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Original poster

To ask about bed times for teens

48 replies

PurpleThistles · 16/04/2022 10:46

Yes bedtimes are also erratic along with screen time in my other thread. I know this can vary a lot but I'm sure midnight is not the norm. It's been a combination of some additional needs, an additional needs toddler, lots of time off school and lazy parenting. For context I have a 12,13,15 and 17 yo. They get up for school at 7am.

Could I have school day bed times, weekend bed times and school holiday bedtimes please. To complicate matters the 12 and 13 share a room as do the 15 and 17. The 12 year old is ASD and will not go to sleep without his brother.

I know this is shitty parenting on my behalf but I want to sort it out.

OP posts:
Whatswrongwithakipper · 16/04/2022 11:15

We have holiday/weekend bedtimes and school bedtimes. My 2 are similar ages to your 13 and 12 year old and it’s 9pm on school nights (no screens after 8pm to help them to chill out) and at weekend it’s 10pm but they can watch movies/t in bed until 11 - but only if they are in bed with no messing around by 10

FfeminyddCymraeg · 16/04/2022 11:25

14yo DD and she goes to bed about 11ish on school nights and god knows when in the holidays.

She gets up 6.30 am for school and honestly, she’s at an age where enforcing a bedtime seems a bit much.

She’s absolutely nocturnal though, as I was at her age (she’s still asleep now, for example) but she does really well in school and I don’t have to rouse her in the morning so I’m pretty chilled about it.

My 10yo DS goes to bed at 9.30 ish in the week and probably 11 ish in the holidays. He doesn’t have to get up for school until 7.30 though.

AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 11:27

What strategies do you have to enable the 12 to go to sleep without his brother? Because that seems very unfair to me.

Cocomarine · 16/04/2022 11:39

My 14yo has complete control over bedtime.
She chooses 21:30 generally but absolute cut off of 22:00 on a school night, with 06:00 rise.

Weekends and holidays - varies a lot, but it would be rare to be later than 23:00 unless friends around. She’d then be awake 07:30.

And straight onto a screen, if that helps you feel better 😉

I’m not suggesting every teen can self regulate - this seems to be her personality- so I’m sharing it as an example of what works for her without adult intervention.

She’s always full of energy and alert.

Aprilx · 16/04/2022 11:43

I don’t have children, but I was a teenager once and I am just about certain by this age bedtimes are not set by parents!

RedskyThisNight · 16/04/2022 11:48

They choose their own bedtimes. As long as they get up for school on time and are not exhausted we let them get on with it.

Younger teens (up to 15) were expected not to be out later than 9pm on school nights and 11pm otherwise.

Fudgeball · 16/04/2022 11:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/04/2022 11:51

12/13 was no screens after 9.30 pm iirc, but read as long as he needed to.

Weekends was whenever he wanted to.

TabbyMcTatBuskersCat · 16/04/2022 11:52

I send my ten and thirteen year olds up around 9.30. Youngest has to settle down to sleep then. Oldest is nocturnal so as long as she's in bed I just let her go to sleep when she wants. It's often near midnight. She tends to read on her phone at night. Both go to bed whenever they want during holidays.

Honestly, don't beat yourself up. Sounds like your kids have fairly normal bedtimes xx

DoggoShark · 16/04/2022 11:53

My kids are 14 and 18, but they have both decided when they go to bed for a long time now. When they’ve got school/college they’re sensible and in bed by 11pm ish, sometimes the older one is later now but obviously he’s an adult anyway. Weekends and holidays, we are often asleep before them. I hear them at 2am sometimes playing video games and making food in the holidays.

SendARavenToRiverRun · 16/04/2022 11:59

I've got a 14 and 17 year old. They choose their own bedtimes. They both get up early and never have any problems with school work. In the holidays they're often up far later than me and DH. It's no big deal. As long as nothing suffers for it.

Original poster
PurpleThistles · 16/04/2022 12:03

@AchillesPoirot it basically means my 12 year old stays up later to 13 year olds time. It's not ideal and I have tried many things but nothing has worked. The 12 year old has always had sleep issues, he struggles with night time anxiety. We have tried things like weighted blankets, white noise, a good wind down period, tent over his bed, staying with him but none have had much of an effect for long. We are waiting for a sleep referral but due to COVID waiting times are long. Sometimes the 12 year old sleeps on the couch as long as I sleep on the other one. I do that periodically because I know it's unfair on my 13 year old.

OP posts:
millymolls · 16/04/2022 12:06

I have a near 14 yo and a 15 yr old

They get up for school at 7

They don’t have bedtimes. They go to bed when they chose - generally 11-12 during school time and as long as

  1. they get up without trouble
  2. homework done
  3. not getting into trouble at schools with tiredness/grumpiness/poor behaviour

Etc then I’m not fussed
No way would mine go at 9 or anything

Mine are both sporty and most evenings we are out found various sports and not getting home till nearly 10pm anyway

AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 12:06

I’m sorry for you all.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 16/04/2022 12:09

@Aprilx maybe when you were a teenager you weren't online with your mates gaming and shouting into a headset. As we are in bed ourselves relatively early I want to ensure Ds has remembered to set the house alarm.

Mine don't really change their times so Ds2 is almost 16 in year 11. His bed time is 10.45pm but he is up at 6.45am on a weekday, straight into a shower and is in good humour. On a weekend is up between 6am and 7am and heads straight downstairs to go online and get breakfast. He showers at 9am. Always has.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 16/04/2022 12:13

Would it help if the 12 year old swapped who he shares a room with or is it that particular brother he wants to share with? Ds1 needed more sleep than Ds2 but they didn't share a room. There is a 3 year age gap and they went to bed at the same time. Wound down in their rooms, Ds2 drops straight off whereas Ds1 takes around 20-30 minutes as he cannot shut his brain off.

CircusBaby · 16/04/2022 12:17

I don't do set bedtimes after 12 years old, I think it's important they learn to self regulate and it's worked so far.

Original poster
PurpleThistles · 16/04/2022 12:19

@OnTheBenchOfDoom if it was possible I would do that in a heart beat but unfortunately we are overcrowded. DH and I sleep in a partitioned part of the lounge, the baby has a little box room, then my two girls share a room and the two boys. Because of the ages the girls can't share with the boys so there just isn't any other option but to move which we and they don't want to do and as we are council we could be waiting a long time for a larger house to become available by which time my 17 and 15 year old will probably be moving out. My 15 year old is nearly 16 and they both intend on college/university. That would free up a bedroom where we could look at options again. We are considering getting a cheap little caravan that could be used by the 14 year old when he wants time out.

OP posts:
DeckTheHallsWithGin · 16/04/2022 12:21

Mine go to bed when they want as long as they’re getting up in time for whatever they have to do the next day. They have to learn to self regulate at some point. I would step in if the mornings became a problem. As above- not fair to expect one child to always be with their sibling at bedtime.

ManateeFair · 16/04/2022 12:23

I don’t think I had a ‘bedtime’ as a teenager. Like most teenagers I spent a lot of time in my room anyway so I wasn’t downstairs keeping the household awake, I’d be in my room watching telly or reading or making a scrapbook of my favourite bands or painting my nails black or something and I just went to bed when I was ready.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 16/04/2022 12:25

I don’t set bedtimes (11 and 14), it depends how they feel / what’s on TV (usually football, wouldn’t dream of forcing them to miss the second half or whatever) and when they are tired.

Reading your own body clock is part of growing up. I only step in if I notice lack of energy / redness / poor mood and then it’s an encouraging ‘you might feel better after an early night, let’s go at the same time tonight as I need one too’ or similar.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 16/04/2022 12:26

Tiredness not redness

MermaidEyes · 16/04/2022 12:28

@Aprilx

I don’t have children, but I was a teenager once and I am just about certain by this age bedtimes are not set by parents!

Indeed. I have a 15 and 18 year old. I go to bed before they do. They need to learn to regulate their own bodies well before they get to university age.

Gruffalogrinch · 16/04/2022 12:29

I have a 14 year old and she constantly tells me bedtime is too early. I will rethink this. What do you all do re screens? I would be fine with her going later but I don’t want her to have her phone or ipad in her room or she would be on them all night!

AlexaShutUp · 16/04/2022 12:32

Have never enforced bedtimes on my teen dd. She is old enough to manage this for herself in my view. However, if kids are sharing a room, I think they need to negotiate this between them so that they reach a reasonable compromise.