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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think everybody else is ahead of me

35 replies

Faye891 · 17/04/2022 20:42

I am 33 with 2 kids and a wonderful husband etc. I just can’t stop thinking that I am a failure because I haven’t got very far with a career I just work to pay the bills etc, not on an amazing amount but I would get by without DH at a push. Does anybody else feel this way or is it just me?

Am I being daft? I’ve been feeling really down lately and insecure

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/04/2022 11:45

Some people do have it all though don’t they?

This is a phrase to bridle at, particularly as almost 100% of the time it's only used in the context of women. The expectation of having a career and a family is basic. It really isn't asking too much, even though women are frequently lambasted as 'selfish' or even ballbreaking shrews for entertaining that expectation. We are not asking for anything that men haven't always taken completely for granted.

Sometimes problems occur because people encourage learned helplessness in their partners, shrug wryly that they don't know how to operate a washing machine, and fall into the trap of taking on all the domestic labour themselves. Raising children is a two-person job. My husband and I manage it perfectly well, without outside family help. Housework - laundry and cooking - are shared. We do employ cleaners and gardeners, but not nannies.

IMO, too many women are too keen on justifying their own personal work/home life decisions to strangers, then taking the fact that others have made different decisions as a personal affront. Before this is seen as misogyny - who, after all, sees men behaving like this? - it's because for men this has simply never been a consideration. That's what makes my teeth grind, not the fact that some women want to stay at home whilst others work.

This is about what you want, OP. If you want a career, the onus is on you to make that happen. What others choose to do is irrelevant.

Good luck whatever you decide.

WimpoleHat · 18/04/2022 11:49

IMO, too many women are too keen on justifying their own personal work/home life decisions to strangers, then taking the fact that others have made different decisions as a personal affront.

Very well said.

bellebeautifu1 · 18/04/2022 12:01

I do get where you are coming from OP. I technically could of pursued a career with my degree but never had the desire too. Then we spent a decade in a small town due to DH's work which meant I never had the opportunity, we moved to a city when DD was young, by that point I was 40 with a young child and then I could not be arsed. That was nearly 20 years ago.

Basically I was in the same position as you (minus one child and I am 20 years down the line). DH and I earnt enough to pay the bills and a bit extra. A decade ago I floated the idea of trying to get further up the ladder as my DD hit her teens, however the other circumstances happened. DD is early 20s now and I cannot say I have any regrets, I have worked with some great people over the years and my job has been stimulating enough to give me satisfaction. The extra money would have been nice but then it would have brought extra stress.

declutteringmymind · 18/04/2022 12:48

Honestly, practise gratitude. You are healthy, have a roof over your head and food on the table. Enjoy what you have. You'll regret it later. Find happiness in the little things. We are doing well but most of my happiness is found on a facetime to my mum, a coffee listening to the birds before the kids get up and watching Netflix with my DH. Don't take these things for granted.

Faye891 · 18/04/2022 21:10

Yes it is the little things isn’t, I think I just want to feel that I have achieved something

OP posts:
Momijin · 18/04/2022 21:16

It's this bloody society making us feel like we have to have a high flying career, a show home, be baking with the kids and be an amazing mum, have super clean house otherwise we are failing. The truth is that it is impossible and therefore we feel inadequate.

whirlygaily · 18/04/2022 21:23

I feel like I've had it all, just not all at the same time! I'm mid forties and right now I have the career, lovely home, dcs, am well travelled but am divorced and don't get to see my family or close friends as much as I'd like due to distance.

I would also like my size 10 figure back.

Faye891 · 18/04/2022 21:28

Ahhhh…so you can have it all..just not all at once?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 18/04/2022 21:29

@Faye891

Some people do have it all though don’t they?
Do they really?
Faye891 · 18/04/2022 21:32

@ZenNudist how numerate? I’m very literate…got a C in GCSE maths though ha!!

OP posts:
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