Finally stood up to my bullying mother

[JML001]

I'm 40 years old and have a mother who I'm finding more and more difficult to deal with. She has always belittled me and made sure I know she thinks my siblings are superior in every way. Well tonight I finally stood up to her.
She came to visit with my father and in the course of the evening was sneering at me and speaking to me in a mocking tone. In a calm manner I physically stood up and told her "Don't speak to me like that in my own home." She was shocked and immediately went into full huff mode. 2 minutes later she announced she was leaving without even speaking to my children, her grandchildren. On leaving I told her there was no need to leave on bad terms but she insisted on continuing to huff. I calmly said "you can't talk to people like that and just expect to get away with it." At which point she shouted at me that she has never belittled anyone and it's not HER that speaks to people in a hateful way.
I just feel like if I cant speak up for myself now I never will. I was calm and controlled. I can see her never visiting my house again just to 'punish' me and make a stand. Life is too short...

Good for you! Stick to your guns. I can never understand why some people think it’s ok to treat family like this, yet they would never dare behave like this at work or in public because they know it would never be tolerated.

I told my DM to leave my home after she started screaming at me in front of my toddler. It was the culmination of a lifetime of bullying and controlling behaviour and was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I’ve had time to reflect in the eight years since that day and I regret nothing other than wishing I had a loving and decent mother.

A few times my DM has tried to communicate through my DH and I’ve ignored her. No apology has ever been forthcoming and I hope I never see her again.

@Aquamarine1029

Well done. Permanently remove this toxic bullshit from your life.

But how? Can I maintain a relationship with my father and siblings and honestly be NC with her? I feel I'll keep on keeping on as normal and let her huff pass...

@Skydreams

Good for you! Stick to your guns. I can never understand why some people think it’s ok to treat family like this, yet they would never dare behave like this at work or in public because they know it would never be tolerated.

I told my DM to leave my home after she started screaming at me in front of my toddler. It was the culmination of a lifetime of bullying and controlling behaviour and was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I’ve had time to reflect in the eight years since that day and I regret nothing other than wishing I had a loving and decent mother.

A few times my DM has tried to communicate through my DH and I’ve ignored her. No apology has ever been forthcoming and I hope I never see her again.

My mother has never worked. She has sisters who she speaks to but no real friends. I have a much much younger sister who is totally under her control. I have an older sister who can see right through her. My older sisters children cannot stand DM. They tolerate her to keep the peace but that is the height of it.

@Skydreams

Good for you! Stick to your guns. I can never understand why some people think it’s ok to treat family like this, yet they would never dare behave like this at work or in public because they know it would never be tolerated.

I told my DM to leave my home after she started screaming at me in front of my toddler. It was the culmination of a lifetime of bullying and controlling behaviour and was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I’ve had time to reflect in the eight years since that day and I regret nothing other than wishing I had a loving and decent mother.

A few times my DM has tried to communicate through my DH and I’ve ignored her. No apology has ever been forthcoming and I hope I never see her again.

Well done you, I wish I had your tenacity!

I've literally just gone NC with my mother 2 days ago after a lifetime of abuse, I've let her back in several times but it always ends the same. She a wicked, narcissistic bitch and she will never ever change.

Sadly I came down with covid the day we arrived and I had to drive back feeling like death yesterday.

She dead to me. There must be some sort of socio economic reasons so many women our age range have this issue with our mothers.

I wonder if it's resentment as they had us so young relative to today and didn't get to do what we have, ie, traveling, career, kids..

Does your DH know that she beat you as a child? Surely if he knew the full details of this abuse he would fully support you in going NC?

You may, unfortunately, become distanced from your father and siblings if you go NC with her. But surely it's more important to protect your children. She is already targeting your DS. She treats your children unequally. Does she speak to you disrespectfully in front of your children? Do you want them to think that her behaviour is normal or acceptable? Draw a line in the sand. Either she accepts that she can no longer abuse you or she will not see any of you. But your DH needs to support you 100%. And if you haven't spoken to a counsellor about your childhood abuse yet, that would probably help you.

Your mum sounds like a Narcissist OP. It's a tactic some use to inflict suffering by picking one sibling to "hate" in your case it's you, and with your children it's your DS. Your son causes extra pain & suffering because she hurts you too. There's** a lot of information about narcissist parents online.

Well done for standing up for yourself, this is just the beginning for you now. I really would suggest thinking seriously about going no contact in future, people like this rarely if ever, change.

@threecupsofteaminimum

I've literally just gone NC with my mother 2 days ago after a lifetime of abuse, I've let her back in several times but it always ends the same. She a wicked, narcissistic bitch and she will never ever change.

Sadly I came down with covid the day we arrived and I had to drive back feeling like death yesterday.

She dead to me. There must be some sort of socio economic reasons so many women our age range have this issue with our mothers.

I wonder if it's resentment as they had us so young relative to today and didn't get to do what we have, ie, traveling, career, kids..

Covid is such a nightmare I hope you're feeling o.k. and get over it easily enough. Here's another example...I have 2nd cousins who when having a tough time with an illness in the family, my mother appears like a saint. Dinners cooked for 8 people. Desserts rustled up for anyone and everyone. She'll tell the country she does it. I was struck down with covid last year. Incredibly sick, left my husband working from home with two children. Not one dinner, not a scone or a bun did she deliver to them. When I asked her why she told me "your husband shouldn't have been working through it"

Stilettos ???
Avoid this violent bully at all coasts.
If a person did that ti another adult they'd be arrested.
Put some strong boundaries in place and keep well away from her.

@Robin233

Stilettos ??? Avoid this violent bully at all coasts. If a person did that ti another adult they'd be arrested. Put some strong boundaries in place and keep well away from her.

Yep, she held the toe and hit me with the heel of it. All because I was passing notes in class, think I was p4 or p5 max

You haven't stated one reason why any contact should resume, ever.

Where is your father in all this?

@Nanny0gg

You haven't stated one reason why any contact should resume, ever.

Where is your father in all this?

Away working every hour. She made sure to meet him at the door of an evening telling him just how awful me and my older sister were. We both got it equally from her in fairness. The last child is the golden child and she controls her every decision.

Well done, it’s really brave to stand up to a bully. Best thing I ever did was going no years ago, life is really quite blissful without her drama.

Why does your DF allow her to treat you so awfully? Sounds like he is enabling her narcissist behaviour and in some ways is equally culpable.

@Macaroni46

Why does your DF allow her to treat you so awfully? Sounds like he is enabling her narcissist behaviour and in some ways is equally culpable.

This is the thing. 99% of the time it is when he isn't there. Today she let her veil slip and forgot herself in front of others. He was very silent. Unusually so. I'm not sure he knew what to do/say. I have a feeling it was a frosty drive home, but who knows, maybe he thinks I was unreasonable for speaking up as we all know that's the way she is?

@JML001

I have a much much younger sister who is totally under her control. I have an older sister who can see right through her. My older sisters children cannot stand DM. They tolerate her to keep the peace but that is the height of it.

Thank goodness for your older sister then, OP who, hopefully will provide you with emotional support if you need it - particularly if you go NC? You also have in front of you the sad example of your younger sister who is currently trapped in case you ever decide to give your mother another chance, as well as the thought of how your mother treats your children. Stay strong for them, if not for yourself. 🌹

Well done. You don't need to see her again now. You can invite your nice sister and family round, and your dad. See them at your place.

If you were to invite your dad and mum would she stay away, or would she force him to stay away with her? I'm sure you could find a way around her so you can carry on seeing your dad; he can 'take up an occasional hobby' or something, when he's seeing you.

Good on you OP. Hopefully it just needs the once for her to think more in future. I'm sure this has been a long time coming. Keep standing up for yourself.

I would contact your older sister, and tell her exactly what has happened. And that you are planning to go NC with your mother.
Tell her you would love to stay in contact but do realise mother will spread lies and attempt to play the victim.
Also tell her you want to keep in contact with your father.

I suspect your sister will believe you and the two of you together can continue to be a family. Also, tell your children why you are going NC….

Don't let her damage your children the way she did you.

Sounds very similar to an incident I had with my mother and I never saw her again. She spent the rest of her life slagging me off and saying I’d gone NC with her. Technically it was her who stormed off in a huff and went NC with me. Best thing which ever happened, life was so much less stressful.

Please don’t let this huff pass and slip back to old ways. You need to protect your DC and yourself.

Can you forge a relationship with your siblings and df separate from her. If your dad can’t/won’t then that’s on him. And to be honest he should be standing up to your mum more, not silently watching her treat you like shit. He’s enabling her and needs to look at his own behaviour.

99% of the time it is when he isn't there

Does your dad know that she's like this when he's not around?

You haven't responded to a previous question OP - does your DH know she beat you and wouldn't he support you if you went NC with her?
Sounds like you would still have a good relationship with your older sister and her family so you wouldn't be cut off from all family if you went NC with your mother.

Sorry everyone. Had a lovely busy Easter Sunday with my own family. The mother left our family group chat this morning, just having a complete huff to herself.
My husband will 100% support me in going NC and as I've said it's her that stormed out of my house in a huff so balls in her court to come and apologise (which will never happen).
Just idiotic behaviour for a woman in her 60's. She's not used to anyone pulling her up on her manipulative behaviour but I'm done with being her doormat.

OP,

As your sister sees through her, focus on that relationship.

Your father has conveniently never had your back so I would leave it to him to work it out.

Your younger sister will have to figure things out for herself, but beware of her teying to manipulate you on your mothers behalf.

She adds nothing to your life.
Time to move on.

Savour the peace.