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Original poster

Finally stood up to my bullying mother

55 replies

JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:07

I'm 40 years old and have a mother who I'm finding more and more difficult to deal with. She has always belittled me and made sure I know she thinks my siblings are superior in every way. Well tonight I finally stood up to her.
She came to visit with my father and in the course of the evening was sneering at me and speaking to me in a mocking tone. In a calm manner I physically stood up and told her "Don't speak to me like that in my own home." She was shocked and immediately went into full huff mode. 2 minutes later she announced she was leaving without even speaking to my children, her grandchildren. On leaving I told her there was no need to leave on bad terms but she insisted on continuing to huff. I calmly said "you can't talk to people like that and just expect to get away with it." At which point she shouted at me that she has never belittled anyone and it's not HER that speaks to people in a hateful way.
I just feel like if I cant speak up for myself now I never will. I was calm and controlled. I can see her never visiting my house again just to 'punish' me and make a stand. Life is too short...

OP posts:
Randomeggs56 · 16/04/2022 21:15

Sounds exactly like my mother and the best thing I ever did was go nc with her years ago. Good for you for staying calm and standing up for yourself, I know how difficult that can be WineCake

Arlophinius · 16/04/2022 21:21

If she does, you're not missing anything.
Back in January I told my dad (when he asked what was wrong with me) that I didn't like my decisions not being respected or treated like a child with silent treatment/cocky sarcastic attitude if I did something she didn't agree with.
She read that message on my dad's phone and texted me to say I was no longer her daughter and if anything happens to them I'm not welcome.
Since then I've been so happy not having to consider her feelings above my own with my life choices. Although I'm now on a waiting list for therapy to talk about my childhood and how it affects my relationships now, especially since she's turned my whole family against me. I'm the bad person, she's done no wrong.
I wish they knew the things she said to me, but I've got some weird emotional obligation not to say anything bad about her, because she's my 'mum'.

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:22

Thanks so much for your reply! Both my husband and my father were here at the time and went totally silent. There's an old saying "no point in farting in the face of thunder" and I think its applicable here. She is NEVER in the wrong and I can only imagine the awful spin she will put on this. I'm going to be made out to be a monster to anyone who will listen.

OP posts:
Arlophinius · 16/04/2022 21:22

Sorry to make that last post all about me but you honestly made the best decision to stand up to her. People like that need to know when they're wrong, sadly they just make people like us feel like we can't say anything because they'll bat us straight back down into place.
It's all about them losing their control, they can't stand the thought.

Neveranynamesleft · 16/04/2022 21:25

Life is definitely too short, well done you.
Nobody has the right to belittle you or make you feel uncomfortable, regardless of who they are.

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:28

@Arlophinius

If she does, you're not missing anything. Back in January I told my dad (when he asked what was wrong with me) that I didn't like my decisions not being respected or treated like a child with silent treatment/cocky sarcastic attitude if I did something she didn't agree with. She read that message on my dad's phone and texted me to say I was no longer her daughter and if anything happens to them I'm not welcome. Since then I've been so happy not having to consider her feelings above my own with my life choices. Although I'm now on a waiting list for therapy to talk about my childhood and how it affects my relationships now, especially since she's turned my whole family against me. I'm the bad person, she's done no wrong. I wish they knew the things she said to me, but I've got some weird emotional obligation not to say anything bad about her, because she's my 'mum'.
Good for you @Arlophinius! There is constantly a feeling that she hates me. She cannot seem to disguise her disgust. As a child I was beaten by her with stilettos, sticks and clubs, kicked down the hall too many incidenta to mention. I am now a mother and think she must have some kind of mental health problems or something. I've no idea what. All I know is I'm not her punching bag physically or emotionally anymore.
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Ijsbear · 16/04/2022 21:29

You did right.

your husband should have stood up for you.

TracyMosby · 16/04/2022 21:35

Cut her out, op. Better for you massively.

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:38

@Ijsbear

You did right.

your husband should have stood up for you.

In fairness he knows the kind of her and I think he was right to let me deal with it calmly. After they left he did say "she's always like that." Today was the first day I stood up to it and I just thought "no more."
OP posts:
Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:40

@TracyMosby

Cut her out, op. Better for you massively.
I love the thought of living out the rest of my days without her input. She brings only stress to me. Weirdly she loves my daughter and cannot stand my son. She will openly tell people she 'cant deal with him'.
OP posts:
Randomeggs56 · 16/04/2022 21:42

@JML001

Thanks so much for your reply! Both my husband and my father were here at the time and went totally silent. There's an old saying "no point in farting in the face of thunder" and I think its applicable here. She is NEVER in the wrong and I can only imagine the awful spin she will put on this. I'm going to be made out to be a monster to anyone who will listen.
It's about what you can live with and it's no way to live feeling like you're walking on egg shells all the time especially when your feelings are not considered at all. Stay strong and feel proud of yourself for maintaining your composure and stuff whatever story she concocts to spin the blame. I know that is easier said then done and it took me a long time to not be scared to stand up for myself but I've never been happier.

I'll never understand the mentality behind this though, my dc are the most important people to me, I could not imagine trying to demean one of them, thats not normal behaviour.

WinterDeWinter · 16/04/2022 21:42

All the more reason to go NC, Op. You need to protect your son from the damage she causes. I'm so sorry that you experienced that as a child.

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:48

@WinterDeWinter

All the more reason to go NC, Op. You need to protect your son from the damage she causes. I'm so sorry that you experienced that as a child.
I am defensive about my son around her. I feel like I have to be. We cannot visit without her constantly giving out to him. I would never ever EVER ask her to babysit for me. I did in the past before I realised she seems to have the same issue with him that she has with me.
OP posts:
godmum56 · 16/04/2022 21:48

standing up and cheering here (well not really obvs but virtually)

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:50

The overall feeling I have after this 'confrontation' is proud that I've let her know I'm no weakling. All I said was "don't speak to me like that", hardly an argument but her reaction just took it to the next level.

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Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 21:51

@godmum56

standing up and cheering here (well not really obvs but virtually)
This Grin, thank you so much
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Wren44 · 16/04/2022 21:53

My mother is like this. It’s a hard slog but stick to your guns. I try and keep the peace but it’s utterly exhausting. It’s always on me but it so often becomes too much. But now I am too long in the tooth to have to constantly do this. When I rise up she always responds like the victim, and shoots me down. It has got the point where I don’t give a shit about her feelings. Dealing with her is like dealing with a toddler. She constantly shouts about deserving respect, and yet she treats me like shit. In those situations just let her walk away. Your sanity is worth so much more than her tantrums.

Bunnybingesoneggs · 16/04/2022 21:54

Once my dm flounced out of my home. No row. But I didn't contact her for 10 years!! Omg life was amazing!
Managed a year relationship with her when my dc seemed pleased to have a dgm. . Then I went nc again.. Been 10 years but will stay nc this time!!

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 22:03

I'm normally the peacekeeper! Just suck it up and spend the week in knots thinking about her comments and actions. I'm reminding myself that it's her and not me. This time I took a calm stand. She needs to take a long hard look at herself but I have a feeling she believes she is infallible...

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ThisisMax · 16/04/2022 22:03

Dear @JML001 Im so sorry that happened you. You are a hero tho for being who you are. Your story reminded me of the singer Sinead O Connors book- Rememberings- which I listened to recently. So sad but she is so strong even with breakdowns. Resilience happens to cope. Take a listen to her reading her book. Life affirming.Mind yourself. X

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 22:09

@ThisisMax Thanks, I'll definitely look that up. I'm absolutely by no means perfect and I have made MANY mistakes in my life. But 7 years ago I became a mother and I cannot understand how a mother can seem to want her daughter to fail/hurt/be belittled like she does. I don't know what my children would need to do to me to make me resent them so.

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dropthevipers · 16/04/2022 22:17

Well done-hat cannot have been easy. Now, you need a plan in the unlikely event she realises she is a fucking cow and apologises -do you accept it or say "no, were done"?

ThisisMax · 16/04/2022 22:21

[quote JML001]@ThisisMax Thanks, I'll definitely look that up. I'm absolutely by no means perfect and I have made MANY mistakes in my life. But 7 years ago I became a mother and I cannot understand how a mother can seem to want her daughter to fail/hurt/be belittled like she does. I don't know what my children would need to do to me to make me resent them so.[/quote]
You are welcome. Well done on not being her. Your kids are lucky to have you. Just go NC- so much easier. X

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 22:24

Well done. Permanently remove this toxic bullshit from your life.

Original poster
JML001 · 16/04/2022 22:26

@dropthevipers

Well done-hat cannot have been easy. Now, you need a plan in the unlikely event she realises she is a fucking cow and apologises -do you accept it or say "no, were done"?
Oh dear, you don't know my mother at all Wink. She will NEVER apologise. In fact what she will do now is try and tell anyone who will listen to her about how awful and hateful I am. She won't speak to me. She once left me sitting outside her house for 30 minutes with my kids because she was offended. My daughter was diagnosed with cancer and post surgery she visited us. Mother coughed the entire way through the visit and my husband was worried maybe she needed a covid test. THIS offended her so she stopped speaking to us and left us outside her house until we just left.....no speak, no nothing....I thought she was making us tea until I realised Confused
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