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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think everybody else is ahead of me

35 replies

Faye891 · 17/04/2022 20:42

I am 33 with 2 kids and a wonderful husband etc. I just can’t stop thinking that I am a failure because I haven’t got very far with a career I just work to pay the bills etc, not on an amazing amount but I would get by without DH at a push. Does anybody else feel this way or is it just me?

Am I being daft? I’ve been feeling really down lately and insecure

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 17/04/2022 22:41

I think everyone thinks this sort of thing from time to time, don’t worry. You’re doing great!

MolliciousIntent · 17/04/2022 22:43

Do you WANT a career? That's the really important question. If you do, then find a way to make that happen. If you don't, don't feel guilty for not meeting arbitrary targets that wouldn't make you happy anyway!

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 18/04/2022 07:31

Please don't judge yourself by other people's standards. That way, misery lies. You sound pretty happy, but if you really want a career or more fulfilling work, you are still young and have plenty of time to achieve this. Don't do it for someone else's opinion though.

MintJulia · 18/04/2022 07:35

I think you're being insecure. It sounds like you're doing pretty well to me.

At your age I had the house and the career, but no dh or dcs. I still don't have a dh and am now so old it's unlikely I ever will but that doesn't stop me being happy. Everyone is different.

Just organise your life according to your needs and wishes. What other people think is completely irrelevant.

JoyLurking9to5 · 18/04/2022 07:38

I think it's a very common feeling.

I got so caught up in wanting to go up a grade at work, but i sometimes wonder why. The extra money after tax, by week or fortnight would be fairly meaningless, it wouldnt change my life.

Wallywobbles · 18/04/2022 07:45

With small kids most of us just do enough to survive. At 40 I became superwoman. At 50 I retrained. If my new career takes off I might actually finally be well paid!

StrongerOrWeaker · 18/04/2022 07:55

Some people will think you are ahead of them for being happily married with 2 children!

Original poster
Faye891 · 18/04/2022 08:35

Some people do have it all though don’t they?

OP posts:
Diditreallylookawful · 18/04/2022 08:48

But you could say that about so many things .. children, money, career etc. And others will look at you and think you have everything. If you compare yourself to others you'll always find yourself wanting. 'That way madness lies' as they say.

Mabelface · 18/04/2022 08:50

I'm a 52 year old divorcee with 4 grown up children. I rent a lovely little house and earn just enough to live on. I don't have a career as such.

I've achieved a lot in my life time. I may not have my own place, I don't and won't drive. Ultimately, it depends on how you measure success. I'm here, I'm relatively solvent and my kids are doing well.

ZenNudist · 18/04/2022 08:53

Just ficus on you. 33 is young enough for a career change. We all know people who did it much older. Don't focus on "cant" focus on what you can do. What do you want to do? Work that out and go for it. There is still time for education options to start in September if you want. The open university is very good. Talk to people and recruiters in your chosen career. Find out what you need to do to make yourself employable.

Also if you haven't decided I can recommend a career in accountancy. It's a well paid job that goes well with family life but you do need to be numerate, literate and hard working.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 18/04/2022 08:55

No one has it all together. But I'm 34 and 3 years into an OU degree after having the same feelings as you. I couldn't recommend it enough.

CrapColdCoffee · 18/04/2022 09:06

Depends how you look at it I suppose. I'm a 35yo SAHM with 2 kids and no career to go back to... at least you have a job Grin!
Hopefully it's not a permanent situation for either of us.

Botanica · 18/04/2022 09:14

You're kidding yourself thinking the grass is always greener by telling yourself that people have it all. You're not seeing the immense compromises that come with trying to balance a high flying super earning career with a family, especially in the younger years.

Start by appreciating what you do have, then make an achievable plan to go after the things that really matter to you, not just those goals and milestones you think you should have achieved because you see others chasing them.

We are all different and we all have our own timelines.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 18/04/2022 09:20

I sometimes feel a bit the same. I have a good job, but I wouldn't call it a career. I don't know what I want though, I flit between wanting to be CEO of a massive company and never working again, wanting loads of spare cash to being content with enough for a holiday a year.

Dp now earns quite a bit more than me, just through circumstance although he does work hard. It makes me feel conflicted.

I don't necessarily feel this way because of others though, and I know from the outside I probably look like I have it all. I don't feel that way on the inside though.

Thestoppedfan · 18/04/2022 09:34

I’m 31 and have a good job. I’m trying for children now but look enviously at the people that are my age and have a little family already. It’s very hard to have it all.

Comtesse · 18/04/2022 09:43

Many people would say that you are winning with a job AND a husband AND two children. Comparison is the thief of joy. Who are you comparing yourself to that makes you feel lesser?

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 18/04/2022 09:47

Just wanted to emphasise that 33 is most definitely not too late. I used to have a mind numbing dead end job then at 35 put a toe into a much more interesting water (horrible metaphor, sorry!) and retired much better off financially and intellectually than if I’d stayed in the dead end job, GO FOR IT if that’s what you want,

sst1234 · 18/04/2022 09:51

OP, what career do you want? What do you do currently? Do you have any experience or qualifications for the career you want? Did you take time out to look after kids? How old are they now?

Neolara · 18/04/2022 09:53

I didn't meet my DH until I was 33. You are well ahead of where I was at your age.

I think you may have a case of the "grass is greener".

YellowPlant · 18/04/2022 10:12

@Comtesse

Many people would say that you are winning with a job AND a husband AND two children. Comparison is the thief of joy. Who are you comparing yourself to that makes you feel lesser?
This!
Camomila · 18/04/2022 10:20

I feel the same sometimes too - my "everyone's ahead of me" is the lack of a house as opposed to a career though.

I think it's a pretty normal feeling to have, at least a career is probably easier to get than a house. What always helps me get out of a funk though is going for a walk through the park, it's hard to feel to despondent with the sun on your face and the squirrels jumping about.
Basically my advice is to work towards getting the thing you want (career/house etc) while remembering to do little things that make you happy in the now.

Weewillywinkle · 18/04/2022 10:26

@Faye891

Some people do have it all though don’t they?

Who has it all?

I've achieved more than I could dream of in my career, married with children, love the house/area I live in. My job is in theory my dream job, but the current situation is sucking the life out of me and it's so poorly staffed and stressful leaving little energy for me outside of work. Unfortunately most jobs seem to demand a high level of commitment which doesn't work well with family life.

'Having it All' means doing it all. Unless you are rich enough to buy in help, or have a very supportive family who help out with children.

MolliciousIntent · 18/04/2022 10:59

@Faye891

Some people do have it all though don’t they?
If you mean a career, kids, a good marriage and a nice home, yes lots of people have it all. It's not that hard. If it's something you want, make it happen.
Cluelessasacucumber · 18/04/2022 11:29

I think this kind of thinking is normal sometimes, especially if you are unhappy with an element of your own life - it's easy to measure others by your perceived deficits. I used to indulge in this a lot until a kind (but blunt!) friend told me I was being needy and boring!

If you are unhappy with some aspect of your life, focus on changing that. Stop dwelling on what others do or dont have, no ones life is ever "perfect". I think it's also worth noting (and I mean this kindly) that when you become a parent you surround yourself with other parents and measure yourself against them - which is perfectly fine, but I think there is a risk that you become a bit myopic to the fact there is a whole range of other lives and lifestyles out there.

I'm the same age as you so I came back to this thread after doing a bit of a mental inventory of my closest friends. I realised that while I am envious of some aspects of of their lives, I definitely wouldnt want to be any of them completely! We all have our own struggles. For illustration here's a round up:

Me: married, desirable career that I love but mediocre pay, no kids atm (both choice and circumstance, I will be happy with either path), renting. The fact that we dont own a house really bothers me but I'm doing everything in my power to change it.
Friend 1: married, 3 kids, sahp, home owner, lives a very frugal life, sometimes takes "little jobs" for extra money. Shes very good at being content but has voiced frustration at lack of money.
Friend 2: single, rents in house share but could buy, good career. Really wants marriage and kids.
Friend 3: no kids, newly divorced, home owner, just took massive pay cut to change career. Shes shaking up her life to go for what she wants.
Friend 4: married, 2 kids, sahp, home owner, high earning partner. She has a "hobby buisness" that doesnt really earn (her words not mine), she sometimes feels a bit down about lack of real career but appreciates shes lucky.
Friend 5: serious relationship, no kids, high earning desirable creative career, has never moved out of parents house. Now looking to buy with partner.
Friend 6: married, 2 kids, home owner, part time career. Loves job and wants to stay in sector but is always stressed out and torn between job and parenting.

Not sure if that's at all helpful, but it certainly puts things in perspective for me. We're all just living our own lives.