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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know IABU. How do I get past this feeling

51 replies

Izzwizzo · 17/04/2022 20:21

Apologies it's a long one with much back story but I need some wise Mumsnet advice so I'm taking the plunge in AIBU even though I know I am being fully unreasonable!

My DH have had a tough few years. Infertility problems, multiple rounds of IVF. Multiple losses until we finally welcomed our DD in 2019. She was very premature and spent a long time in NICU but is absolutely fine now and we adore her.

Since she has been born we have also moved 4 times in 2 and a half years for my DH's work and several relocations due to this. However last autumn we finally sold our hugely impractical for a toddler house and have bought a new place which we absolutely love. It suits us perfectly and our DD is thriving here. It feels like after so many stressful years we are all happy and settled.

During this time DH has also gone low contact with his DM. They have had issues in the past but she was particularly unpleasant to me during my pregnancy and really upset him when DD was born/a baby (have posted about this before and got great advice then). Although he is LC we are all cordial and do meet up a couple of times a year or pre-covid when there was a big family gathering. To date all seems fine and when we do meet up we are polite and friendly and everyone seems to get along. I've made my peace with how she behaved and although I wouldn't choose to go on holiday etc with her we all get on fine when we do meet up.

So onto this weekend. We were all due to meet up for an Easter gathering. Last week it was cancelled as it appears that MIL has fallen out with both DH's Brother and Sister, (MIL's two other DC) and their families so they have both decided to go temporarily NC with her. I don't know the details of either falling out, I just know that it was for different reasons and the reasons were sufficient enough for DH's siblings to decide that they cannot meet up with MIL and do not want to do so for the near future.

None of this would affect me but MIL phoned DH last week (coincidentally) to tell him that she has now decided to spend more time with us and that we are to give her dates when we are free so she can come and see our new house and stay with us for a weekend.

This is where IABU. My reaction to this was No, Nope, Not Happening. I do not want her in this house. Ever. It felt absolutely primal and I cannot understand my reaction or be rational about it. It's definitely not the house. We have had people visit and stay and I've been really happy to see them. It's definitely not having MIL to stay. She's stayed in all of our previous houses and I've not had an issue with it and it's not about not wanting to see her. I wouldn't be ecstatic about seeing her but I'd quite happily go for a day out if planned.

So what is it wise Mumsnetters and how do I get past this? My poor DH who has happily welcomed and hosted my family and all of his other family in this house (siblings and their families plus FIL and Step MIL) is now trying to get me to agree to dates because he has no reason to be anything but happy that she's finally initiated some contact and whilst my head is saying just agree, I open my mouth and Nope Never comes out. I know IABU so what can I do?

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 17/04/2022 20:27

YANBU your home is your place of absolutely security and tranquility, your feelings will be a protective urge.

I’d get DH to tell her she’s welcome to stay in a hotel/b&b nearby and you’ll meet up during the days but that staying with you is not going to work for you.

Was the upset ever acknowledged/ apologised for it just swept under the carpet? If she has not apologised or taken ownership of the hurt she caused I’d be even less accommodating and willing to host.

FairyPolkadot · 17/04/2022 20:32

YANBU and I can relate. It always worked better for us if my exILs stayed in a nearby B&B. I think your reaction is understandable. You don’t wish any of her negativity to enter your lovely new house and life.

NeverSayNeverAgainMaybe · 17/04/2022 20:33

Yanbu

Eslteacher06 · 17/04/2022 20:36

I haven't had my mil in my house for nearly two years. Mainly now because we've made changes and I don't want to critize it or make comments.

She has tried her level best to come over, even look through the window when were not there (she told us this) lol, but nope.

Her staying with you is more than a day out. You are giving up your personal space. You have every right to say no. I'm amazed your husband has put you in this position to be honest.

Original poster

Izzwizzo · 17/04/2022 20:38

Thank you for your responses. It's helping me to feel less bonkers! The problem is she doesn't live far enough away to need a B&B or hotel. She wants to come and stay so she can be hosted here for a weekend (her words not mine). She lives about 30 mins drive away so a day trip is easily achievable. But I just can't get past not wanting her here, it makes me feel so panicked and like I want to lock all the doors and hide 🙈

OP posts:

Eslteacher06 · 17/04/2022 20:39

Btw I went Low to No contact with her because I couldn't deal with her comments anymore and it was always stressful for my husband. I'm far happier now not being around her and her comments. DH goes to see her with the kids and I get a break. Best of both worlds lol

Eslteacher06 · 17/04/2022 20:41

Your husband needs to deal with this. He should respect your wishes. And you have every right to not want her over.

Would you put him in this position if the tables were turned?

cansu · 17/04/2022 20:47

It is your husband's mother. This comes under the category of 'get over it'. If your husband wants to host his mum, I don't think you get to veto it just because you dislike her and love your house. You have hosted her before, you are amicable and see her at family gatherings. You may not like her but that is frankly tough shit.

Original poster

Izzwizzo · 17/04/2022 20:48

@Eslteacher06

Your husband needs to deal with this. He should respect your wishes. And you have every right to not want her over.

Would you put him in this position if the tables were turned?

This is the thing, I just don't know. My DH gets on well with both my family and the rest of his family so we've never had to consider whether or not they'd be welcome. Another poster asked if she'd ever apologised for her behaviour and she hasn't, she was confronted with her behaviour by my DH and made excuses but then stopped with the nastiness. She's never shown any interest in our DD though and my DH thinks that if she comes to stay for a weekend they might finally bond (they won't as she won't interact or even speak directly to DD although she does say positive things about her when we are together) but he feels like she's extending an olive branch and we should accept it. The cynic in me thinks that she's realised that we might be the last game in town now she's fallen out with the other DC

OP posts:

cansu · 17/04/2022 20:50

plus all this bullshit about 'protective urges' and 'place of sanctuary' is utter rubbish. If I was your husband, I would be very annoyed that you are causing such a massive fuss about hosting his mother for a couple of days. The cause of the offense is in the past and it is ridiculous to use this as an excuse.

Original poster

Izzwizzo · 17/04/2022 20:52

@cansu

I know. I do need to get over it. I just don't know how to. I want to be rational about it and come up with some coping strategies but logic has deserted me.

OP posts:

Whatsmyname100 · 17/04/2022 20:54

I would throw it back in his face that her own kids want nothing to do with her, why should she? She sounds absolutely toxic. You don't have to get over it just because she is his mother. Mother can be very toxic too.

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2022 20:55

Offer to pick her up and drop her back home again.

RewildingAmbridge · 17/04/2022 20:57

It's so sad your husband is happy with the crumbs of her affection, she's only making plans with him now because the other two have gone NC. I wouldn't want her in my home either OP

JustLyra · 17/04/2022 20:58

You need to speak to your husband honestly and openly about how you both feel and see if you can find a compromise you can both be happy with.

Before he starts bending over backwards to accommodate her he needs to seriously consider what will happen if she makes up with his siblings - how will he feel if he and/or your DD are dropped when that happens?

He also needs to have a realistic think about the benefits to your DD to build more of a relationship with someone that is so problematic that she has been NC’d or LC’d by all of her children at various points…

SScoobiedoo · 17/04/2022 20:59

Well she's fallen out with her other children so now deigns to visit you.

I would do a day visit first - if this is unpleasant or uncomfortable or upsetting stick to only doing that, no stayovers, but I don't see you deserve her any favours - she sounds awful. Don't be coerced by guilt or anyone else in doing what they feel you should do - what the hell is wrong with doing what YOU want to do. they can just F off

Original poster

Izzwizzo · 17/04/2022 21:20

@JustLyra

You need to speak to your husband honestly and openly about how you both feel and see if you can find a compromise you can both be happy with.

We've talked about it and whilst he would never ask me to host her if I'm really uncomfortable he can't accept the idea that she will never be welcome here and I can't understand why I feel this way. It's not as if I'm worried that she'll overstep boundaries (she absolutely will, has done in every other place). It's just my feeling that we are finally happy and settled and I can't see her here.

I'm absolutely sure at some point she will make it up with her other DC. She's done some terrible things in the past long before I met DH and they've managed to get past it. I just need to find a way to make my peace with it. Right now now idea how

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 17/04/2022 21:42

Erm you shouldn’t get past it. She sounds like a bloody nightmare and increasing contact will no doubt end badly. By being hosted for the weekend she no doubt means having you wait on her hand and foot whilst she engages in various other CF behaviour. What do you get out of this? It’s not fair to compare it to your family as they were not horrible to you in the past and I would take a guess are not CFs who expect “hosting” when they come. I would tell your DH to go and stay with her on his own, maybe you could agree to meet her for lunches/ walks a bit more often but no way would I be hosting her for a weekend. Plus it very much sounds like she is using you to get at the other relatives who are now NC with her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2022 21:50

So she won't talk to your DD and will overstep boundaries?

I'm sorry but she sounds toxic and it's rational to not want a toxic person in your house.

Bunnybingesoneggs · 17/04/2022 21:51

Tell your dh he is free to maintain a relationship with his dm of course but not at your mh's expense - so not under your roof..
There are reasons the other dc's have dumped her.
He needs to face facts.
We are nc with my mil. She has never been to our home. Been nc for over 7 years. Dh knows should he wish to reconnect that isn't my business but our dc won't be party to any of it..

JustLyra · 17/04/2022 22:04

You don’t want your happy home associated with bad memories - that’s not a odd thing to not want imo.

Could a compromise be reached whereby you agree that you’ll not block any extra contact, but that until you’re comfortable that it’s because she wants it, not just as a fall back, it’s not at your home, but then you will consider it.

So both compromising? Not saying never, but also not just allowing yourselves and your home to be used by her because it’s convenient?

JustLyra · 17/04/2022 22:05

(The chances of her doing that successfully are minuscule, but at least your husband will have the feeling that the opportunity was given and you gave it more than fair chances)

Greensleeves · 17/04/2022 22:10

"No" is a perfectly reasonable response here, OP.

You've been extremely generous so far in looking past her atrocious behaviour for the sake of family harmony, but you must have boundaries with someone like this - it's essential for your own and your daughter's wellbeing. Your DH has spent a childhood and a lifetime being conditioned to put up with her crap, so it's not surprising that his boundaries are more porous, but that makes it all the more important that you set yours firmly and stick to them.

I would refuse to have her in the house, personally. My home is my space and my children's space, it's safe and it's staying that way. In our case it's my mother we are NC with, for very good reasons. If I were to waver and decide I wanted to see her again, my DH would point blank refuse to have her in our home or near our children, and he would be absolutely right. Listen to your instincts and don't weaken - the answer is no!

SisterRuth · 17/04/2022 22:33

I've had a similar visceral reaction when a horrible sister (whom I later excommunicated from my life!) wanted to visit my new, calm, lovely, just sorted flat in London. It sounds so woo but I didn't want her horribleness contaminating my new place! This huge, surprising (over?)reaction was one of the things that made me realise I had to get her out of my life. Sorry this isn't much help but at least I completely understand your feelings. I never did let her come to my lovely flat.

LouiseTrees · 17/04/2022 22:51

I like Lyra’s idea but if you do get swayed to have her at your home at some point then why are you hosting her and not him? I would definitely say if he wants her there he does all cooking, cleaning etc. That way he needs to decide if she’s worth the effort.

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