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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt over this?

49 replies

Itwasntmeright · 16/04/2022 12:33

This is all rather childish imo but it has left me feeling quite upset.

Background: I went to a lesbian meet up with my friend a few months ago. I bought another one of the attendees a drink because I was going to the bar. I’ve never met this other attendee before and haven’t seen her since, and I have never intimated to my friend that I like this woman in the slightest. My friend asked me whether I liked her shortly after the event, and I said that she seemed nice enough but probably wasn’t my type, that is the sum total of conversation we have had about this woman, and that was ages ago.

The other night we were messaging, just chatting, and my friend said that she’d put in a word for me with this woman. I asked her what she meant and she said that she’d told her that I like her, and that she could vouch for me being a decent sort.

I was rather shocked, like I have said above, I’ve never mentioned this woman since the event and certainly never given the impression that I like her, so this completely blindsided me. I am a 40 year old woman, I’m not a teenager, and I was rather put out that she’d randomly told another woman, who I don’t even know and I’ve never shown any interest in, that I like her. Even if I did like her, I would approach her myself, I do not want my friends to be intermediaries.

I told my friend that she needed to message this woman back and say that she had made an error, and that none of this had come from me, and I was a little bit put out that sheet told her that. I wasn’t nasty, I just told her straight out that I was confused and a bit annoyed as I’d never mention this woman even. I think what worried me is that this woman is a part of a large meet up group who I’ve only met a couple of times. They all know each other but none of them know me, and I didn’t want this being talked about in case it made any meet up in the future awkward. I don’t get to attend these meet ups often but I do enjoy them, and I didn’t want it to be compromised, and quite frankly I don’t want people thinking I’m The sort of childish person who gets my mates to ask people out on my behalf. My friend agreed and said that she’d messaged and relayed what I’d said.

I messaged this woman myself just to say that I think my friend had got confused somehow and that it hadn’t come from me, and I felt a bit embarrassed so to please disregard. She responded that she’s not really took much notice of it, and that she’s a private person and wouldn’t talk so don’t worry. We exchanged a few pleasantries over message and all was fine. It was all perfectly friendly and civil, no slagging off, all very mature.

I went on messenger the next morning to tell my friend that I’d sorted things out with this woman and everything was fine and she’d blocked me.

It really upset me, as far as I’m concerned I didn’t do anything wrong, the whole thing came right out of the blue and I don’t think I was unreasonable to be a little bit put out. I wasn’t angry with her or nasty with her, I was just confused and a bit WTF? As far as I was concerned it was all dealt with, we would have been laughing about it, but instead she’s blocked me and I’m left feeling rather hurt and confused.

This wasn’t me was it? I mean I don’t think it was, but I’m always second-guessing myself. I may have slightly overreacted but it shocked me and I felt embarrassed, but I didn’t cause the situation and I wasn’t nasty about it. I guess I’m just looking for a bit of reassurance, and if I did handle it badly, what should I have done instead?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 16/04/2022 12:39

No this is not you.

This person felt the need to make up shit and stick her nose into your business.

Don't be one bit surprised at her reaction to you not being impressed.

It is consistent.

She is an immature twat.

Leave her off.
Flowers

Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 16/04/2022 12:41

Just to add, my friend said that she thought I liked her because I bought her a drink. I said I was just being nice, and I’d bought her a drink because I was going to the bar. She was the only one who seemed not to be going to the bar who had finished her drink so I offered to get her one. To be honest I’ve completely forgotten about that. I also said that I’ve bought her, my friend, drinks as well, buying a drink doesn’t mean anything. I mean, it’s not reasonable to infer I like someone just because I bought them a drink, surely? And it’s even more unreasonable to tell that person, several months later, apropos of absolutely nothing, that I do.

I told you this was all very childish

OP posts:
pictish · 16/04/2022 12:44

It’s not you. Your friend got carried away, created an awkward situation unasked and is now mad at you because she feels stupid.

pictish · 16/04/2022 12:46

Don’t contact her to appease her. She owes you an apology. If she’d sooner cut you out than issue one, you certainly don’t need to be chasing her up. She’s no loss.

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 12:46

She is extremely immature and she had no business doing what she did.

It was frankly moronic.

She is having a tantrum.
Don't be surprised if she comes back after she calms down.

She is a twat, and now you know.

Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 16/04/2022 12:51

Yes, I’m not impressed with her response. I wasn’t impressed with her behaviour but if she’d dealt with it like a grown up we have been laughing about it by now, but instead she’s thrown a strop and blocked me.

I hate this sort of thing because it demeans me. This is not the sort of behaviour I would ever engag in, and I’ve never given her any reason to think it is. I find it embarrassing when people involve me in it. It’s the sort of thing that happens in the school playground, not with adult women.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 16/04/2022 12:52

Sorry for typos

OP posts:
billy1966 · 16/04/2022 13:13

This is all on her.

Don't take any responsibility for it.

She made a tit of herself in front of you AND the other woman.

Self important tit is what most people would think when faced with this behaviour.

I'd be cringing for HER.

Be glad you know.

Someone so stupid could be a weapon with your business.

If she comes back, be breezy, disinterested and unavailable.

VerifiedBot2351 · 16/04/2022 13:25

I think your reaction is a little over the top to be honest!

Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 16/04/2022 13:26

Well evidently she’s not much of a friend. If I’d made a mistake I’d apologise and try to sort it out, not storm off in a huff. Rationally I know this, but I’ve been a bit low and lonely lately so this has upset me more than it should. I moved to a new area two years ago and I’ve found it difficult to make friends, it seems to be difficult to make friends as an adult, plus I have a disability that makes it extra hard to get out and meet people. I thought I’d made a friend but then this happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 16/04/2022 13:28

@VerifiedBot2351 can you expand on that? I’m interested to hear different perspectives.

OP posts:
VerifiedBot2351 · 16/04/2022 13:30

I think there was no need for your friend to message the woman, and you didn’t need to either. Fair enough, tell your friend that she is mistaken and that you don’t like the woman, but all the messaging is very immature and drama-creating.

drpet49 · 16/04/2022 13:30

* Just to add, my friend said that she thought I liked her because I bought her a drink.*

^I would think the same as your friend. After all who buys a complete stranger a drink???

TheRossatron · 16/04/2022 13:32

I don't think you're over reacting at all OP. Blocking for petty reasons like that is extremely hurtful and immature. She'll be back, when she is tell her to fuck off x

tirednewmumm · 16/04/2022 13:34

Sorry I agree op you made this into a huge thing and embarrassed you're friend!

She had put in a good word for you under a misapprehension, fine, no big deal. If the woman had made contact with you then you could have messaged and said it was an error.

You forced your friend to message her then messaged her yourself as well. You're friend probably felt like a dick and the poor woman had it really hammered home that you DON'T LIKE HER. All a bit daft really could have just told your friend you didn't appreciate her getting involved and left it there

VerifiedBot2351 · 16/04/2022 13:37

That poor woman. Having perhaps been a bit thrilled at being bought a drink by someone, and then having been told that someone likes her, has now been told that it was a mistake and the ‘admirer’ definitely doesn’t like her, she then gets messages directly from the ‘admirer’ to confirm that she, for certain, does not like her. I feel for her.

Viviennemary · 16/04/2022 13:40

You are in the wrong here. Why did you buy a random woman a drink. Somebody you have never met before. Thats not usual and would indicate you want to be friends or would be interested in beginning a relationship. You need to learn the rules to avoid further embarrassment.

Original poster
Itwasntmeright · 16/04/2022 14:22

I’m interested that people think buying someone a drink is a demonstration of interest. A bunch of us with empty glasses got up to go to the bar, the only one who had an empty glass who didn’t get up was this woman, who I’d just been chatting to. I asked her if she wanted a drink and she accepted. She offered to buy me one back later but I declined as I had to leave soon. I have never met or spoken to her since, and this was a few months ago. I’d completely forgotten about it until I was reminded the other night. In straight world it might be the rule that you don’t buy someone a drink unless you’re interested in them, but I am not aware of that being a thing amongst women. I have bought and have been bought drinks bye many women who I’ve only met once and this has never been a thing. It sounds like a ridiculous rule and one I don’t need to learn, and it never would have been an issue if my friend hadn’t randomly decided to message her, months later, and tell her I like her.

Yes I could’ve shrugged it off and ignored it, it probably would’ve been better, but it really caught me out. I didn’t cause this situation and I didn’t ask my friend to message this woman, we never even spoke about her apart from our very brief conversation after the event where I said she seemed nice enough but probably not somebody I would be interested in. It completely blindsided me.

Conversation went like this: her, ‘I’ve messaged A to put in a word for you and told her you like her.’
Me: ‘what, I’ve never said I liked her.’
Her: ‘oh, I thought you did. Well she said no anyway.’

I somehow doubt she felt bad or rejected.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 16/04/2022 15:57

You certainly didnt mention in your opening post you had been chatting to this women. It read as if you approached a complete stranger and offered to buy them a drink. You need to be more aware of the subtleties of interaction. Both you and your friend seem totally clueless. This poor woman.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2022 16:03

Weird. Why would your friend do this? You’re not 12!

Stomacharmeleon · 16/04/2022 17:04

Personally I think you have massively over thought this and made yourself look stupid.

rahjama · 16/04/2022 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Blossomtoes · 16/04/2022 17:19

@Viviennemary

You are in the wrong here. Why did you buy a random woman a drink. Somebody you have never met before. Thats not usual and would indicate you want to be friends or would be interested in beginning a relationship. You need to learn the rules to avoid further embarrassment.
Wtf? 🙄
drpet49 · 16/04/2022 17:20

** You look like an idiot. I wouldn't expect an invite to another meet up. You've completely embarrassed yourself and your friend. There was no need to message this poor woman and make sure she KNOWS you don't fancy her. What a confidence knock.

I wouldn't want you as my friend if you felt the need to do that. It's come across as quite nasty. This woman would have gotten the message that you don't fancy her just by you not contacting her/messaging her/flirting with her. No need to message her with the explicit purpose of telling her you don't fancy her. What a slap in the face. You sound like a dick.**

^This.

WomanStanleyWoman · 16/04/2022 17:25

Is it possible your friend is annoyed because you asked her to clarify things with this woman, but then messaged her yourself anyway? Maybe she feels like you didn’t trust her to sort it.

I’m not saying she should be annoyed, by the way. She could have saved herself from any issues by not playing the school playground ‘My friend fancies yooooo’ game in the first place.