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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another hen party one

40 replies

unhappyhen · 16/04/2022 21:46

NC for this one...

I’m going to try and make this long story as short as possible but without missing vital info.

So I was due to get married in 2020 but it was cancelled due to covid however I had my hen party before March 2020. I am now due to get married later this year. My hen party was planned by my sister and best friend (both bridesmaids) my sister is very social, loves parties, weekends away etc and I am more of a home bird, like a party but more like once a year and I’m done. She planned a lovely hen weekend for me and we all had a lovely time (something I never asked for but was very grateful none the less).

Fast forward to this year and she is also due to get married this year. Her hen party is coming up (a two night stay about 6 hours away from where I live). I am a bridesmaid and me and the other bridesmaid have planned the weekend (sort of). Her hen party was originally for last year but I couldn’t go due to being due to give birth the same weekend. However due to covid it was postponed and now that I’m not pregnant I am able to come and therefore have jumped onto the planning bandwagon.

I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to leaving my baby and DD1. Although they are with their dad and I trust him I still get very intrusive thoughts, for example ‘what if DD2 picks up one of DD1 small toys puts it in her mouth and chokes and OH doesn’t notice?!’ It doesn’t help that DD2 was in a&e a couple of weeks ago due to banging her head on the door and began vomiting. I feel like when things like this happen my anxieties are proven right and I just see danger everywhere. I realise this isn’t normal and have recently started on sertaline. I understand I’m over anxious and do challenge my thoughts and feel like I am trying my best to move forward.

However I don’t feel comfortable leaving my baby (who still wakes often through the night and I BF) for 2 nights therefore I have decided to compromise and just do the 1 night (this is the main night) and 3 other members of the hen party are also just doing the 1 night. I have told my DS this and have empathised that I love her and want to be their to celebrate but that I’m struggling atm and that I hope she understands. She has told me that she wants me their for the two nights and will be very disappointed in me if I’m not their for both nights. The first night which I’m missing is a meal in a greek restaurant. I will be there the following day for midday when the first activity starts and the big night out.

Sorry for the long post, hope you got to the end. Please be honest AIBU?

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 19/04/2022 11:44

People just dont understand. I was given such a hard time about not being able to afford to go to a bachelorette weekend years ago I've never really got past it. It wasnt from family but friends who had witnessed my financial struggles.

I would tell her again you can only go for one night.

summertime94 · 19/04/2022 12:23

I think it's a bit unreasonable, I'd be really upset if my sister did the same

neverbeenskiing · 19/04/2022 12:34

Some of these replies are extremely ignorant. OP has clearly stated that she suffers from Anxiety and this manifests in distressing thoughts about her children coming to serious harm. This must be an awful thing to live with, and it is a legitimate medical problem not something OP can just magically switch off because someone wants her to attend an event. She is not "using her children as an excuse", she has an illness. I think it's admirable that OP isn't using her illness as justification for backing out of the hen do altogether. Instead she has committed to going for one night, which still doesn't feel comfortable for her but she is willing to push herself to do it for her sisters sake.

OP, some people simply don't understand how truly debilitating Anxiety can be. You don't need their approval to take care of yourself.

neverbeenskiing · 19/04/2022 13:01

I think it's a bit unreasonable, I'd be really upset if my sister did the same

Surely, if you're close with your sister, you'd be more upset by the fact that she was suffering from a significant mental health issue that leaves her convinced something terrible is going to happen to her children? OP is not "a bit unreasonable" to be unwell.

Newestname002 · 19/04/2022 13:39

@unhappyhen

Its sad that your sister isn't trying to understand your situation a bit more - particularly as there other hens who are only doing one night and not getting this flack from her.

It sounds very much like she is asking you to put her before your child - the answer from that would be a no-brainier from me. 🌹

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2022 13:47

If your child isn’t yet one, you should still be able to get support from the perinatal mental health team and I advise you push for this as you need help. They might be able to offer CBT as well.

I also agree that you are looking for an excuse to not go. I’d compromise and get your DH and DC to stay in the hotel with you but make it clear it will only be for overnight feeding and not to spend time with them, away from your sister. I’m sure you’ll come up with an excuse why it won’t work but that’s because you are making excuses not to go; you aren’t looking for a way to do this.

BeeDavis · 19/04/2022 13:59

It’s 2 nights…. Your husband will be more than capable of looking after his own children. Your fears will never disappear if you don’t spend time away from them and give yourself a break!

neverbeenskiing · 19/04/2022 14:17

you are making excuses not to go; you aren’t looking for a way to do this.

I disagree. If that was the case OP would just tell her sister "sorry, I'll have to miss your hen do, my anxiety is too bad and I can't face leaving the DC's". But she isn't doing that. She has clearly been "looking for a way to do this", because she has committed to going for one night, even though that still feels very difficult, because she wants to be there for her sister and one night is what feels manageable for her right now.

lightisnotwhite · 19/04/2022 14:49

@neverbeenskiing

OP, some people simply don't understand how truly debilitating Anxiety can be. You don't need their approval to take care of yourself.

Fair enough but this anxiety will translate to the children eventually. We all know overly anxious parents who have passed this on to their children. The Op posted in AIBU. It’s not wrong to say “ well yes you are because you have a trusted adult at home”. The Op realises she’s struggles and is trying to combat it. It may be uncomfortable but so are many things that we need to do to stay healthy: not having another glass of wine, or not eating the cake or going out for a run when it rains. Or she can stay home and be anxious about her kids and the fact her sister is upset with her. It’s a valid viewpoint to say she is being unreasonable.

Original poster

unhappyhen · 19/04/2022 15:08

Thank you @neverbeenskiing your responses have actually made me tear up it's nice to know someone understands and you are right it's a truly exhausting way to live, I feel like I'm having an internal battle with my brain everyday and would do anything to just flick a switch and not feel like this anymore and be free to go away for as long as I wanted. If only life was that simple.

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappyhen · 19/04/2022 15:16

I am going to this hen do, I am missing the first night (people are arriving in the early evening, going for a meal and then going back to hotel ready for the activities to start midday the next day). I will be leaving very early the next morning and arriving in time for midday and staying then until the end. I'm not staying at home and missing the whole thing as one comment has said and I'm not running away and hiding from my anxieties. I am facing them this is a huge, huge step for me (I know that might sound crazy to other people).

I appreciate if given all that I am still being unreasonable, I've asked for opinions so I will take them all on board but it feels like some people are suggesting I'm being unreasonable because I'm making excuses and not going at all which isn't the case so just want to make that clear.

OP posts:

lightisnotwhite · 19/04/2022 16:14

Well I hope you have a good time @unhappyhen. Stay in the moment and keep practicing ignoring the instructive thoughts. Enjoy the night off. You’re allowed to and it’s good for you.

PlasticineMeg · 19/04/2022 16:25

Well done OP!

Original poster

unhappyhen · 19/04/2022 16:43

@lightisnotwhite

Well I hope you have a good time *@unhappyhen*. Stay in the moment and keep practicing ignoring the instructive thoughts. Enjoy the night off. You’re allowed to and it’s good for you.

Thank you

OP posts:

confuseddotcom1234 · 19/04/2022 17:53

Not sure how long you have before it but could you have a night away ( doesn't have to be very far just not at home) as a bit of a growl to see how it goes? It might sound silly but if you try a night away might give you an idea of how you feel? As I say I wouldn't do it very far away and could just be from after the children go to bed till breakfast the next day to see how you feel?

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