Low expectation of NR fathers

[AHungryCaterpillar]

I’m a single parent to 4, They have no contact with their father whatsoever, so they are with me full time, I have no help from family. I have to take them everywhere with me as they are not old enough to be left home alone. Recently been thinking about the possibility of their father having contact with them again (it was his decision not to) If he sees them he is wanting to only see them eow Saturday for the day, taking them out then returning them home a couple of hours later, where they go is up to them but he doesn’t live close enough to have them at his house so would need to be out for something to eat etc.

I’ve heard comments such as how will he manage with 4 children out on his own? Surely that is not my problem, I have to manage them all day every day on my own and they come everywhere with me even to the shops. They are not old enough to be left home alone like I said.

How will he afford to take 4 out? The same way I do? The half term has been so expensive trying to do activities to keep them busy, it will only be once a fortnight he is taking them out.

What about winter? Well I still take my kids out in the winter.

Surely eow Saturday will be cheaper than a full weekend or do dads that have their kids for the weekend just stay in the house all weekend with them? They must take them out...

Does it annoy anyone else that there is such a low expectation of fathers (even when it’s only the bare minimum) especially nrp fathers compared to mothers who are just expected to get on with it?

Who is spouting this rubbish?! It’s hilarious that people think he can’t handle the 4 children on his own. When it sounds like you do it every day @AHungryCaterpillar

Thank you. I thought it was just me then 😣 it’s views I’ve had said to me on MN but also in real life.

Yanbu at all. My ex used to regularly cancel because he "had a cold" or "was tired because he had other children as well". Or "can't afford to take them all to xyz". Not my fucking problem mate. I have to cope when I'm ill/tired/skint.

DC are teens now. And they know who grafted day in day out. They know.

Oh that was another one my ex cancelled anytime he was ill as well, even when it was a cold, he refused to see them at all during the pandemic because he didn’t want to catch it despite not being CEV and parents still being allowed to see their children.

My ex told the dc he really wanted to see them but that "Boris has made it illegal". Sadly for him the dc are teens and were old enough to know that wasn't true

@IstayedForTheFeminism

My ex told the dc he really wanted to see them but that "Boris has made it illegal". Sadly for him the dc are teens and were old enough to know that wasn't true

anything to get out of parenting!

It's sad isn't it I regularly get told my ex is "doing his best" I usually nod along I forgot myself one day and said if I treated my children like this I would be arrested for child neglect after we split up he and his family demanded I provided food for my fussy children I provided them with four slices of bread and a tin of spaghetti I even asked if they wanted me to buy them spread or could they manage? Between the three of them they shared one home owned outright three cars one campervan a motorbike etc they were all working and one also drew there private pension I was unemployed and struggling but still I was expected to provide food for tea

I was expected to provide everything nappies wipes potty or they wouldn't "potty train" him six hours contact a week and they whined about everything the best one was when I'm sat in a meeting at the school with children's services and the social worker said they were accusing me of sending them in dirty clothing how did I explain that? I said they are collected from school and nursery so ask them school and nursery confirmed that they started the day clean and presentable and whatever happened happened so then dad said surely then SHE needs to give me clothing to change them into everyone just stared at him and the social worker said no get your own NEXT POINT I almost liked her that day

Yep it’s so ingrained in society that it Will never change! I’m not surprised by any of that sadly Theunamedcat I was
Told on another group that at least he wants to see them as that’s better than a lot of dads 🙄, as if I should be grateful he wants to see them 2 hours a fortnight!

My only concern would be for the children. Will he take care of them? After a few months will he get fed up and cease contact? I totally agree he should do his share, but a deadbeat dad is a deadbeat dad.

Unfortunately he isn’t able to have them anymore due to his living arrangements and is also unable to see them more often as it’s 4 hours of travelling in one day so he won’t do that weekly. I’m fully aware I can’t make him step up anymore than he wants to so if this is the only contact he wants then I can’t make him see them more. He’s never wanted them overnight he’s happy to see them for the day.

Just make sure he is paying all the maintenance he should be.

Whenever anyone says wow he is doing something very basic, always reply i do it daily. Point out the misogyny whenever you can.

Unfortunately no maintenance which I’ve had to make peace with but it’s even more reason why people shouldn’t be concerned about how he will afford to take his kids out twice a month 😣 he’s not having to clothe them; pay for a roof over their head, shoes, clubs, school trips, hair cuts etc so he should have free money to take them out!

If he has a job, go via cms.

No he’s doesn’t work

Hmm yes. Cause he can’t have them any more due to his living arrangements, travelling, got a penis blah blah blah. Why feed into this this nonsense? You’re ultimately part of the problem.

NEWSFLASH we are all tired and not in the mood. But grown ups suck it up

Well can you advise how I can make him see them more or have them overnight because I can’t? But my children want to see their father so either he sees them like this or not at all... if you’ve got a suggestion how I can MAKE him have them at his I would be happy to hear it?

Erm? He wasn’t shit when we had children; he had a mental illness, sorry for not predicting that 🙄 always the woman that gets the blame hey

@NorthSouthcatlady Yes it's women's fault that men are shit.

Do fuck off dear, you clearly have no idea what it's like.

@IstayedForTheFeminism so the backstory was he impregnated her 4 times. She had no choice in it. People do have choices. But like to act like that they don’t and mindless end up where they are

You've posted a lot about your ex in the past OP but I don't remember you saying he was mentally ill. I think that changes everything really. I'm sorry you and him have had such a hard time.

Mental illness is a bugger and it's not easy on any family

Is he better now or still struggling?

Yes people do have choices. But my ex didn't turn into a useless shit and terrible father until he met his now wife. (And I'm not blaming her. Him being shit is on him)

At the time we had our 2 dc they were wanted, planned and very much loved by both of us. I didnt have 2 dc knowing he was a shit parent. I very much doubt op did either.

Our children were planned but thanks; people get ill and that can’t be predicted and yes I have posted about his illness before, he has schizophrenia, sorry but no I didn’t predict that. It caused him to have lot of thoughts around me and he blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life. He cut contact with me and the children because of his “beliefs”