To l say something if my mum does this again

[Ntsure]

Almost time I see my mum, if I ever mention I’m stressed out or that something is difficult I get “well I had twice as many to deal with and I managed”
“You only have two”
True she has 4 children (though 3 of us close in age then sibling 13 years later) but she had A LOT of family help. We went to my grans every single weekend, my Nan lived across the road would pick us up from school, they’d come over and help a lot, my dad was around and hands on with us. My grandparents would take us kids on holidays and days out. My great aunt and uncle had us often too. My parents never even ask me how my children are.
I’m a single parent with no family help, one of my children is autistic and has adhd and can be difficult to manage.
It’s not even just the day to day care of children that’s hard about being a single parent, it’s the relentlessness, the responsibility of every single decision being down to just me, literally anything that happens it’s just me to sort it out obviously and I struggle a lot which is maybe pathetic but I do. I’ve spent a lot of the past year in a very bad place mentally because I just find things overwhelming. Even just then bothering to show an interest in the kids would help because I wouldn’t feel like I was entirely alone with everything.
We are supposed to go round there for a big family meal thing tomorrow which I know will be hard, because my eldest will be very hyper in the different setting and I know there will be comments made if I am seen to be finding things difficult. I just want to tell her she has no idea what It’s like because she has not ever been a single parent and had a lot of help with us and it just isn’t the same.
I know it will cause an argument though and I’ll be made out to be some awful person ruining the family meal because somehow I’m always the awful one ruining everything even as a child

Well of course you should just reply “you had help” and also “these comments are not helpful” etc. she’s your mother and you sound close - just be honest to stop feelings of resentment building

Take a deep breath. She has no idea what you're going through and she should be more supportive, not try to score points.

If she says anything again, shrug and say "I'm doing my best".

She doesn't give you the credit you deserve. Don't let it affect how you view your own abilities.

Just say “yes you were brilliant, Mum.” She doesn’t understand. FWIW I have more than double the number you have and asd in the mix and I think being a single Mum would be very very hard work. You can do this. Go with the intention of being the family member you wish they would be to you. Then go home eat lots of chocolate and enjoy your children for who they are now.

My mum does this too!!

My exh left me just before DC2 was born. I was crying one day saying how hard it was and how broken hearted I was. She said "oh I know just how you feel. I was a single parent every time your dad went away for the weekend" (about 6 times a year).

I was so dumbfounded I stopped crying 😂

Maybe just talk to her. Explain how you feel. I never did and mum is still the same now!

Although you would not be unreasonable to point out that she had help, if you are the family scapegoat, it's really not going to make any difference to the way she treats you. The only thing that will make a difference is seeing less of her. Does she ever help you out? Or just make you feel worse?

I also think there’s an element of many women forgetting what it’s actually like to be in the midst of it. A few months ago my mother complained to me she was tired. I said “me too” and she said , incredulously, “YOU’RE tired?!”. Yes, I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I’m pregnant.

I’m with you OP - I only have one but he is very challenging and is on the pathway for several diagnoses. Am also a single parent (we do now live with my partner but I do all the parenting and DS’s dad has decided no longer to be involved) but my dad will just say “well we had 3 under 3”. Yes dad I know. That was your choice. And you left most the parenting to my mum so drop it.

My mum did this. It’s utterly irrelevant as to what she did all that time ago and how much help she did or didn’t have. How is it a competition to see how hard you’re finding life. I’d hope it’s a cack-handed way to show empathy but doesn’t land like that does it?

Why don’t you say that? It’s not a competition mum, I’m just saying how hard I find it with MY life.

Do you ask for her help?

“Yes I don’t know how you did it. You’re a much stronger person than me. I’m falling apart here and on top of that I feel so incompetent when I think of how to know you coped with 4 kids and found it so easy.”

Name the frame. Give her what she wants in the conversation and she’ll see that she doesn’t want it after all.

Pick up and go home when/if it starts getting too hard. If comments are made just say I'm struggling and I don't want to disturb your meal we will see you another time. If given the comments, again good for you but I'm struggling. Then give it not another thought. You need help and empathy, it's a pity that's not forthcoming from your family but you don't have to struggle through just to make them feel good.

Best thing is to tell her to fuck off. She doesn't help or support you anyway. I wouldn't even bother going to the meal. Why take yourself and children around people who make you feel less than?

I think you need to be very clear here in your own mind what you want from this discussion op so you don't get hurt further.

Not this weekend obviously, but some time in future, sit down with your mother and tell her how you are feeling. Say sometimes when you are feeling overwhelmed that you don't find her comments sympathetic, that you would like to vent sometimes without her scoring points and that you would like her understanding of how difficult it it is as a sp and to parent a child with ASD and ADHD. (You can do this without mentioning the help she had. Just talk about your own experience. ) Also ask her why she doesn't show more interest in your dc? (I think you can do this without comparing her situation to yours and diminishing her experience, as that won't get you the outcome you want if you do that.)

Having said that, it seems really strange to me that your parents don't even ask after your dc, and that they make you feel uncomfortable in their home, and are not prepared to make some helpful provisions for your eldest with special needs. Most GC would be understanding that he finds big family gatherings challenging and would put a quiet place aside for him. Their lack of sympathy doesn't sound right to me at all. That's why I said be clear what you want from your conversation with your mum because they sound remarkably insensitive and you might be flogging a dead horse, and stepping back a bit might be a better course of action for you.

And you had 4x the help, whereas I do it all and that’s a big difference mum

My children won’t have those happy memories of grandparents sleep overs every weekend and grandparents fetching them from school every day

I wouldn't even bother engage in these debates with DM, it sounds like you won’t get what you want to hear - sympathy and support.

Some good responses above or just smile and nod to shut it down.

@BananaBlue

I wouldn't even bother engage in these debates with DM, it sounds like you won’t get what you want to hear - sympathy and support.

Some good responses above or just smile and nod to shut it down.

Agree with this. My mum is similar and I can’t be arsed to get into debates about x,y and z. Let her have her version of things and you have yours

Mine is the same. About different things. You say you were always the awful one ruining everything even as a child. It sounds as though perhaps you are a scapegoat. What about your siblings?

Let her have her version of things and you have yours

Yes to this. My mum is also similar and you’ll never win a ‘poor me’ debate.

So I keep it moving and rarely tell her anything I struggle with as experience tells me it won’t make me feel better at all.

Quite the opposite.

I’m fairly sure she doesn’t ask after my kids because she doesn’t particularly like me and sees them as an extension of me, it’s quite clear she doesn’t like me because she has multiple childhood and recent photos up of all my siblings and not a single one of me, my aunt gave her a photo of me and ds1 when he was born and she put it up for a week and took it down

@Ntsure

I’m fairly sure she doesn’t ask after my kids because she doesn’t particularly like me and sees them as an extension of me, it’s quite clear she doesn’t like me because she has multiple childhood and recent photos up of all my siblings and not a single one of me, my aunt gave her a photo of me and ds1 when he was born and she put it up for a week and took it down

Don’t feel you have to mask the pain you certainly feel over this with a smiling face, OP. It would be a horrible feeling.

She doesn’t sound supportive and a lot of your feelings about what she does (or doesn’t do) and says, I suspect, stems from you feeling ‘othered’ from your siblings as a child.

Don’t go for lunch, it sounds horrible. Love yourself a bit more by having some family time and Easter eggs at home, and not having to apologise or manage your DC, with unsupportive onlookers. If she asks why you are cancelling, just tell her you’re exhausted and not up to socialising.

Then stop answering the phone to her. She doesn’t get to have family lunches with all her DC present, when she treats you like dirt. Stop playing along with it and respect yourself by stepping away from these people. You need your energy for your DC and for yourself , that woman doesn’t deserve it

“You also had twice as many parents, no autism or adhd to manage and tonnes of family support. I don’t have any.”

I wouldn't go unless you want to see your siblings?

Can you make an excuse not to go to the lunch. Why put yourself through it.

@Ntsure

I’m fairly sure she doesn’t ask after my kids because she doesn’t particularly like me and sees them as an extension of me, it’s quite clear she doesn’t like me because she has multiple childhood and recent photos up of all my siblings and not a single one of me, my aunt gave her a photo of me and ds1 when he was born and she put it up for a week and took it down

Are you serious? I’d ask where the photo has gone. Interesting that your aunt had to give it to her too.

I’m so sorry that your mother treats you this way. Maybe pull back a little and give yourself the breathing space. She will not be providing you with the emotional support you need as she sounds utterly toxic.

I’d also not bother with the meal and do something lovely at home for the 3 of you.