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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would you feel about this

44 replies

secretsqizzle · 16/04/2022 21:04

Next door neighbour but one is 62.. his wife is in a nursing home. She has early onset dementia. She knows him sometimes: but not always.

He has met a lady at the home . Visits her husband daily (as does he) .. there is definitely something between them.

They are both married.

I am a good friend of his . He is torn . Believed in 'till death do we part '

Overcome with loneliness. His wife has been in care for 4 years... real chance of possible love and compassion. With new woman

Should s/he. ?

OP posts:
Nelliephant1 · 16/04/2022 21:14

Absolutely he should. He deserves happiness, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love his wife.

Good luck to them both.

Neveranynamesleft · 16/04/2022 21:16

It's a yes from me

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 16/04/2022 21:17

Yes, without a doubt.

TheSnowyOwl · 16/04/2022 21:18

His wife has gone. She might be still alive, but she’s not here anymore and never will be. He deserves happiness.

Original poster
secretsqizzle · 16/04/2022 22:04

That is exactly what I think. ! some neighbours have commented that 'until death do is part' means just that ...

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 16/04/2022 22:06

Yes

pictish · 16/04/2022 22:07

Yes.

BrimFullOfAsher · 16/04/2022 22:08

Sorry but it's a definite no from me.

You haven't given the situation between the other lady and her husband either?

oliviastwisted · 16/04/2022 22:11

I am going to answer this differently if the man was my husband I hope he would go fit it but still continue to visit me too.

oliviastwisted · 16/04/2022 22:11

Go for it

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/04/2022 22:11

I wouldn't judge them. He is still visiting his wife even though she doesn't know him. 62 isn't that old these days.

fantasmasgoria1 · 16/04/2022 22:14

I have absolutely no issues with this. Their spouses are in a care home so they probably feel very lonely at home. They are young still and can be happy together.

TheHoleNineYards · 16/04/2022 22:15

Yes. He can still care for her, and his (prospective) partner can still care for her husband, but they can love each other to.

Giggorata · 16/04/2022 22:24

As long as he doesn't just abandon his wife… it doesn't seem too out of order to me.
Sounds as though the woman is in similar circumstances.

I would ask: where's the harm?

Hugasauras · 16/04/2022 22:26

Yes, god knows dementia makes those left behind lonely enough. If they can find some companionship and happiness together then they should. There's still a lot of life for him to live. My grandad found a lovely lady when my gran had been in a home for a few years with dementia. She made such a difference to his last few years.

BritWifeInUSA · 16/04/2022 22:29

It may have been agreed between the husband and wife in the past that if either of them becomes unable to maintain the relationship that they can take on another partner to face the needs met. I know several couples who have agreed to this.

Thetoasterhasbroken · 16/04/2022 22:29

Dementia goes only one way, it won’t get any better so why shouldn’t they both find solace in each other. My poor mum has Alzheimer’s and it’s a lonely place for my dad. They are both 80 but if he were younger I wouldn’t have an issue with him finding comfort with someone else, especially someone going through the same thing.

pictish · 16/04/2022 22:30

Some neighbours have mentioned ‘till death do us part’.
Have they? Well it’s not their lonely existence is it? That they would see someone alone to honour a tradition is pretty disgusting.

pictish · 16/04/2022 22:32

Although I’m sure they’ll think themselves quite honourable.

Thedogscollar · 16/04/2022 22:32

Definitely yes. They can understand the devastation of this illness and if any happiness can come from this then why not?

VyeBrator · 16/04/2022 22:35

@secretsqizzle

That is exactly what I think. ! some neighbours have commented that 'until death do is part' means just that ...
I think he should too

But what he shouldn't be doing is blabbing about his private life to his neighbours.

At least let his wife have some dignity.

LadyLolaRuben · 16/04/2022 22:36

@TheHoleNineYards

Yes. He can still care for her, and his (prospective) partner can still care for her husband, but they can love each other to.
This. Yes he can do both. No one can get hurt. They can be the best versions of themselves for their partners and be content in a loving companionship or whatever it is at home
TabithaTittlemouse · 16/04/2022 22:40

Why are all of his neighbours discussing this?

Candleabra · 16/04/2022 22:41

Yes. Anyone who has lived through a dementia diagnosis know just how terrible it is. And how complicated your feelings for your loved ones are. But most people will say no publicly. They don’t understand. People are very judgemental.

WimpyKidYouNot · 16/04/2022 22:43

Anyone who is caring for someone with dementia needs all the support/friends they can get.

Sounds like a v gossipy neighbourhood which is actually not nice and whatever is going on (or isn’t) is no one’s business but theirs.

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