can work full time/ gym/ family/ social life with no problems was not really helping.
Finally as you get older so many of us sadly get a lot of things wrong with us so it seems a bigger percentage of people who struggle like us. They seem to get a lot more understanding then.

I get it, it’s shit.

I have type 1 diabetes, the unsolicited advice is amazing at times, sometimes worringly from medical professionals. I once had a colleague who had been to elevenerife if you’d been to tenerife. She regularly advised me on how to manage my diabetes, including “just eat less sugar” or my favourite “you should be grateful, you lot are a drain on the NHS”. My all time favourite is the old practice nurse advise me to eat fat free yoghurts, you know those yoghurts that are high in sugar.

Some people genuinely think you just prick your finger a few times a day and then give yourself a little insulin or eat a little chocolate. If only, I play a sport so on game days management is hard and like a military operation. A trip anywhere has to be planned around access to food etc. If I get ill, even just with a cold it hits me much much worse.

Holidays can be really hard work, thats before you consider the cost of insurance.