How would you feel about this

[secretsqizzle]

Next door neighbour but one is 62.. his wife is in a nursing home. She has early onset dementia. She knows him sometimes: but not always.

He has met a lady at the home . Visits her husband daily (as does he) .. there is definitely something between them.

They are both married.

I am a good friend of his . He is torn . Believed in 'till death do we part '

Overcome with loneliness. His wife has been in care for 4 years... real chance of possible love and compassion. With new woman

Should s/he. ?

Yes. It’s a sad situation all round but we have to find happiness where we can in dark times

They both should take the opportunity to have intimacy, support and healing within each other but continue to visit their spouses without ever mentioning it i.e. offloading guilt or asking permission in their partners' more lucid moments.

Yes definitely. Dementia is just the cruellest disease and the last 4 years (plus those before she went into the home) will have been a lonely nightmare for him.

I would have no issue at all if this person was a friend, colleague, brother etc but as their child I would struggle with it which should be a consideration for both sides. I'd want my dad to be happy but it would be very difficult and wouldn't want it thrown in my face. I completely understand the desire for romance/companionship though.

@TabithaTittlemouse

Why are all of his neighbours discussing this?

This is Mumsnet, they also discuss how much each earns and their favourite sexual position

I know of a similar situation: she's a widow, his wife in care with dementia ( wife doesn't really know who he is).
The new couple are both grieving and it's lovely that they've found each other.
Widow's children know, the man's children do not ( couple live separately in the same aged care facility).
No one's business except theirs.

Yes I think they should
Although their partners are still alive, in body, their minds are not
I'd never judge anyone in this situation

Yes, it’s another chance at happiness for them.

In this situation I'd have sympathy for both of them and not judge at all. The situation with their respective spouses is very tough and having each other for support is golden. As long as they continue to be the same partner to their spouses who they married in sickness and in health.

Yes he should, I worked in care for a number of years and seen several men/women who have cared for a spouse with dementia (not necessarily even in a care home) but also had relationships for support and otherwise outside the marriage. It's bloody hard looking after someone with dementia, no matter how much you love and respect them, seeking companionship is natural and healthy.

@secretsqizzle

That is exactly what I think. ! some neighbours have commented that 'until death do is part' means just that ...

What a shame if they miss their chance of happiness due to other people's judgement

@secretsqizzle

That is exactly what I think. ! some neighbours have commented that 'until death do is part' means just that ...

Tell them to walk a mile in your neighbours shoes, then comment!

I'd wish him all the happiness in the world with his new companion and I hope they bring much love and comfort to each other

Dementia is crueller than death in some ways. The person who you loved physically is still there, and yet all your shared history isn't. I would never judge, and I'd be shutting down anyone who did to me about anyone else's circumstances

@SD1978

Dementia is crueller than death in some ways. The person who you loved physically is still there, and yet all your shared history isn't. I would never judge, and I'd be shutting down anyone who did to me about anyone else's circumstances

Agreed , there are things worse than death.

@HELLITHURT me and my husband have already discussed the idea of divorcing and what's best. Because I don't want to be in a home using up all our savings that I had planned for the kids and grandkids, and him watching me become a person that's not me. I would rather he moved on and I could see him happy and carry on living. If I was dying in a nursing home I couldn't stand my family dying with me.

@SD1978 I've recently watched my grandma decline over a few years with dementia and it does get to a point it is worse than death. She became a different person, basically like a toddler again, but I know doe a fact if she had the choice she would have opted out 4 years ago. Same as I would or anybody I know. No body wants be become bedridden, mind messed up, can't actually live anymore you just survive. It's inhumane how dementia can take over but no one would choose that life

I would be much more concerned about the gossipy neighbours and their opinions. You know the old saying equating opinions and arseholes…

I think he should go for it, but he will need to be very sensitive to their DC’s (if there are any) feelings if he does.