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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really bloody struggling

33 replies

FloydWasACat · 17/04/2022 07:30

I have been wanting to post this for nearly a year. I know I'm not being unreasonable but this was the forum I read the most. Nearly a year ago, my husband became paraplegic through no one's fault. I keep on wanting to post on here but I just don't have the energy. We have two kids and the whole downstairs is currently undergoing massive renovations to make it accessible for DH. I just feel so lost. We are lucky it wasn't more serious, and from the shoulders up he is still himself, but fuck me, this is so hard!

Not sure what I am hoping to achieve by this post, but I need to get it out of my system. I'm crying now, but that's not a bad thing either. I'm waffling. It's all just got a bit too much.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 17/04/2022 07:43

I hear you. I cant imagine how difficult your life must be right now, and of course it will never be the same again. I am not going to give you lots of peppy 'cheer up advice, just that I hear you,and I sympathise hugely.

Sometimes a good cry is the only thing you can do.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 17/04/2022 07:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LiveintheNow · 17/04/2022 07:45
Thanks

That sounds really hard, it is ok to take time for yourself if you can

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 17/04/2022 08:12

Thank you. We have a social worker and I have had phone apps with Mind (who are brilliant). I miss him so much, it hurts. He's not an angel but any means and he can still be selfish. But a year is a very long time. And he still won't be home yet.

I am usually OK but for some reason i feel a bit broken today

OP posts:
froggybiby · 17/04/2022 09:03

Sending you lots of love. Big hugs. I think the help can be slow too...one of my friends husband is also wheelchairbound after a stroke & they just had a ramp put at the entrance but she had to pay for it herself or wait would be over a year.

oprahfan · 17/04/2022 09:41

I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling @FloydWasACat, you do have a lot on your plate at the moment.

Life has changed unexpectedly and it’s not what anyone had envisioned and it’s no wonder you feel broken. Anyone would, my love.
You are grieving. The loss of who your husband was. And trying to comprehend who he is now. And then you have had to change too. On top of all of this upheaval you have your children to consider.
Life changed and there was no time to prepare.
Of course you need support, to get ‘it out of your system’ and it’s really no wonder you feel as you do.
I’m glad there’s the building blocks of a support system around you. The social worker is a good start. And coming on here. Amongst the noise and mess, there are some very good people on here. They’ll appear.
I cannot for one minute know how you feel. But we can listen.
I hope the sun shines for you today. I hope the birds sing, that you can breathe a little easier and you can get a hot drink. You have a lot of worries, but you don’t have to do it all alone.
I know there’ll be more good souls coming along in a moment. Let them lift you a little bit in your day.
Thinking of you, wishing you lots of love 💐

oprahfan · 17/04/2022 10:34

Bumpety bump bump……..can anyone offer an ear or a little bit of love and hugs?

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 17/04/2022 10:40

Thank youxx

OP posts:
Magnoliayellowbird · 17/04/2022 10:49

It's not at all surprising that you're feeling low. You've had such a massive trauma in your life, and to boot, the sun's shining, people are enjoying the holidays, and that makes anyone who is miserable feel even worse. I agree with others who have said that you're feeling bereaved, and I can only offer sympathy. Flowers

Candleabra · 17/04/2022 10:52

Omg that’s awful. No words of advice other than to say if course you’re struggling. Anyone would be. It’s fine to let those feelings out, don’t feel that you have to be strong and positive all the time.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2022 10:54

I'm so sorry about your husband. What sort of place is he in now? Are you receiving financial support for the renovations? I hope so. How will you manage (physically) when he's home?

DowntonCrabby · 17/04/2022 10:55

It’s totally normal to be going through a type of grief in this situation OP. Your lives have changed so dramatically and that’s very difficult to deal with out of the blue.

Be kind to yourself FlowersFlowers

Have you had any counselling?

CPL593H · 17/04/2022 11:08

What you are going through is more than hard, it's brutal and you shouldn't apologise for struggling. I'm a carer and somehow when the sun is shining and it seems everyone else in the world is out and about having happy times, you feel that bit more sad and isolated. Coping with a changed life that you didn't choose is difficult, however strong you are.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2022 11:13

This is so, so awful, op. For him and for you. Your whole life has been turned upside down, of course you're struggling. I can't even imagine how you're dealing with it all.

oprahfan · 17/04/2022 11:29

At least you’ve taken the very first step. You have spoken out. It has taken you a long time to get the energy to post how you really feel about the massive changes in your lives.

You may think it’s a small thing, or as you say ‘waffling’ (you most certainly are not!😊).

You have taken the first step into acceptance. You’ve been on autopilot in the last year obviously. In the fog of grief.
Couple that with the pandemic, bringing up your children etc it would be a lot for anyone.

Please keep speaking out loud. The fact that you’ve posted shows you want to find life out there.

Vispa · 17/04/2022 11:52

OP I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Its not the same, but my child was left disabled by a sudden illness, and it changed everything overnight. The shock/PTSD alone took a long time to get over (its apparently fairly common in people who's loved ones have gone through a major health trauma like this), and I had to grieve for the child I had effectively lost, whilst loving the child I still had. You are having to be the strong one, but you are going through something unbearable too. It does get easier, it's very early days for you and for me time and counselling really helped. As did help from a charity who support people going through this. I found that although friends/family really cared, they couldn't really, truly understand what we were going through, which is so isolating. Only talking to people who had been through the same thing made me feel understood. Life moves on, whether we want it to or not, and it will get easier OP. Eventually you will all get used to the way things are now. You will be happy again OP, even if that feels impossible right now. Flowers

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 18/04/2022 07:36

Vispa thank you. It really is hard, I have some amazing mates and family but no one truly knows what it's like until you are living it. I wake up sad every morning, and I try my best to be 'normal' for the kids but sometimes I just fail at it.

I just want him home, at least then I can help him xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
FloydWasACat · 19/04/2022 02:57

Bump

OP posts:
Coolhand2 · 19/04/2022 03:15

So sorry you are going through this OP, talking about it will help. When is he coming home? My husband is a quadriplegic and it's been 7yrs, as time goes on it gets a bit better.

Mytoddlerisamazing · 19/04/2022 03:22

I'm so sorry to read to read this OP, it must be incredibly tough, especially to not have him physically with you. How far away is the hospital? And how old are your DC?

kateandme · 19/04/2022 03:28

Also think of on some of your darkest days just what you've gotten through.just what he's gotten through.when you've thought you couldn't go on...your still here still going still battling.that.is.awe inspiring.
You don't have to no u can do it or how all the time.you can sit and cry and want to give up or stop.but in those times just take it moment by moment.do your breathing come back to the right here breathe by breathe.only thinking of where your currently planted.the ground beneath you,the softness of the clothes on your skin,the slow rise and fall of your stomach as u breathe in and out.juat get through those moments.
Find joy in the smallest of things.a cup of warm tea.a bird on your lawn.warm sun to your face.sounds ridiculous to think this could help WHEN EVERYTHING'S SO CRAP! But it can.to hold on to those small wins can mean everything when everything just feels too huge

bellebeautifu1 · 19/04/2022 04:06

Sorry to here this OP, sometimes life can be so bloody unfair.

I have never walked in your shoes but I didnt want to read and run. In any situation like this it takes to time to grieve on what the life what you never planned to have but its difficult to do when you are the one always having to be the strong one.

I lost my DH nearly a decade ago suddenly (so v different situation) when our DD was a teenager and my dad died soon after....there were so many days when I was struggling to keep my head above water emotionally, financially and practically. I remember crying in the bathroom multiple times so I wasnt in sight of DD, it just helps to get it all out.

It took me nearly two years to come to terms with his death and my new future without him. Take some time for yourself, even if its just reading a chapter of a book you want to read or watching some shite telly that takes so little brain power.

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 19/04/2022 04:14

Sorry for my potential naivety but I thought paraplegic meant you can still use your arms, quadriplegic means all four limbs cannot be used? Only asking because your OP mentions above neck still the same.

Either way I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine. Has he been home at all in this time? Hopefully you will feel more settled and find a new normal when he is. Thanks

TheGetaway · 19/04/2022 04:35

@StrongCoffeAvalanche

Sorry for my potential naivety but I thought paraplegic meant you can still use your arms, quadriplegic means all four limbs cannot be used? Only asking because your OP mentions above neck still the same.

Either way I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine. Has he been home at all in this time? Hopefully you will feel more settled and find a new normal when he is. Thanks

The OP says shoulders up, not neck. HTH.

@FloydWasACat
That sounds so tough. I suspect much of what you’re feeling now is a combination of relief and apprehension. You miss him and desperately want him home but acknowledge that the reality of this happening is going to bring it’s challenges.

It’s the next step and it’s a massive one. Another big change to your life,

I’m sure there is physical and emotional help available to you but yes, it’s absolutely normal to feel as you do. I’m so sorry.
Keep posting here xx

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 19/04/2022 05:41

The OP says shoulders up, not neck. HTH.

Sincerest apologies, I understand now.