To l say something if my mum does this again

[Ntsure]

Almost time I see my mum, if I ever mention I’m stressed out or that something is difficult I get “well I had twice as many to deal with and I managed”
“You only have two”
True she has 4 children (though 3 of us close in age then sibling 13 years later) but she had A LOT of family help. We went to my grans every single weekend, my Nan lived across the road would pick us up from school, they’d come over and help a lot, my dad was around and hands on with us. My grandparents would take us kids on holidays and days out. My great aunt and uncle had us often too. My parents never even ask me how my children are.
I’m a single parent with no family help, one of my children is autistic and has adhd and can be difficult to manage.
It’s not even just the day to day care of children that’s hard about being a single parent, it’s the relentlessness, the responsibility of every single decision being down to just me, literally anything that happens it’s just me to sort it out obviously and I struggle a lot which is maybe pathetic but I do. I’ve spent a lot of the past year in a very bad place mentally because I just find things overwhelming. Even just then bothering to show an interest in the kids would help because I wouldn’t feel like I was entirely alone with everything.
We are supposed to go round there for a big family meal thing tomorrow which I know will be hard, because my eldest will be very hyper in the different setting and I know there will be comments made if I am seen to be finding things difficult. I just want to tell her she has no idea what It’s like because she has not ever been a single parent and had a lot of help with us and it just isn’t the same.
I know it will cause an argument though and I’ll be made out to be some awful person ruining the family meal because somehow I’m always the awful one ruining everything even as a child

@Ntsure

I’m fairly sure she doesn’t ask after my kids because she doesn’t particularly like me and sees them as an extension of me, it’s quite clear she doesn’t like me because she has multiple childhood and recent photos up of all my siblings and not a single one of me, my aunt gave her a photo of me and ds1 when he was born and she put it up for a week and took it down

This doesn't sound healthy or good for you at all op. I'm sorry your mother is treating you so unfairly. I would try and talk to her (not today) and get to the bottom of it but tbh if she is not responsive then you need to put boundaries in place and walk away.

This sounds really tough OP.

I'd take the approach of not sharing things with her - don't give her the chance to compare.

"Yes, I dont think I could have 4 unless there were hands on grandparents and aunts like we had as kids. I was at Nans most weekends and I remember her picking us up from school to help you out. Must have really helped keep you sane."

Sorry, when I said "walk away" earlier I didn't mean literally (although that might be your choice). I meant put healthy boundaries and a distance between you. You are not duty bound to stay in a position where you are treated badly by someone.

Everyone trying to excuse it by saying the parents are being 'empathic' and 'supportive'...yeah, they aren't.

My mother does this with everything. If you have a headache, she has a migraine etc. The worst was when I had cancer, and my younger brother made the mistake of asking me, in front of her, what it was like, was it painful. When I said cancer was the most painful thing I'd experienced, she then piped up with 'giving birth to 3 children was the most pain I've been in'...

We were both shocked into silence. What can you say to that?

I was in the same situation OP. I finished up going LC with all of them then NC with father & siblings after mum died.

I expect you'll get grief if you don't go to the lunch. Took me a while to realise this, but it was liberating when I did: it spoiled family occasions when I didn't go because they got pleasure from seeing me struggle & being nasty to me was a game to them. Don't give them the satisfaction of being the ball they kick around. If you feel you must go, leave at the first dig. Deprive them of their sick pleasure. I've just turned down an invitation to a nephews wedding. Last one I went to, I'd been sent to coventry (mature eh?) & they refused to speak to my children too. Still no idea why. No way are they getting the chance to do that again.

And never forget, you are the strong one. Nothing pisses off the 'golden ones' more than the scapegoat succeeding. How dare you cope when they know they'd sink in the same situation. Keep doing what you're doing & I promise you'll reap the rewards in years to come.

Don't go to the meal, op. Why bother? It will only make you feel worse.

Stare hard at her and say if only your dc had a dgm like yours....
Back away op. She isn't going to change.

Re the photo thing and her feelings tiwasprds you.

You’ll be at far more peace with yourself if you can accept that it’s her, not you. Don’t keep making an effort with her. Expect nothing and do whatever make you happy, with no regard to her. Any positives will be a bonus. There is no point in trying to change her. Go lc or nc if that’s easiest for you.

You can’t change her, so you need to change your own reaction to her. Counselling might help.

💐 remember it’s not you, it’s her inadequacies.

She sounds awful OP Blatant, unforgivable favouritism.

But yes just say, mum, you had so much help, and I have none. You cannot compare.

Handhold OP, my mum was like this, no help at all to me, even when
I cried about how difficult things were when DS2 arrived, she even extended her holiday abroad, to avoid helping us out. Never forgotten that. We have been NC for many years now.

Not sure why I was surprised she wasn’t a good mum, and useless GM.

My mum received no end of help from her parents, when we were little, both financial support and practical help on a more or less daily basis.

Thank goodness for my late MIL, who was an absolute angel and helped us so much.