To ask about bed times for teens

[PurpleThistles]

Yes bedtimes are also erratic along with screen time in my other thread. I know this can vary a lot but I'm sure midnight is not the norm. It's been a combination of some additional needs, an additional needs toddler, lots of time off school and lazy parenting. For context I have a 12,13,15 and 17 yo. They get up for school at 7am.

Could I have school day bed times, weekend bed times and school holiday bedtimes please. To complicate matters the 12 and 13 share a room as do the 15 and 17. The 12 year old is ASD and will not go to sleep without his brother.

I know this is shitty parenting on my behalf but I want to sort it out.

My 12yo is autistic. Bed at 9pm or thereabouts, 10pm at the weekend/holidays.

16yo & 18yo go to bed by 11pm on week nights, often similar over weekends because they work. 18yo self regulates effectively, 16yo sometimes needs a period of suggesting he goes to bed earlier. I don’t mind them staying up late, unless they a)need hassling to get out of bed or b) get tetchy through lack of sleep.

I say this gently - I would try and wean the 12yo off needing the 13yo there to go to sleep. The most loving of siblings will get fed up with that eventually.

12/13 - 9pm 15-10pm 17 11pm on school nights.

One hour later on non school nights for younger 3 , no restrictions on 17 year old.

Do people really have bedtimes for their teens?!

What happened to taking responsibility for your own sleep pattern and preparing to be an adult?!

And bedtimes for kids who are almost adults - I’d have laughed if my mum tried to give me a bedtime at 17!

My 14 year old DD goes to bed at 11 on school nights and whenever she wants during hols, I leave her to it in hols as I can't be bothered with monitoring it!

My 17 yr old does not have a bedtime, we say not to be on the PC too late and that's it,

Mine are 17 and 19 and I have been letting them get on with it themselves for years.

The 19yo needs much more sleep than the 17yo.

It sounds like very difficult circumstances OP. You sound anything but lazy.

I was at boarding school in mixed age dorms and the rule was lights out 9.45 for 12-16 year olds. Younger end were meant to be in bed and reading by 9 but this was only loosely followed. Sixth form weren't policed but you'd get a look in and a "shouldn't you be packing up now" if you were still up past 10.30. No TV for anyone after 9pm.

I'm not saying it was perfect, but it was a reasonable compromise that worked for most people, most of the time. My own children have lights off a bit earlier.

Mine are 13 and 16 and they decide their own bedtimes. As long as they’re getting up ok for school I don’t mind what time.

I didn't have a bedtime beyond the age of about 12-13 years old. I was normally in my room by 9-10pm but rarely slept before midnight.

I honestly can't imagine trying to give a 17yo a bedtime

If the 12yo can't sleep without someone there, can't that "someone" be you or your DH? That's so much pressure on a 13yo - what happens when he wants to stay at a friends or something?

As soon as mine became teenagers hey had control of their bedtime.

All I asked is that they were in their rooms for 9.30pm.

Dd chose to go to bed straight away, ds would stay awake till midnight. As long as both were able to get up at 7am for school they they had full control.

I should clarify when my teens have a bedtime it just means when they come upstairs. I don't police their sleep. DS2 usually reads for a bit. They learned to self regulate in primary school.

@Gruffalogrinch

I have a 14 year old and she constantly tells me bedtime is too early. I will rethink this. What do you all do re screens? I would be fine with her going later but I don’t want her to have her phone or ipad in her room or she would be on them all night!

At that age devices charge downstairs overnight. Some parents have an "off screens" cutoff time.

@2pinkginsplease

As soon as mine became teenagers hey had control of their bedtime.

All I asked is that they were in their rooms for 9.30pm.

Dd chose to go to bed straight away, ds would stay awake till midnight. As long as both were able to get up at 7am for school they they had full control.

Our system is pretty much like that.

My 13 year olds go upstairs 9pm on a school night (usually in bed by 930, 10 at the latest). School holidays/ weekends upstairs at 10pm. They always have the option to read but no electrical items.
17 year old up to him however knows not to be grumpy if stayed up late and also I've taught him how to self regulate. He seems to go to bed about 11pm if college work next day, but about 1am if not.
I'd also say it depends on the individual child. My Dts need differing amounts of sleep, also ones a morning person and gets up early (and would go to bed later if they didn't get up so early).

I don't set my 17 and 15 year old a bedtime, as they get on alright, however my 15 year old has a mental health worker who was telling her to get more sleep and indicated I should be making this happen.

The 13 and 12 year old, I have tried letting them self regulate but also been met with poor morning attitudes for school etc. I think it's all screen related though, if I take screens out my 13 year old is asleep at a decent time but my 12 year old will have me up and down the stairs not settling and going about the house etc. If I insist he stays in bed, he ends up crying and waking the rest of them up, but I also need sleep because I have to be up and dealing with the toddler. It's really difficult.

Two nearly 13 up’s

9-9.30 termtime
10pm hols
No screens after 9

School nights:

10 & (nearly) 12 year olds: no personal screens allowed after 7:30pm (phones / tablets). Both are in their own rooms ready for bed by 8pm and can read, colour in etc as they wish. 10 year old has lights out by 8:30. 12 year old can turn light out whenever but is usually asleep by 9pm. They have to get up at 7. Some nights, they do clubs that finish later but this is the expectation if they are home.

Weekends / holidays. Both in bed by 9 unless we're doing something specific (e.g movie night or if we go out).

I’d have thought it was a little late at their ages to start trying to enforce a bedtime if you’ve never done it before. But i would say it’s fine (sensible even) to have separate weekday and weekend bedtime.

We abandoned bed time rules when youngest were 14 because the older 2 were too old for bedtime, and the younger two were always in bed before then anyway! 15YO go to bed around 9:30, 16YO goes 10:30-12:30 depending how tired she is and whether she has to get up the next day. 18YO typically goes at 11-11:30. They all get themselves up and ready the following morning too.

15 and 17 here. As long as they get up for school/work, do their homework and carry on doing well at school then I leave them to it. They're both usually asleep by 11ish on a school night. No idea when they sleep during the holidays but they're both mostly up by 11. No screen limits either. It works for us and they both know when they need an earlier night

@AchillesPoirot

I’m sorry for you all.

Why