To be this upset/annoyed over DSis wedding?

[PixieAndProsecco]

I do want to start this by saying I love my sister, I will obviously be at her wedding, be her Maid of Honour, smile for the pictures etc and wish her the very best in her married life.

However, her wedding is now less than a month away and every single day something else comes up and I just makes me so annoyed and upset.

When I got married my parents gave us X towards it and then paid for things like my dress separately. They also paid for their outfits, hen and stag do and other incidentals separately. They told my sister she would get the exact same.

My sister's wedding rolls around and her reception alone costs more than everything my parents paid for mine plus the extras. Literally they have spent I would say double on hers as they did mine because "that's what she wants".
They spent the run up to my wedding talking me out of things I wanted as "a waste of money" - for example a band is a waste, have a DJ; no one wants a weekend long hen do; do you really want that dress it's a bit expensive for one day; hmm those venues will costs guests, why not go here as its cheaper etc. Etc.
Yet my sister wanted a pianist and a DJ? No problem. She wants an expensive venue? Looks lovely. A weekend long hen and stag? Can't wait to go.

In the end I had a wedding somewhere I didn't particularly like, with nothing I really wanted, because it all became too overbearing and overwhelming.
My wedding is nothing that I wanted and when I look back its not a special day, just a day.

My sister, on the other hand, will say "jump" and my parents will ask "how high?". Nothing is too much trouble and she will get everything and anything she asks for. My parents are also paying for things they didn't agree to pay for because my sister and her husband to be "forgot to save for it" and its just an "of course, how much and is there anything else?"

It's not so much the money, I wanted to spend less and go abroad and i could never spend that much money on a day. Its more the double standards and hypocrisy - we would both get the same which obviously didn't happen and its very clear that this is the case. I got all the negativity and nothing that i wanted and she gets what she wants constantly without any issues.

And now with it drawing closer its just a constant reminder of the different way in which we're treated.
There has always been differences (they paid for her to do a masters ans when I asked for a loan, which would be repaid, it was an outright no; gave her thousands towards a house but when it came to me they gave money then told me it needed repaid afterwards; my sister wanted decking for a party and they just paid for it) but this is probably the biggest "comparison" so to speak and it hurts. To see one sibling who is obviously the favourite get whatever they want, when they want, whatever the cost and the other to constantly be told "no".

I know I sound like a child.
I know a lot of people don't even get what o did.
I know it is such a trivial thing.
Maybe the wedding is just a red herring - it probably is, it's probably not even what is upsetting me. It's just a physical manifestation of the different ways we are treated.

But it hurts and I can't speak to anyone irl about it.
Would you be upset/annoyed at the differences?

@WeddingFavour

Why do you even know all this? I do understand it must be hurtful to feel there's a preference for your sister, I get that. But as a married adult, tallying up all the money your parents give you both is a bit tacky..? My sister has had more from my parents over the years, she's 4 years younger and their financial situation was just different. For my 18th I got a TV for my room that didn't work until they paid for an aerial to be installed for my 19th... She got her rent paid for through uni, and a car paid for until she graduated. We're different characters, I'm far more self-sufficient and I wouldn't have accepted my parents paying that much for me. Tbf they are aware of the discrepancy and have apologised.

You also say the last thing I asked my parents for was over a decade ago and was a book but earlier you said you asked them for a loan for education, you got a contribution towards your wedding, and they loaned you money when you were buying a house... It does sound a bit spoilt, can you see that? Do they help with childcare out of interest?

I know about it because it gets spoken about. I don't start the conversations but my mum does - she openly tells me what she has got for DSis etc. It does make me wonder whether she genuinely notices the discrepancies or thinks anything about it. I don't keep a "mental tally" it's just this wedding has been spoken about since mine, almost 3 years now, and it has become increasingly clear what is happening/what has happened.

As for the "last thing I asked for," I was talking in terms of presents. My sister was the child who circled everything in the Argos book at Christmas and got pretty much everything. I was the child who asked for a book.
My parents do help with some childcare, which they have assured my sister they will reciprocate if she has children - probably more so as my job is term time only and hers isn't. However on a weekly basis they still probably bail her out more: skint after payday and needs money to "go out" so she gets money; "too busy" to clean her house or do a food shop so my mum does etc. Whereas I get told that my mum also worked full time with two kids and running a home is just part of that.

Financially my sister and her fiance bring home the same wage as myself and DH, however they don't have children.
If she was forever struggling I'd understand more but this has been going on our entire lives and I think this is the straw that broke the camels back.

I also don't know if its because it wasn't "strong enough" to voice my own opinions. However you'd think that a wedding with 12 people, including the bride and groom and their two children, in a special place which would have saved my parents any money they gave us would have been more favourable.

I'm not having a go but Whereas I get told that my mum also worked full time with two kids and running a home is just part of that, why do you get told this? Are you complaining about it/hinting for your mum to help you?

However you'd think that a wedding with 12 people, including the bride and groom and their two children, in a special place which would have saved my parents any money they gave us would have been more favourable.

So why didn't you do it the way you wanted, but pay for it yourself?

I just can't see how helpful to you these comparisons are. Yes it is unfair but life is unfair. Doesn't seem likely to change any time soon so your best best is to work at stopping it hurt you. Asking a load of strangers on the internet to validate your feelings is the complete opposite of this. It's going to make you feel more resentful.

This is hurtful and will continue to be hurtful.

I’d put some space between you and your parents. Shut down conversation about the wedding.

Be less available and reliant on your parents lower your expectations of them as they’ve shown you they’re not going to treat you and your sister the same.

@WeddingFavour

I'm not having a go but Whereas I get told that my mum also worked full time with two kids and running a home is just part of that, why do you get told this? Are you complaining about it/hinting for your mum to help you?

However you'd think that a wedding with 12 people, including the bride and groom and their two children, in a special place which would have saved my parents any money they gave us would have been more favourable.

So why didn't you do it the way you wanted, but pay for it yourself?

Neither. We might be sitting having a cup of tea, the three of us and I might say "I've still got the cleaning to do I can't stay long," and my mum then tells me that it's part of being a grown up. My sister then complains and my mum will tell her she'll come down.

I did want that. I reached out to companies, both here and in the country I wanted to marry in. I priced it up, I looked at venues, hotels, flights etc and did what I could (although it was too far in advance to do more). I spent months being told that it was a joke, they weren't coming, it would be a waste of money etc until eventually I did just give in.

@DownToTheSeaAgain

I just can't see how helpful to you these comparisons are. Yes it is unfair but life is unfair. Doesn't seem likely to change any time soon so your best best is to work at stopping it hurt you. Asking a load of strangers on the internet to validate your feelings is the complete opposite of this. It's going to make you feel more resentful.

Actually getting it out in a space where I'm "safe" has been quite therapeutic. It's also nice to know that I'm not alone, if that makes sense.

@PixieAndProsecco In that case I think it might be in your best interests to pull back from your family a bit. Not go NC or whatever but just see them a bit less. My parents can be very critical too, I really wanted to move away for uni but I got a similar barrage of why it was stupid and I was childish for wanting that (wut?) and why I should do what they told me. So I stayed, but then I moved out at 20 and became very strong-willed. I'm currently planning my own wedding and my mum doesn't like my venue, thinks I'm over-spending, doesn't like my choice of decor. Don't care, I do and I'm happy with what I'm paying. I see them every couple of weeks and there's no animosity, but equally we're not close and they don't know much about my sort of inner world. Just don't let them get to you. If you hear less about your sister and what she's getting it'll annoy you less.

Are you the eldest daughter @PixieAndProsecco?

The patterns you write about are pretty typical of the different treatment a lot of parents make of their DC in my experience. I was the elder daughter who didn’t ask for much because I saw that my parents sometimes struggled. My younger sister was fairly shameless (as I saw it) in asking for anything she wanted. And she got it.

The other way to look at this is that my sister is more outgoing than I am, but that she also doesn’t expect our parents to guess what she might like. She just blatantly asks for whatever she thinks she needs. And you could see this as more emotionally healthy. I suppose …

Whereas I wish that my parents would notice what I need. I think this is quite a typical difference between first and second DC I suppose because as the eldest, we get used to stepping aside for a younger child.

She and my mother were very similar. I know my mother loves me, but we are very different types of people and she basically just likes my sister more - she sees herself in my sister.

And I also notice that my parents always assume I am self-sufficient and are quite proud of me being like that. They see it as in my nature, whereas my sister “needs” more help. The truth is, I could sometimes have done with more help, but I didn’t want to burden or trouble them.

It's been the same in my family since the day my brothers where born
They got more money spent on them for birthdays/Christmas-better parties etc
We grew up-no money for me to learn to drive-they got lessons/car/insurance-Rinse and repeat
Charged me silly rent-they've never paid rent
I wanted so badly to learn a skill at college-no money in the pot
They wanted to go-money there
They all dropped out and went back years later-not a word was said and money there to put them through it again
I put myself through college-nothing from them-i was the worst person ever
I had dc-they really hated spending time ot money on them
My brother gets married-10k given-he has a kid-3k dropped on him,no questions asked
Another brother got married-12k given to him
They even pay for the last brothers drugs!(he's a high functioning drug addict with a job but none of his own money goes on his drugs)
They all got flats and me a house-all 3 got at least 4k each to kit themselves out and bills paid for them
I slept on the floor for 2 years in an uncarpeted house that was freezing cold as I couldn't afford heating
Me-i got fuck all and it's not the money-its more the knowing I'm not worth it
They really thought I'd stick around to wipe their arses when they got old-sod that-im nc
But as I see it,I've worked for everything I have so value it so much more

Maybe your parents are sick of you both expecting them to pay for your weddings, education and career choices. You’re both adults so behave like it. Stop squabbling and budget to pay for yourselves.

This sounds really hard and I can see why you're hurt. There's absolutely nothing wrong with differences where they are discussed and explained but the way they've done it is shoddy at best. It's also not a great reflection on your sister - I know if my parents tried that sort of trick and I was aware of it I'd be turning them down. Can you try talking to her nicely to find out her side? Hopefully it'such more even than you've seen so far but even if it isn't at least you give her a chance to show you what kind of person she is.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Maybe your parents are sick of you both expecting them to pay for your weddings, education and career choices. You’re both adults so behave like it. Stop squabbling and budget to pay for yourselves.

Thank you. I'll certainly stop having the arguments that I don't have with my sister now.

Anyway, thank you everyone.
To answer a few questions yes I am the oldest and no this isn't a about the money per say but that is the way in which the differences are highlighted.

I'm not angry at my sister in any way, shape or form. She shouldn't not get things just because I don't and I don't even think she is very aware of that fact. She asks, she gets. She doesn't really know what goes on elsewhere.
I also don't know if my parents consciously realise what they're doing either - it's like lots of posters have said in that I am expected to just get on with it/I'm older/I'm more grounded and stable. However, that also doesn't negate the fact that the differences hurt.

I couldn't imagine treating my own kids that way with such obvious differences. I mean my eldest, who is almost 12, complains thar he does more than my youngest who is 4 but when he was 4 I didn't expect him to clean his room and when the 4 year old is 12 he'll have those same expectations. Apart from that I can't ever see a situation where I would purposely do more/be more for one child than the other.