To be this upset/annoyed over DSis wedding?

[PixieAndProsecco]

I do want to start this by saying I love my sister, I will obviously be at her wedding, be her Maid of Honour, smile for the pictures etc and wish her the very best in her married life.

However, her wedding is now less than a month away and every single day something else comes up and I just makes me so annoyed and upset.

When I got married my parents gave us X towards it and then paid for things like my dress separately. They also paid for their outfits, hen and stag do and other incidentals separately. They told my sister she would get the exact same.

My sister's wedding rolls around and her reception alone costs more than everything my parents paid for mine plus the extras. Literally they have spent I would say double on hers as they did mine because "that's what she wants".
They spent the run up to my wedding talking me out of things I wanted as "a waste of money" - for example a band is a waste, have a DJ; no one wants a weekend long hen do; do you really want that dress it's a bit expensive for one day; hmm those venues will costs guests, why not go here as its cheaper etc. Etc.
Yet my sister wanted a pianist and a DJ? No problem. She wants an expensive venue? Looks lovely. A weekend long hen and stag? Can't wait to go.

In the end I had a wedding somewhere I didn't particularly like, with nothing I really wanted, because it all became too overbearing and overwhelming.
My wedding is nothing that I wanted and when I look back its not a special day, just a day.

My sister, on the other hand, will say "jump" and my parents will ask "how high?". Nothing is too much trouble and she will get everything and anything she asks for. My parents are also paying for things they didn't agree to pay for because my sister and her husband to be "forgot to save for it" and its just an "of course, how much and is there anything else?"

It's not so much the money, I wanted to spend less and go abroad and i could never spend that much money on a day. Its more the double standards and hypocrisy - we would both get the same which obviously didn't happen and its very clear that this is the case. I got all the negativity and nothing that i wanted and she gets what she wants constantly without any issues.

And now with it drawing closer its just a constant reminder of the different way in which we're treated.
There has always been differences (they paid for her to do a masters ans when I asked for a loan, which would be repaid, it was an outright no; gave her thousands towards a house but when it came to me they gave money then told me it needed repaid afterwards; my sister wanted decking for a party and they just paid for it) but this is probably the biggest "comparison" so to speak and it hurts. To see one sibling who is obviously the favourite get whatever they want, when they want, whatever the cost and the other to constantly be told "no".

I know I sound like a child.
I know a lot of people don't even get what o did.
I know it is such a trivial thing.
Maybe the wedding is just a red herring - it probably is, it's probably not even what is upsetting me. It's just a physical manifestation of the different ways we are treated.

But it hurts and I can't speak to anyone irl about it.
Would you be upset/annoyed at the differences?

...and of course, this was just more of the same I've been experiencing for decades...not a one off.

This was also me and older sibling.

I gave up and did it all on my own, I’ve never taken any help or any money, they do send the kids Christmas gifts, but DS kids get more,

I can’t get worked up about it. I feel proud how I worked harder and achieved more.

They don’t owe anyone anything, so stop what you do for them and stop taking and expecting a different outcome. Maybe they’ll see your sister for who she is. Eventually.

@ENoeuf

ChiswickFlo

Yanbu op.
Sibling favouritism is insidious and poisonous
My parents gave us £1,000 towards our wedding (over 20 years ago so it went furthersmile) I was grateful.
When we moved into our first house I got a plastic bucket with pegs, tin opener, cleaning cloths etc in it.
Very useful! And I didn't expect anything else.
My brother got £5k towards his wedding and got a £10k house deposit.
🤷‍♀️
We don't really have much of a relationship tbh.
I'm sorry. It's horrible.

this stuff really worries me, we give what we can afford at the time and then try to be fair when the next one reaches that stage. But it’s hard - one went to uni, one wanted a car instead so we contributed to both but I refuse to get into spreadsheet territory. I hate to think of them feeling like this

I don't think your children will feel this way, as they'll know it's a "we give what we can".

However you should worry when one DC literally gets £10,000+ more than the other; when one DC gets their masters paid for; when one DC gets handouts constantly; and the other gets none.

Thank you @ChiswickFlo that’s kind of you. I think it’s sometimes really hard to be equitable - I can imagine my oldest had less than my youngest in material terms at certain points as we just didn’t have the £££. Or maybe as long as you are fair it doesn’t have to be equal. I’m sorry you’ve been treated unfairly as it does sound quite clear for you and your sibling x

Sorry thank you also @PixieAndProsecco. I hope my dx see it the same way. I would never not try to balance it if we were in a position to do it.

@ENoeuf

Thank you *@ChiswickFlo* that’s kind of you. I think it’s sometimes really hard to be equitable - I can imagine my oldest had less than my youngest in material terms at certain points as we just didn’t have the £££. Or maybe as long as you are fair it doesn’t have to be equal. I’m sorry you’ve been treated unfairly as it does sound quite clear for you and your sibling x

It's very hard to be equitable sometimes, yes. 6 year gap between my dc so they are very different places in their lives so atm ds1 (18) is getting more spent on him probably. But I do keep a mental tally ☺️ which dh finds hilarious.

My sibling has also stolen from me too so it's complicated and lots of bad feeling :(

@ChiswickFlo

The favouritsm will continue once any gc arrive too, sadly so be prepared for that.

It's even harder to witness it affecting one's own dc.

My brothers child is by far the most favoured.

Shame my brother hardly ever visits mum.

Sad, really.

Thankfully I've already got this one covered. I gave birth to the first two grandchildren and great grandchildren on both sides of the family. My children can, apparently, do no wrong which is something I suppose.

However knowing how life works my sister will have the first, long awaited and wanted, girl and my boys will be as wanted as a case of herpes.

Could they have been worried that their savings wouldn't be enough to cover both weddings? Would your sister have got married sooner if it hadn't been for covid but because it was delayed they've had more time to save?

My lovely father told me I had "bad timing" to want to have my wedding at the same time my brother wanted a sports car,sister an expensive apartment during university because she 'needed to be out of the halls' and my younger sister had a list of demands. I had a low budget wedding,an inexpensive dress and veil. It left a bad taste in my mouth thinking back on it like you @PixieAndProsecco

Favoritism is corrosive - honestly take some time to really deal with it and face it up and deal with it - not easy - then decide how far you want to step back from your parents/sister and what boundaries you want to put in place and
Then onwards and upwards with your own life!!

Just sounds like the tipping point OP. Look on the bright side. The blatant favourite gets to do the main chunk of caring in the old age.

My parents spent £25,000 on my sister’s wedding in the early ‘70s.

My parents spent £2,000 on my wedding in the early ‘90s.

Go figure.

How would your sister react if she didn't get what she wants? Is that a factor?

Do you think other people are aware of it?
( your sister etc.)

YANBU OP. I have wonderful parents who have always been so generous and fair with their money. When I got married my parents said we have X amount, we gave this to your older DB and they spent it on honeymoon, you can have the same. When my younger DB got married he had a small wedding but still got the same from my parents which they put towards a deposit on a house. To this day my parents make sure we get equal amounts of whatever they are giving and that even extends to the grandchildren who all get the same. I have so much respect for the way they have done this as it’s created a sense of trust and fairness.

I would try to focus on the positives that you have - your wedding might not have been all that you wanted but I know that talking to people who had huge weddings it was all too much pressure. Your wedding sounds like it was a lovely relaxed event.
Also, afterwards I would sit down with your parents and put across your points, right now whilst on the run up to the wedding might not be the right time.

Boohoo. Yes you absolutely sound like a petulant child.

Well when they need their arses wiped at least they wil have The Golden Hand of dsis to do it.

Oh so sorry @PixieAndProsecco. YANBU at all. It must really hurt.

Money in families is so symbolic. For them to have responded to yours and your sister’s wedding plans so very differently is horrible.

I think you have to gear up to have a conversation with them about it. Can we help you here to frame your approach?

That is, help you with ways you might open the conversation in a way that is calm and rational and focused on telling them how this makes you feel?

I have a very similar relationship with my sister and parents (who all I absolutely love to bits). My sister is my junior by only two years but we have very different personalities and different relationships with our parents. We both have husbands and kids DSis is babied and enabled by my parents (and me to some extent). My parents look after her kids nearly every day (she doesn't work) so she can go to hobbies and activities. They both pay for her holidays and some bills. When she moved house they all helped with it, cleaning and moving day. We did it just me and DH. They have a closer relationship generally as DSis is always at their house.
I don't think my parents prefer my sister and my mum has actually said she feels terribly guilty about the difference in the way we are treated. My sister just seems to need so much more 🤷‍♀️

I have tried to speak to them about it and it always comes back to one of the following -

1. We don't know what Dsis does with her money but she needed help.
2. Oh but your wedding was ages ago.
3. I can't believe she asked me to pay for it, cheeky git isn't getting another penny off me but of course I said yes.

They try to say that she'll never see another penny and that lasts as long as her next want.

@ForeverLooking

I have a very similar relationship with my sister and parents (who all I absolutely love to bits). My sister is my junior by only two years but we have very different personalities and different relationships with our parents. We both have husbands and kids DSis is babied and enabled by my parents (and me to some extent). My parents look after her kids nearly every day (she doesn't work) so she can go to hobbies and activities. They both pay for her holidays and some bills. When she moved house they all helped with it, cleaning and moving day. We did it just me and DH. They have a closer relationship generally as DSis is always at their house. I don't think my parents prefer my sister and my mum has actually said she feels terribly guilty about the difference in the way we are treated. My sister just seems to need so much more 🤷‍♀️

I think this could possibly be it too.

I think my parents feel guilty that they have somehow managed to raise someone who is both so spoiled and so shockingly shit with money that she forever needs bailed out/always expects to get what she wants.

For her birthday she took my mum shopping and my mum went and bought everything she wanted.
For my birthday I didn't ask for anything (the last thing I asked my parents for was over a decade ago and was a book - the only thing I've asked DH for is a book haha), and they got me little bits (wine, chocolate) and some money but it was obviously not what Dsis got.

@ENoeuf

Sorry thank you also *@PixieAndProsecco*. I hope my dx see it the same way. I would never not try to balance it if we were in a position to do it.

I think it really depends on the relationships. My parents spent much more on my sister’s wedding than mine. She wanted a big bash and I genuinely wanted a very small informal ceremony. We only had 20 guests and all went to a restaurant for the reception.

I have no resentment over this as it wasn’t favouritism, and I know that my parents love us equally. They show it in their actions and have done for our whole lives.

Why do you even know all this? I do understand it must be hurtful to feel there's a preference for your sister, I get that. But as a married adult, tallying up all the money your parents give you both is a bit tacky..? My sister has had more from my parents over the years, she's 4 years younger and their financial situation was just different. For my 18th I got a TV for my room that didn't work until they paid for an aerial to be installed for my 19th... She got her rent paid for through uni, and a car paid for until she graduated. We're different characters, I'm far more self-sufficient and I wouldn't have accepted my parents paying that much for me. Tbf they are aware of the discrepancy and have apologised.

You also say the last thing I asked my parents for was over a decade ago and was a book but earlier you said you asked them for a loan for education, you got a contribution towards your wedding, and they loaned you money when you were buying a house... It does sound a bit spoilt, can you see that? Do they help with childcare out of interest?

Oh and as for the wedding... Sounds like you're annoyed at yourself for not having strong enough opinions. You didn't have to listen to them or take their money. The criticism from parents is something I can relate to as an eldest daughter though. We go through everything first and by the time it gets to the next child they've adjusted their expectations and understand what things cost/that having a gap year won't ruin your life/whatever else.