Low expectation of NR fathers

[AHungryCaterpillar]

I’m a single parent to 4, They have no contact with their father whatsoever, so they are with me full time, I have no help from family. I have to take them everywhere with me as they are not old enough to be left home alone. Recently been thinking about the possibility of their father having contact with them again (it was his decision not to) If he sees them he is wanting to only see them eow Saturday for the day, taking them out then returning them home a couple of hours later, where they go is up to them but he doesn’t live close enough to have them at his house so would need to be out for something to eat etc.

I’ve heard comments such as how will he manage with 4 children out on his own? Surely that is not my problem, I have to manage them all day every day on my own and they come everywhere with me even to the shops. They are not old enough to be left home alone like I said.

How will he afford to take 4 out? The same way I do? The half term has been so expensive trying to do activities to keep them busy, it will only be once a fortnight he is taking them out.

What about winter? Well I still take my kids out in the winter.

Surely eow Saturday will be cheaper than a full weekend or do dads that have their kids for the weekend just stay in the house all weekend with them? They must take them out...

Does it annoy anyone else that there is such a low expectation of fathers (even when it’s only the bare minimum) especially nrp fathers compared to mothers who are just expected to get on with it?

Well if he's a great bloke and this is all down to schizophrenia, then why are you pissed off at people wondering if he will cope with them for the day? And why are you starting a thread about deadbeat dads when this is about someone becoming seriously mentally unwell?

Taking them out for a few hours on a Saturday doesn’t have to be expensive. He can make sandwiches for them at home and bring a picnic for their outing. There were three of us growing up on 1 income (1 SAHP) and we did not have the money to eat out every weekend. So my parents took us places that were free and took a picnic. Then petrol is the only cost.
If you live in a big city and these outings need to use public transport then the many parks and the free entry museums are the places to go.

Porcupineintherough you’re missing my point, I was explaining why we had 4 kids not that I should have to and that he wasn’t a useless and dead beat dad UNTIL after he left me due to his MH problems, which forgive me for not having a crystal ball to predict that, I found the comment yesterday disgusting trying to shame me for “banging out” 4 kids and reported it to MN as a personal attack but clearly MN have seen no issue with it as they have decided to leave it up, a site by parents for parents? Really? His mental illness was a long time ago. It is not an excuse for any of his behaviour since. It was FIVE years ago, none of that is an excuse for how he has treated his children in the last 5 years which he has been better and medicated for at least half of that time now. He has barely bothered with them since we split but he was not like that BEFORE we split otherwise I wouldn’t have “banged out” 4 kids, well I’m proud of raising 4 kids on my own, I’m sure many people wouldn’t cope raising 4 kids solo. It’s not some kind of moral failing to be a single mum to 4 so that poster can fuck right off with her nasty judgement. My post was about how little dads have to do to be praised as if they are dad of the year whereas mums are expected to just get on with it. Wasn’t expecting to me shamed for having 4 children.

I've had the same.
In fact I even had my kids dad asking me to leave my house and money to him in. My will as then he'll have the kids and how will he cope without me sorting all this out.
I said that actually the house and everything will be sold and money will go into trust for the kids til they're 18, up until then they'd be his problem. They're his bloody kids!!!

It grates that people think NR dads are so incapable and consistently need help when we get fuck all. In point of fact, now I write it down, maybe they're right. They are bloody useless after all.

he’s not having to clothe them; pay for a roof over their head, shoes, clubs, school trips, hair cuts etc so he should have free money to take them out!

You should be entitled to benefits to pay for the above.

@LouB76

he’s not having to clothe them; pay for a roof over their head, shoes, clubs, school trips, hair cuts etc so he should have free money to take them out!

You should be entitled to benefits to pay for the above.

So that means the father shouldn’t pay maintenance 🙄🤦🏻 This site 🤣

It grates that people think NR dads are so incapable and consistently need help when we get fuck all.

Unless you're a high earner then there are several child related benefits you can claim. Have a look at turn2us or entitledto. It certainly isn't "fuck all".

@AHungryCaterpillar

No it doesn't mean that the father shouldn't pay maintenance. In fact I'd be in favour of stricter penalties for those fathers who don't pay. However the father of your children doesn't / can't work and you can't get blood out of a stone.

Of course you couldn't predict he'd get schizophrenia OP, ignore the previous poster.

But mental illness is very tough on all concerned, even with medication. I hope things get better for you all.

[quote LouB76]@AHungryCaterpillar

No it doesn't mean that the father shouldn't pay maintenance. In fact I'd be in favour of stricter penalties for those fathers who don't pay. However the father of your children doesn't / can't work and you can't get blood out of a stone. [/quote]
He gets money (cash in hand) but that’s a whole other thread. My point anyway was that as he doesn’t pay maintenance he should have that money to take them out.

I think the ‘he’s got schizophrenia and is unable to work’ information is crucial here.

Of course people are asking you is he can cope with 4 children. There are very good reasons for thinking he might not be able to and that the children won’t be safe with him (because of his ‘beliefs’).

I don’t think peoples expectations of NR fathers is lower than of men in general though. It’s just that their lack of contribution is less immediately obvious when they’re living with the kids doing very little than when it manifests as just not seeing them.

No my other post didn’t mention he’s Mental illness, I was asking for contact experiences with the NRP seeing the kids eow, I never mentioned his MH issues as that’s been under control for the last couple of years now so the comments weren’t based on that. That’s when I got comments “how will he manage to take 4 out” “how will he afford it” his mental health issues was from 5 years ago, plenty of parents have MH problems and see their kids.

His*

@NorthSouthcatlady my best friends husband was amazing, kind, thoughtful. Ran the youth group at the church, on the parish council.
Then he met someone else and turned into a vengeful shit who amongst other things denied paternity of both his DC, left jobs as soon as the CSA found him, then went abroad to avoid paying maintenance. He even took his 11 week old DC pram because he wanted to sell it and take half the money.
Was my dear friend to blame because she didnt have a crystal ball ?

If he’s barely seen them and has little experience of hands on parenting… he probably will struggle with 4.

That’s the consequence of him having been a useless father. And a pragmatic consideration - will it benefit the children to be subjected to that?

As I said, I don’t think (in the abstract) the bad is lower for NR fathers. It’s just that all the work you do doesn’t hide his lack of contribution any longer.

@TracyMosby

Just make sure he is paying all the maintenance he should be.

Whenever anyone says wow he is doing something very basic, always reply i do it daily. Point out the misogyny whenever you can.

This x

NorthSouthcatlady you are being an arse.

@AHungryCaterpillar

No my other post didn’t mention he’s Mental illness, I was asking for contact experiences with the NRP seeing the kids eow, I never mentioned his MH issues as that’s been under control for the last couple of years now so the comments weren’t based on that. That’s when I got comments “how will he manage to take 4 out” “how will he afford it” his mental health issues was from 5 years ago, plenty of parents have MH problems and see their kids.

his mental health issues was from 5 years ago, plenty of parents have MH problems and see their kids

Of course they do and plenty of others can't. Also, (as with a family member of mine) it can depend on how they're coping at various times.

Schizophrenia is a very complicated mental illness that sadly can't be cured, and there are times when sufferers will 'mask' to prevent people knowing how they really are.

It's just bloody awful OP, you have my sympathy

[quote Sundancerintherain]@NorthSouthcatlady my best friends husband was amazing, kind, thoughtful. Ran the youth group at the church, on the parish council.
Then he met someone else and turned into a vengeful shit who amongst other things denied paternity of both his DC, left jobs as soon as the CSA found him, then went abroad to avoid paying maintenance. He even took his 11 week old DC pram because he wanted to sell it and take half the money.
Was my dear friend to blame because she didnt have a crystal ball ?[/quote]
It’s not unheard of for the publicly ‘amazing’ types like this to have been using all their good works as family responsibility avoidance (the kind their wife can’t complain about too).

He is clearly a shit. I’d ask if the kids would be ok with a man who decides to sell his 11 week old’s pram because he doesn’t want his wife benefitting from half the cost of it. It suggests he’s a shit father.

Honestly some of these replies! How does anyone know what kind of Father a partner will be until he becomes one FFS! This lady has not "banged out" 4 kids on her own ! He is a shit Dad pure and simple .My friends DP expected her to work shifts and didnt work himself! When she had got fed up of this shit and kicked him out ,he had DC O/N .Found out he was giving teenagers of 12 and 14 cigarettes! Never any proper food though. WTF? I never understand what their parents think of their Sons behaviour . Should be ashamed !

Ignore anyone who has a go...it's more a reflection on them than you.

My mother once upset a relative with a similar "how will he manage?" comment when the deadbeat dad was taking 3 kids out for a day.

She told me it was a legitimate concern given that he was a selfish, barely functioning immature twat, who can't hold down a job, a clueless f*** who the kids would have been better off without. That he could hardly look after himself let alone 3 children.

She was 100% criticising him but none of us interpreted it that way initially.

Thanks to the more supportive posters, honestly I was shocked last night but just goes to show the hate and stigma towards single parents is still very much alive and kicking, like there is an acceptable amount of children for a single parents to have?! Is that one? Two? I guess anymore than 2 and it’s our own fault for banging them out, should have known better 🙄 when I said he doesn’t have to pay for anything for them I was pointing to the fact that as he won’t be having them over night or for the weekend he won’t have any added expenses that a dad that does will, he won’t have to provide beds for them, clothes, toys, breakfast, lunch, dinner.. regardless of what “benefits” 😑 I get for them he would still need to provide for them when it’s his weekends which he won’t be having to do so a trip to McDonald’s once a fortnight is going to be costing him much less than having them for a full weekend, on top of not paying any maintenance.

I think he's sensible to start with taking them out EOW if he hasn't had them for quite some time OP and I'm sure you'd prefer that too until you're confident he can cope (as he probably will).

And to be fair, he's not responsible for what other people say. If he wants to take them out, he'll manage to do that and feed them too no doubt.

He will never have them anymore due to his living arrangements making that impossible. That’s something he is unwilling to change and tbh I would rather my kids weren’t there as it’s not appropriate.

Exactly, so I'm sure EOW will be fine. He'll cope OP so don't bother listening to the people doubting that.