When did you realise you were a grown up?

[elliotssong]

I'm 30 and was talking to my friend today about at what point we felt grown up was. For me, it was wanting to stay at home with my kids than going out and suddenly realising that all the people I used to party with when I was a teenager/in my early twenties, who we thought would be friends forever, are not preoccupied with their own children/partners and actively turn down nights to spend time with them.

It crazy that just 6-8 years ago nothing would keep them in and now we are all quite content at home. Does something happen in the brain to cause this? Or is it literally just growing up?

Another thing, years ago I'd have a bottle of wine and be ready to go out for the night. Now I have a bottle of wine and am ready for dinner/sleep.

When my exdh left me with a young child. I was a grown up at 35.

Not when i got a mortgage.
Not when i got married.
Not when i had my beautiful first 3 DCs.

These things were all in my 20s.

I grew up in my late 30s when:

My father died.
I left my XH.
I lost a baby.

This is when i learned properly that i wasn't special and life could be shit and v hard.

When I pushed a child out my "front bottom" I realised that I needed to try to be a "grown up" from now on whether I was ready or not, whether I wanted to or not.

When I was 16. I had to stop going to college and working part time so I could give my mum enough board to help pay the rent and bills after my dad left. I felt very grown up and also felt the weight of the responsibility.

My Mum is the youngest of 3 sisters. When her oldest sister died I took charge, cancelled my things that day (which let a friend down), and insisted she got in the car with me for the 2.5 hour drive to be with her other sister and nephew. She didn’t want to. She thanked me later. That was when I discovered that I was the Mum

I lost my first parent at 13, saw a friend die at 14, lost my first child at 20, became a mother and had a mortgage at 21, my first court summons at 22, lost my second parent at 24.

I’d say the times I felt the most grown up were the time I had to be the one to tell to my grandparents that their daughter was dead.

The time I had to swear the executor oath for probate.

The first time I flew to another country totally on my own (had previous flown with my 2DC which you’d think would make me feel more grown up, but no, alone was the clincher)

The day I paid off my mortgage.

Posted and then read the thread.

It's a death isn't it, quite often, that forces us to grow up.

Facing it and/or being involved with the aftermath and arrangements. It's the one thing there's no escape from mentally or physically, no matter what your life has been like until that point.

When I got my first phone contract. I already had a 3 year old child by this point... Marriage, another 2 children later, mortgage, car, 'grown up' job and I still don't feel like a proper adult... Imposter syndrome all the way!

The day I started needing to look after my parents instead of them looking after me.

My DDad was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 25. He had until that point been my "adult". He made phone calls for me, he sorted my car out for me, he basically dealt with any problem I had. The day I knew he was so very unwell he wouldn't make it was the day I grew up.

My DDad died 2 years after that diagnosis, having been bedbound for roughly a year. My DM lived another 9 years until she too passed away from cancer. However that day when I was 25 was the day the dynamic changed. I became the grown up handling everything. It's one of my most vivid memories.

When I was 32 my Dad died. I felt like I had to be an adult and help Mum get through it. Dad always made me feel protected and safe. Guess he made Mum feel the same.

I remember going for afternoon tea with a friend and joking about this very thing. I said something like 'I have two kids and still don't feel like a grown up, goodness knows what it will take!'.

A week later, my kids' dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour (suddenly), and I became an adult. That was years ago now, but it changed me forever.

I was walking through the West End recently, and I saw a really nice mews house, tucked away like a secret. And, quite without thinking, I said to myself, "When I grow up, I'm going to live there."

I'm 63.

I was 28 and realised that I was actively fancying (as in, not just thinking he'd have been lovely when he was younger) a man in his forties.

Also, I realised that at several points in my life I'd thought "that time I thought I was grown up I wasn't really, but I am now"

32. The day the midwife’s let me take my son home and I felt the weight of responsibility and DH and I hadn’t a clue what we were doing

When I had to tell my mum.and my siblings that Dad had died.

For the first time I really felt I was an adult.

Our DS was very unwell when he was born and spent several weeks in NICU and has a long term health condition. When we first had the news DH wanted to talk to his DM. Now we tell our DPs after we’ve had a hospital admission or something as we don’t want to have to manage DPs as well as ourselves. Us protecting them rather than relying on them was a real moment of realising.

Also, sometimes I’ll choose a glass of wine rather than a dessert at a restaurant! Remember seeing adults doing this as a child and thinking it was madness!

I’m 35 and really don’t feel like a grown up even though objectively I know that I am.

I'm still waiting to feel like a grown-up, and I'm 54. Straight up.
Not having DC has something to do with it, I think, but at my age it's not the pleasantest of feelings. I often think people in their 30s and 40s are more mature than me.

Two things spring to mind.

The first was when I was early 20s and went to a laser quest with friends - some teenagers moaned that the "grown-ups" were winning and it wasn't fair - I wondered who they were talking about & then was quite shocked to realise they meant us.

The second was when I caught myself watching gardeners world and enjoying it.

Making a series of incredibly difficult decisions following a life changing event that has had a disastrous effect on my child.

I would've done anything at all not to have been a grown up.

I'm in my 30s and was still nervous of telling my dad I was pregnant... i don't feel like a grown up, and always look for someone older in the room (to be the designated grown up)

When my son got engaged and I realised I was now my Mum and Dad and my Mum and Dad are now my Grandparents. Iygwim.

@Ca55andraMortmain

When I had dd2 and dh referred to 'the kids'. Weirdly I felt like a teenager could have a baby but now I had 'kids', not just one child, I was an adult. (No idea why I felt like that as I was 28 when dd1 was born, not a teen 😂)

EXACTLY THIS! Almost like one baby could happen to anyone, but two children is a thing for grownups only.

When I started reading more of the local newspaper than the comic and the hatches, matches and dispatches.

I’m 40 with two children and I still feel anxious and affronted when I have to do anything too adulty like buying insurance. I sort of look around me for the proper adult who knows grown up stuff to tell me what to do and then realize there isn’t one and it’s on me.
I definitely don’t think I’m a grown up yet and I’ve no idea why, my upbringing was one where I was left to get on with it but anything legal or finance based still sends me in a spin.