To wonder if I will regret Working part time?

[StaceLay]

So, I have worked part time since my youngest was born. I just wondered if anybody did the same and regret either working or not working? Should I have focused on my career? I don’t really have a career to go back to and thinking of training part time and then hopefully building a career? Is it a lose lose situation either way?

It really annoys if a couple split, the mother seems to take the biggest hit! Men have it so easy!

Welcome to the patriarchy!

Please dont buy into the narrative of what you should be doing with your life right now. Your motivation was money to live rather than a career - and thats ok! Youve got a pt job that fits around your kids. That is not to be sneezed at. Now your motivation is changing so you need to reassess. Yes there are pitfalls (divorce as a pp mentioned) so you do need to be aware. Id do as much resesrch as you can. What retraining opprtunities are there, what would that involve? What is available via distsnce learning? What opportunities are there locally? What jobs will they lead to, are those jobs available to you? What is the pay? How quickly can you go up the payscale? You say you want to do something medical - thats very broad so talk to as many peoole as you can about their jobs.

I am in my 50s and have worked part time all my working life apart from a couple of years. Very well educated (eg I am a qualified lawyer amongst other things) so always had options but it has worked for me. Unfortunately I have met many women in my current line of work who were absolute screwed when their long term relationship/marriage fell apart so it is a bit of a gamble, only you can decide.

What is the safest thing to do?

Whatever you do is a compromise. I work a 0.8FTE but in a very high pressure, long hours career. I have kept my career but sacrificed more time with my kids than if I had gone down to 0.4 or 0.5, or been a SAhM. I sometimes regret not being at home more but I would also have regretted given up my career. So you have to decide on a compromise that works for you.

Whatever you do, keep paying your full-time equivalent of pension contributions, if you can. I worked part-time for a number of years while my 2 children were growing up and did not do this, having wrongly assumed that my marriage would last. It didn't (his abusive behaviour). I'm now in my 60s working full-time and trying to save as much as I can for a retirement in 7 years if I'm lucky.

I ended up being a SAHM because I couldn’t get a PT job in my field, so I lost out on wages and pension.
If I were you I’d continue PT and enjoy the time to yourself when the kids are at school.

@FrownedUpon

Working part time can be disastrous for your pension. Check your pension forecast & pay extra in if you need to.

I was about to say the same - and I think often part-time work is the worst of both worlds in that your spouse thinks you're available for all the domestic drudgery because you don't work FT, and your manager tries to get you to do FT work in PT hours (even unwittingly).

I hadn't realized your kids were all school age - in that case I definitely wouldn't be going down to PT.

I did a business studies degree when I left school but ended up doing CIMA accountancy exams. I think my 3 year degree exempted me from the first stage of four stages. At your age it might be better to decide what you actually want to do and then do the relevant professional qualifications. I’ve worked part time since having children. They are 20 and 18 now and I hope never to work full time again.

@StaceLay

What is the safest thing to do?

The safest thing to do is for you and your husband to both stay full time and share all childcare, housework and days off for childcare / sickness 50:50.

Or both go part time and share everything.

However it’s a bit late for you now OP. You are already doing less paid work and more unpaid than your husband, it will be hard to turn back the clock. Most men know how advantageous their situation is and will refuse to change it for your benefit.

So all you can do is get back full time now and / or retrain for a better career. And negotiate to get him to do half the other work. Which I suspect will be tough.

@StaceLay you asked me
Why did he have an affair did he tell you?

I was quite taken aback as you are the first person who has every asked me that, online or in real life. My ex husband had an affair for the exact same reason as they all do - his sense of entitlement.

He wanted to have his cake and eat it. To have an unpaid housekeeper / nanny / confidante/ someone to run his company / sex on demand at home AND all the fun and excitement of an illicit affair/ hotels / dinners / child free holidays/ ego boost.

He didn’t want what he has now - having to move house, doing his own housework, doing his own work admin, living alone, only occasional sex ( his affair partner still lives with her husband ), paying child support, losing half his pension and rarely seeing his kids ( they hate him for what he’s done ).

He has lost face within his social circle. That’s a big deal to someone like him with a huge ego.

I assume he’s also worried that his affair partner will end it or that her husband will find out. Or that someone will tell him.

So no he didn’t want that at all. But that’s where his cheating has got him.

A huge sense of entitlement is the only reason anyone has an affair . Because Any “reason” that’s bad enough to cheat is also bad enough to leave. But they don’t want to leave - they want marriage plus benefits.

There is no "should". A career is not obligatory. A career can form the majority of one's life. I could not be less interested. I focus on family and home and that makes me happy. I'm a nurturer, I support my husband's career because he wants a career. I work but I gig freelance and I'm skilled and enjoy my work but a career? Not interested and that's more than okay.

You shouldn't live to anyone's expectations but your own.

You want a career, lovely, but focusing on a career over focusing on family is bizarre. A career doesn't sit around your deathbed nor value you as the most important person on earth.

Family does that.

I've even gone down the career route. I have a degree, I began studying law too, and I have thought about a few other things also but each time I realised that I do not want to spend the majority of my life in work.

I want to spend the majority of my life with my child who is getting closer to adulthood every second, time and memories you cannot get back.

My family need me, value me, and love me. What on earth would I want to be at work for?!

Think about what YOU want and what you want to have done with your life when it's all about to be over.

@StaceLay

I think I feel a bit rubbish that I don’t have a ‘career’ as such to go through…I feel I should be more successful at this point in my life?

It seems like you're doing that thing where you try to live up to expectations of others?

I don't consider myself as having a career. Why don't I feel this way? Release yourself.

You are replaceable at work. You are not replaceable at home.