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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another hen party one

40 replies

unhappyhen · 16/04/2022 21:46

NC for this one...

I’m going to try and make this long story as short as possible but without missing vital info.

So I was due to get married in 2020 but it was cancelled due to covid however I had my hen party before March 2020. I am now due to get married later this year. My hen party was planned by my sister and best friend (both bridesmaids) my sister is very social, loves parties, weekends away etc and I am more of a home bird, like a party but more like once a year and I’m done. She planned a lovely hen weekend for me and we all had a lovely time (something I never asked for but was very grateful none the less).

Fast forward to this year and she is also due to get married this year. Her hen party is coming up (a two night stay about 6 hours away from where I live). I am a bridesmaid and me and the other bridesmaid have planned the weekend (sort of). Her hen party was originally for last year but I couldn’t go due to being due to give birth the same weekend. However due to covid it was postponed and now that I’m not pregnant I am able to come and therefore have jumped onto the planning bandwagon.

I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to leaving my baby and DD1. Although they are with their dad and I trust him I still get very intrusive thoughts, for example ‘what if DD2 picks up one of DD1 small toys puts it in her mouth and chokes and OH doesn’t notice?!’ It doesn’t help that DD2 was in a&e a couple of weeks ago due to banging her head on the door and began vomiting. I feel like when things like this happen my anxieties are proven right and I just see danger everywhere. I realise this isn’t normal and have recently started on sertaline. I understand I’m over anxious and do challenge my thoughts and feel like I am trying my best to move forward.

However I don’t feel comfortable leaving my baby (who still wakes often through the night and I BF) for 2 nights therefore I have decided to compromise and just do the 1 night (this is the main night) and 3 other members of the hen party are also just doing the 1 night. I have told my DS this and have empathised that I love her and want to be their to celebrate but that I’m struggling atm and that I hope she understands. She has told me that she wants me their for the two nights and will be very disappointed in me if I’m not their for both nights. The first night which I’m missing is a meal in a greek restaurant. I will be there the following day for midday when the first activity starts and the big night out.

Sorry for the long post, hope you got to the end. Please be honest AIBU?

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 16/04/2022 21:51

I don’t think yabu. How old is the baby? You say they are ebf so I’m guessing under 6 months.

Have you sort help for your anxiety?

justasmalltownmum · 16/04/2022 21:52

No you're not. She is

Original poster
unhappyhen · 16/04/2022 21:55

@Duracellbunnywannabe

I don’t think yabu. How old is the baby? You say they are ebf so I’m guessing under 6 months.

Have you sort help for your anxiety?

She's nearly one. She isn't ebf but does still feed in the night, usually one or two times.
OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 16/04/2022 21:56

I think YANBU and she's being very unfair and demanding

PlasticineMeg · 16/04/2022 22:04

I think that you should go for 2 nights. It’s your sister! And Surely you didn’t have 2 babies with a man who you don’t trust not to break the children? They’ll be fine! Relax and enjoy yourself - it won’t do you harm to break out of your anxiety zone either.

Nellz · 16/04/2022 22:26

Is there an alternative solution? E.g. partner and baby stay in a local b&b, and you stay the night with them? That would mean you wouldn't have to miss any of the events.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 17/04/2022 07:51

If your baby has food too they are no longer ebf but I think in your situation one night is enough. You need to say to your sister that you under that she is disappointed but your baby needs to bf and your boobs need emptying.

As a separate issue for your own sake and you’re children’s sake you should seek help for your anxiety.

RishisPA · 17/04/2022 07:55

I think you should try and attend both nights if you can. It’s your sister! Your DD2 will be fine and imo it’s important for your DH to be able to manage the children independently.

TidyDancer · 17/04/2022 08:04

I'm on the fence with this one. I think given that it's your sister you should make the effort to attend the whole thing if you can. Have you been honest with her about your anxiety?

Lunificent · 17/04/2022 08:05

I think you should try and do the 2 nights, but of your own accord. At the same time, I think it was rude of your sister to expect you to do this.

JudgeRindersMinder · 17/04/2022 08:06

You need to deal with your intrusive thoughts or this is going to carry on impacting your life in a negative way. Giving into them is the easier option and I think if your youngest is almost 1, you’re being unfair on your sister. It’s 2 nights not a week in Benidorm

Sometimeswinning · 17/04/2022 08:18

I think you are looking for an excuse and using your children as an excuse. They don't need you, their dad can easily look after them.

I have anxiety over things like this but for my sister/best friend I will push myself.

violetbunny · 17/04/2022 08:36

I think if I knew my sister was struggling this much with anxiety I would tell her just to come for the parts she felt able to. What's the point of forcing someone there who doesn't want to be there?

Have you told your sister about your anxiety?

Original poster
unhappyhen · 18/04/2022 22:12

Thanks for all your responses.

To answer a few I already do feel I am pushing myself to my limits atm. I wouldn't be going at all if it was anybody else but because it is my sister I'm going for her. I hate feeling like I'm letting people down but I do feel like I need to put up boundaries to protect myself and not burn out. I also keep reminding myself that I'm missing one meal - we have so much more planned that I will be there for.

And another comment which was to deal with my anxiety - I am doing all that I can and have reached out for help and started on sertraline. I am also challenging my thoughts and pushing myself to go away for the night, which is 6 hours away a big step for me which I understand might sound silly to others.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 19/04/2022 00:40

I agree with you but you need to be honest. Using your child as a reason is a poor excuse. You actually having issues and needing medication is far more valid. I've used my children as excuses so many times to get out of events. I've finally got to a point where I will tell people I can't do that. I have probably annoyed a few people but I'm good with that.

AntiHop · 19/04/2022 00:52

One night is enough when you have a young baby at home. Dd2 is the same age, I also still bf her, and I wouldn't want to stay a night or 2 away from her.

RussianSpy101 · 19/04/2022 00:58

I think YABU both for only wanting to go one night and for using your children as an excuse as to why you don’t want to.

User5643638 · 19/04/2022 02:51

One night is enough, I have a one year old and would absolutely hate to be away from her for a whole night - I wouldnt even consider two. Absolutely hate the way people expect these ridiculous multiple night hen dos and demand people to attend, so selfish. Your sister will look back and be embarrassed that she demanded it.

Momijin · 19/04/2022 03:08

It doesn't sound silly. I was never away from my kids when they were that young or I would have been anxious like you.

It's hard to imagine now that they're all teens and I've had to learn to let go little by little.

Having said that, I didn't trust my ex to look after the kids so that contributed. He would do things like leave their car seat harness loose because it was more comfortable and not keep a proper eye on them when out and about. (Lost a kid in a pub for a few mins and another kid wondered outside a library as a toddler when he was supposed to be looking after her because I was taking another to the toilet).

Had he been a competent parent or had it been my mum looking after them, I would have been fine maybe...

So if your husband is good then your children will be absolutely fine and it will probably do you good.

BeerLoas · 19/04/2022 06:58

YANBU

lightisnotwhite · 19/04/2022 06:58

@PlasticineMeg

I think that you should go for 2 nights. It’s your sister! And Surely you didn’t have 2 babies with a man who you don’t trust not to break the children? They’ll be fine! Relax and enjoy yourself - it won’t do you harm to break out of your anxiety zone either.
This, but you’ve already decided haven’t you.

You haven’t come on here to ask AIBU but to find better ways to tell your sister you aren’t coming the first night.

Original poster
unhappyhen · 19/04/2022 10:23

Sorry if I haven't been clear in my previous posts but my sister is aware of my anxiety, I have explained to her how I'm feeling atm and also about my intrusive thoughts etc which are related to my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappyhen · 19/04/2022 10:24

@lightisnotwhite I have already told her before I wrote this post, have you actually read my OP?

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappyhen · 19/04/2022 10:26

@User5643638

One night is enough, I have a one year old and would absolutely hate to be away from her for a whole night - I wouldnt even consider two. Absolutely hate the way people expect these ridiculous multiple night hen dos and demand people to attend, so selfish. Your sister will look back and be embarrassed that she demanded it.
It's good to know I'm not going mad feeling this way too. I could understand the reaction if I wasn't going at all but I am going and a few others are just doing the one night too and haven't had the same reaction I have.
OP posts:
10HailMarys · 19/04/2022 10:41

YANBU - you're already making a lot of effort to deal with your anxieties by staying away for one night, and I really don't see why she desperately needs you there for both.

I think that you should go for 2 nights. It’s your sister! And Surely you didn’t have 2 babies with a man who you don’t trust not to break the children? They’ll be fine! Relax and enjoy yourself - it won’t do you harm to break out of your anxiety zone either.

That's not how clinical anxiety works.