Looking for an honest appraisal here... I was discussing my childhood with a couple of friends last night... one seemed horrified at it, whilst the other said it was fairly normal and nothing to get worked up about. Would appreciate people's honest impressions and feedback.
Long story short.. I grew up in a typical lower middle-class household in a town in the north that's seen much better days. My dad grew up quite poor in a large family whereas my mother was raised as a single child by a single mom (her dad ran off with another woman when she was very young).
Both parents were quite distant - no hugs, kisses, and my dad was prone to bursts of anger e.g. when me or my brother caused a mess. Not all the time, just a few times a year, so it was hard to know what would set him off. This made me quite wary of him and hyper-alter to possible things that might set him off. The worst such incident was when in a rage he threw my favourite doll in the bin after I without thinking I walked through the house in muddy boots, leaving footprints everywhere. After each such outburst he would usually sulk in his room for several hours/a day, then emerge as if nothing had happened. Often he would later buy us toys, video games etc. as if to make up for it. My mom never once challenged him on this behaviour and in fact tried to placate him everytime it happened.
As you can imagine from her childhood my mom has fairly low self-esteem and is prone to depression. As far as I know my dad is the only man she ever dated. Neither of them had any close friends. The more I think about it the more it seems that she was absolutely unwilling risk the marriage in any way and end up alone, and so she put that above our needs. She also only had a poorly-paid part time clerking job in a local bank so she was probably financially dependent as well. Their marriage was based on quite a rigid gender divide on chores (mom did all the cooking and cleaning, dad the lawn, DIY, bills). To this day I don’t think my dad even knows how to make something simple like cheese on toast. They remain together seemingly out of habit and routine and mutual dependence.
That said I have quite a lot of nice memories from childhood – we weren’t rich by any means but we had annual holidays to Scotland, all the toys etc. we wanted, and they encouraged us to read, apply myself at school, visit museums etc. It was not horrific by any stretch of the imagination, as my friend pointed out (she was hit by her strict father on multiple occasions).
However when adolescence come round they seemed to completely lose interest tbh. It's as if now that we had a mind of our own and could no longer be 'bought off' with toys that they had no idea to deal with us. I received zero guidance or advice from them about the adult world. Literally none - they told me nothing about dating, sex, periods, money, jobs, personal hygiene, alcohol/drugs. I had to learn all of this by myself or via friends. My dad would often moan that me and my brother did nothing around the house, but when we offered to help or asked how to do things (e.g. how to mow the lawn) he would just dismiss us and say 'I'll do it - you'd only mess it up anyway'. His outbursts grew less frequent though he seemed to sink into apathy as we grew more and more distant. He hated his job (lower level manager at a local hospital) and was constantly moaning about it and guilt-tripping me and my brother (’10 more years of this as I’ve got to pay off this house you two live in’, ‘I’d be free of this burden if it wasn’t for you kids’ etc.). As far as I know he never once tried to change careers – he just grimly stuck with it down to retirement. There was probably also some resentment at mom’s part-time job and financial dependence on him.
My mom grew aimless as we grew more independent – the latter had to be fought for as she seemed determined to cling to the mother role (e.g. she insisted on bathing us until we 12, and bought all of our clothes until we were 16 - both of these only stopped when we forced it.). At the time I thought this was because she cared for us, but now I can’t help but feel it was more that she was unwilling to let go of the mother role as she had nothing to replace it with.
My brother reacted to all this by getting involved with the local ne’er-do-wells– drink, drugs, partying etc. I just withdrew almost completely. I taught myself most of the life lessons my parents had not imparted. One incident sticks in my mind: I was 17 and it was the first year I didn’t go on holiday to Scotland with them. Instead I went to Paris for a weekend with a friend (my first trip abroad). I didn’t tell them – I planned and booked it all (ferries, hotel etc.) on my own. I told them I was going a week before. The day of leaving I got up very early to get a bus to the local train station, to get the train to Dover, and my dad also got up and absolutely insisted on driving me there. I was furious – I was quite proud with myself for booking the whole trip independently and this seemed like a deliberate attempt to insinuate himself into ‘my’ thing, to make himself feel useful and needed and to try and take back some control, and I almost just walked out the door. My mom encouraged me to relent and I did and we all just sat in the car in mutual resentment as he drove me to the station.
This continued for years…. I then went to uni on the other side other country, and later moved to London, so I rarely see them. I don’t mind visiting now and again for a weekend but that’s it – any longer and all the old feelings come bubbling up. One trip my dad started getting all angry after I accidentally split a coffee on the table and (after cleaning it up) I told him in no uncertain terms that anymore of that and I'd be getting the next train back to London (which he accepted after sulking for an hour in his study). In many ways I feel sorry for my parents as they had difficult childhoods and so never gained the love or parenting skills they needed. My first couple of relationships were disasters as I ended with men quite similar to my father – distant, uncommunicative, prone to behaviour like sulking or passive-aggression etc. After a bout of therapy I learned why this was and am now happily with a kind, responsible and mature man who I would like to children with one day.
Note I am NOT looking for pity. I long ago accepted things that happened and moved on. As my friend said, things could have been a hell of a lot worse. She even said that in some ways my hyper-independence and lack of visiting is quite selfish.
However my other friend, who comes from a very close family, says that my family were deeply dysfunctional, neglectful and emotionally abusive.
I would like to know people's thoughts on all this. I'm torn between the two views but lack the objectivity to evaluate it fairly.