I know IABU. How do I get past this feeling

[Izzwizzo]

Apologies it's a long one with much back story but I need some wise Mumsnet advice so I'm taking the plunge in AIBU even though I know I am being fully unreasonable!

My DH have had a tough few years. Infertility problems, multiple rounds of IVF. Multiple losses until we finally welcomed our DD in 2019. She was very premature and spent a long time in NICU but is absolutely fine now and we adore her.

Since she has been born we have also moved 4 times in 2 and a half years for my DH's work and several relocations due to this. However last autumn we finally sold our hugely impractical for a toddler house and have bought a new place which we absolutely love. It suits us perfectly and our DD is thriving here. It feels like after so many stressful years we are all happy and settled.

During this time DH has also gone low contact with his DM. They have had issues in the past but she was particularly unpleasant to me during my pregnancy and really upset him when DD was born/a baby (have posted about this before and got great advice then). Although he is LC we are all cordial and do meet up a couple of times a year or pre-covid when there was a big family gathering. To date all seems fine and when we do meet up we are polite and friendly and everyone seems to get along. I've made my peace with how she behaved and although I wouldn't choose to go on holiday etc with her we all get on fine when we do meet up.

So onto this weekend. We were all due to meet up for an Easter gathering. Last week it was cancelled as it appears that MIL has fallen out with both DH's Brother and Sister, (MIL's two other DC) and their families so they have both decided to go temporarily NC with her. I don't know the details of either falling out, I just know that it was for different reasons and the reasons were sufficient enough for DH's siblings to decide that they cannot meet up with MIL and do not want to do so for the near future.

None of this would affect me but MIL phoned DH last week (coincidentally) to tell him that she has now decided to spend more time with us and that we are to give her dates when we are free so she can come and see our new house and stay with us for a weekend.

This is where IABU. My reaction to this was No, Nope, Not Happening. I do not want her in this house. Ever. It felt absolutely primal and I cannot understand my reaction or be rational about it. It's definitely not the house. We have had people visit and stay and I've been really happy to see them. It's definitely not having MIL to stay. She's stayed in all of our previous houses and I've not had an issue with it and it's not about not wanting to see her. I wouldn't be ecstatic about seeing her but I'd quite happily go for a day out if planned.

So what is it wise Mumsnetters and how do I get past this? My poor DH who has happily welcomed and hosted my family and all of his other family in this house (siblings and their families plus FIL and Step MIL) is now trying to get me to agree to dates because he has no reason to be anything but happy that she's finally initiated some contact and whilst my head is saying just agree, I open my mouth and Nope Never comes out. I know IABU so what can I do?

I think you need to get past this. She is your husband’s mother.

Imagine if your son;s future wife banned you from his house

@cansu

It is your husband's mother. This comes under the category of 'get over it'. If your husband wants to host his mum, I don't think you get to veto it just because you dislike her and love your house. You have hosted her before, you are amicable and see her at family gatherings. You may not like her but that is frankly tough shit.

I’d say ignore this post and their subsequent one.

Could you be semi honest and say, you'd love to meet up but you're not feeling up to hosting at the moment. Say you're feeling a bit out of sorts and would like to keep your own space.

Let him do "the hosting" and disengage /step away from it.
He can make and change beds, meal plan and arrange the activities for her. You "be busy" elsewhere with DD for the bulk of the time.

It's hard to say without the backstory.

What did she do when you were pregnant etc?

It sounds like she's caused a lot of stress and disruption in your life, particularly in your time as a mother.

I can understand why you don't want to host her. It's like being asked to pat a dog that bit you.

She was really rude to you when you were pregnant (and so vulnerable) and now that her other children have given her the cold shoulder she’s decided she wants to be hosted by you and so has told you to provide her with dates when she can come?

I mean, she’s your DH’s mum, but that has family disaster written all over it.

I don’t know how you get over what you’re feeling because what you’ve said about her suggests that your feelings are a reasonable response to the situation. I’m generally a believer in compartmentalizing and sucking it up for a couple of days, but I’m not sure that would work. I’m guessing your MIL is going to prod at you like a wobbly tooth. And you have a child to think of now so that’s is potentially a disaster you can’t just brush off.

As a plaster on a broken leg type of fix - Could you suggest some days when you’re away (or can go away)?

But really, I think you should consider counseling for DH. That he is pleased that his DM is turning her focus onto him now that his other children aren’t entertaining her is a big red flag with the words “FAMILY DYSFUNCTION” stamped on it.

• now that her other children

As a compromise could you suggest that you all go away for a weekend somewhere ?
You can do a child friendly day out where you focus on dd. Stay overnight (which means you stay in your room to look after and dh can go out for dinner with his mum)

The brunch or something the next day and home.

It sounds like your husband has a fantasy of how things will be. That she'll start to be a good mother/grandmother which will make up for the things she's done in the past. But she's already not showing interest in your child now.

The fact all of her children feel the need to go low or no contact with her shows that her relationships with them are unhealthy.
I can see why you wouldn't want her in your home when she's overstepping your boundaries.
She has suddenly decided that she'll spend more time with your family because 2 of her kids don't want anything to do with her right now. This doesn't mean that you have to.

I think you do need to take notice of your reaction and not to ignore it. Is there a compromise you can come to?
Maybe having her come to stay will show your husband that the fantasy he has isn't going to come true.

It's sad really because he's obviously had a hard time with her in the past, and children, even when they're grown up can still fantasise about their parents suddenly being 'good' and treating them and their children better.

Just say you need time, you aren't ready to go full long visit. That it needs to be built up slowly.

Point out to him that she's overstepping without even having arrived, by inviting herself to stay over rather than coming for a visit.

Thanks all for your comments. I've tried suggesting a day out or going to visit but it's not DH or us that MIL wants to actually see if that makes sense. From her perspective she would probably say that we've had others to stay so it's her turn to be hosted here. No other compromise would be acceptable to her. DH has suggested other compromises but she is insistent on staying for a whole weekend.

I would refuse too. In any case why would you host someone for a weekend when they live so close?

Oh goodness she sounds a nightmare.
This is your home, settled as a family and untainted by memories of a nasty person.

It is sad that your dh feels that she's going to change and offer some sort of olive branch when in truth it's because she has no one else.

Probably his whole childhood he's been trying to fight for her attention but being a nasty woman she offers crumbs. Which would make sense if he thinks this is it, she's going to change. (She won't - you'll be dropped just as quick when she falls back in with one of the others)

I disagree with the pp who says you have to suck it up as it's your Mil - no you don't. This is your home too and you don't have to lower your expectations of a happy, safe home/zone for your family by allowing someone to enter it and bring you down.

I'd tell your husband you're really not ready for this and perhaps you should all spend more time in a neutral location, where you can just leave if uncomfortable or unhappy and see how that goes. She should be told that you need to spend some time together before committing to a whole weekend.

I have a nasty mil who I have very low contact with her and she lives 5 minutes away. I certainly couldn't do it. Mines is 80 and vulnerable with declining health issues- dreading the day I'm asked to give more

The fact that any meeting-up suggestion other than the MILs is not acceptable to her says it all.

She wants a relationship with you but it HAS to be ALL on her terms or not at all.

That's not how positive, functional relationships work.

Stand firm and say you're happy to meet her at X,Y,Z but won't be hosting and if she's not prepared to meet you anywhere else then simply don't meet; that's her decision, not yours.

I 100% understand the feeling of your home being your safe space and certain people violating that. It may seem illogical to some and "just a house" but when you've been treated badly and then that bad person wants to come to the place where you've taken time to heal your wounds, your primary instincts kick in and you reject that notion as it would make the safe feel unsafe.

Urggg all the 'it's his Motherr! You need to suck up all her behaviour and do what she wants!'
No, you don't. She is not behaving like a mother to him. And like pp have said, it not you or dc she wants to see, it's the house and to be hosted.
I wonder if you offered to 'host her' at a holiday cottage for a weekend would she want that?...

Absolutely not saying you should taken her on a holiday of course!!

Your gut is telling you everything you need to know about this.

Your house. Your HOME. Your boundaries. She is not welcome there and your reaction was visceral. Do not let her into your house. Set the boundary now.

She has upset you and your DH before and she will do it again. People don't go LC/NC for no reason.

Find time to talk this through with DH in a non-confrontational way. It sounds like you are a good team together, so hopefully he will realise the importance of boundary setting with vexatious people (like his mum).

@Izzwizzo

Thanks all for your comments. I've tried suggesting a day out or going to visit but it's not DH or us that MIL wants to actually see if that makes sense. From her perspective she would probably say that we've had others to stay so it's her turn to be hosted here. No other compromise would be acceptable to her. DH has suggested other compromises but she is insistent on staying for a whole weekend.

She’s definitely playing a control game there then.

If she was interested in building a better relationship she’d accept the suggestions.

Does your DH see that or is he still lost in FOG?

JustLyra I would say he dips in and out of FOG. He felt a lot happier when he was properly LC but as time has gone on I think he is hopeful of a better relationship with her. But I'm not sure that she will change, the relationship will always be on her terms and if he challenges that again then she will upset him again. I'm not sure that he can see that

I think delaying tactics may be your friend here. You could try the 'not just yet', 'ask me next month', 'we're so busy at the moment' route. She may well escalate to the point it's obvious she can't be allowed to come.

Alternatively could you go away for the weekend (make something up if you need to) and just not be there? It’s his house too, he should be able to invite his mother, but you don’t need to participate?

She sounds like a very difficult person. You've had a very stressful time, you're just now feeling calmer and a person who brings you anxiety announces that they're coming. So your system goes 'nope, not again, I can't take anymore! I haven'tfully recovered yet!'

Is there a compromise? Could you not be free for a bit and maybe have a bit of 'you time', either with or without DH to help build yourself back up before she visits?

I'd also recommend (if you're not already) doing some regular relaxation to settle your nervous system back down after a very intense period.

As someone currently hosting my self invited MIL for a full week I was going to say suck it up and stop being so difficult. But seeing that she is only 30 mins away and day trips would be easily achievable, I have come round to your point of view. I cant imagine staying the night in someone's house when my own is only 30 mins away.

Now please tell me how I get through the next 4 days? I am only 3 days in to my MILs visit and I am hiding in my bedroom for some respite!

Normal people don't 'insist on staying for a whole weekend'. That's just weird and controlling.

I also agree your DH is risking being hurt by opening up to wanting her attention. The reasons he went LC before are unlikely to go away.

I think I would try and persuade your DH to go with the 'not quite yet' approach. Agree to think about it it again in 6 months if she is still behaving herself. That also gives you both a bit of control back (I would be really unhappy about her insistence).

It also sounds like she expects to be waited on when she come?

I think you're instinctively protecting both your DH and your DD from someone who you know will eventually abuse them.

The very fact that she's insisting on anything at all demonstrates that you are right. If she really wanted to see any of you or make amends, she would be grateful for anything. Can you explain to DH that this isn't an olive branch, as he hopes, but a renewed attack (because she has lost two of her usual targets)?