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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re lack of empathy

34 replies

fffffeeeedddduupp · 16/04/2022 10:34

I got upset yesterday it could be hormones I don't know. But basically I feel like none of my clothes ever look right or go together . We can't afford new clothes at moment. We were going out and I got frustrated. I went downstairs upset dh gave me a cuddle and said I look lovely which was nice. I tried to explain why I was upset and he said well but clothes if it's that bad. I said I wouldn't do that and tried again to explain why I was upset. Dh interrupted me and said I was being over the top and referenced Ukraine. Now I totally agree that feeling unattractive is a first world problem but I felt like he was trying to shut me up. The whole conversation was only a few minutes so it wasn't like I'd being complaining all day. And if I can't talk to him about the small stuff who can I? I told him I felt like he was silcencing me and he shouted and swore saying "are we having a nice fucking day out or not" and stormed out the room. Aibu?

OP posts:

NoodleNuts · 16/04/2022 10:49

YABU. He shouldn't have shouted and sworn at you but I can see why he would be getting frustrated.

You must have bought the clothes in the first place so why buy things that dont look right or that don't go together and then get upset about it?

tealandteal · 16/04/2022 10:50

Sounds like a complete over reaction on his part, is he usually like this?

SScoobiedoo · 16/04/2022 10:52

You need to explain that you don't really want a discussion you want to get things off your chest that are upsetting/ annoying/disappointing you then you feel better about it. Or that's how I am.

FOJN · 16/04/2022 11:01

Shouting and swearing are not OK but I'm struggling to see how he was lacking in empathy.

You were upset, he gave you a cuddle, told you you looked lovely and suggested you buy new clothes if you didn't feel good in the ones you already owned.

He comforted you, reassured you and suggested a solution, unless there is more to this I'm not sure what else he could have done.

What else did you need him to do?

DrSbaitso · 16/04/2022 11:03

Why does he think you can afford new clothes and you think you can't?

MolliciousIntent · 16/04/2022 11:07

@FOJN

Shouting and swearing are not OK but I'm struggling to see how he was lacking in empathy.

You were upset, he gave you a cuddle, told you you looked lovely and suggested you buy new clothes if you didn't feel good in the ones you already owned.

He comforted you, reassured you and suggested a solution, unless there is more to this I'm not sure what else he could have done.

What else did you need him to do?

This.

He did everything right in the first instance, and you seemingly then picked a bit of a fight rather than pulling yourself together and getting on with the day. The shouting and storming off is not on, obviously, but the continued whining about not looking great was definitely not a good way to start the day.

If you need to have a conversation with your husband about your self esteem/image/emotions etc, maybe pick a better moment than when you're on your way out? Never a good idea to start a heartfelt chat about feelings when there's somewhere you need to be!

VladmirsPoutine · 16/04/2022 11:07

I think he was BU for shouting but I do think you need to communicate to him that it's not always about finding a solution, sometimes you just do need to get things off your chest.

AndAsIfByMagic · 16/04/2022 11:09

He shouldn't have shouted but you were very annoying.

Fairislefandango · 16/04/2022 11:10

He comforted you and suggested buying new clothes. How is that not showing empathy? What else was he supposed to do? I don't really see why you continued trying to explain after he'd already responded sympathetically. What was it that you felt he had failed to understand?

FairyCakeWings · 16/04/2022 11:11

He did show empathy though because he gave you a cuddle, showed some understanding and offered a solution. What more do you want?

If you just want a big whine and whinge fest without any response from him, then you need to tell him that so that he doesn’t try and put it into perspective or fix it for you.

Momicrone · 16/04/2022 11:42

Moaning about feeling unattractive is a bit serious indulge

Momicrone · 16/04/2022 11:43

*self indulgent!

ldontWanna · 16/04/2022 11:48

If he had nodded and agreed and stayed quiet would you have taken that as confirmation that you look crap and are unattractive?

What exactly did you want him to do... concrete actions and words?

Fireflygal · 16/04/2022 11:55

He was empathic but got frustrated with you when he felt you were over the top.

If you were feeling very needy/insecure could he really have placated you?

I don't think our partners are supposed to be able to soothe all our negative emotions. They can try but ultimately it is our responsibility to soothe ourselves, especially when emotions are strong.

neverbeenskiing · 16/04/2022 11:56

He shouldn't have shouted, but I get his frustration tbh. He gave you a cuddle, and told you that you look lovely and that wasn't enough so he suggested you buy some new clothes, but that wasn't right either. What more did you want from him? I don't think it's at all fair to say he lacks empathy.

sweetbambi · 16/04/2022 12:25

he really did try his best I feel. granted he should not have lost his temper like that but I can understand. he tried to comfort you, he tried telling you that you look great and he tried to find a solution to make you feel good again. he just wanted a nice day out so was frustrated that he might not get that even though he tried everything he could to make it happen

Nidan2Sandan · 16/04/2022 12:59

You picked a fight with him as you were upset about how you looked.

He tried to reassure you, and yeah, he probably couldn't understand why you were making a fuss about clothing. But you were mean to him and he lost his cool.

Original poster

fffffeeeedddduupp · 16/04/2022 13:17

I just wanted a few minutes to offload. The switch from cuddle to swearing at me was about 2 minutes so was it genuine? I agree if I was going on and on but surely I can have a few minutes self indulgence? Telling me about Ukraine is surely mean. I have told him in past sometimes I just want to talk but he doesn't remember.

OP posts:

Original poster

fffffeeeedddduupp · 16/04/2022 13:17

@Nidan2Sandan

You picked a fight with him as you were upset about how you looked.

He tried to reassure you, and yeah, he probably couldn't understand why you were making a fuss about clothing. But you were mean to him and he lost his cool.

What did i say?

OP posts:

Patchbatch · 16/04/2022 13:20

Dh interrupted me and said I was being over the top and referenced Ukraine

I hate hate hate it when people do this- he is being unreasonable.

Original poster

fffffeeeedddduupp · 16/04/2022 13:20

@ldontWanna

If he had nodded and agreed and stayed quiet would you have taken that as confirmation that you look crap and are unattractive?

What exactly did you want him to do... concrete actions and words?

Just listen really

OP posts:

Original poster

fffffeeeedddduupp · 16/04/2022 13:21

@DrSbaitso

Why does he think you can afford new clothes and you think you can't?

He knows we can't

OP posts:

Unsureaboutit9 · 16/04/2022 13:23

YABU he did show empathy but got frustrated when you kept carrying it on. It’s frustrating not being able to afford new clothes, but great you can afford a day out, sometimes you just have to make the best of what you have.

AlexaShutUp · 16/04/2022 13:28

Sounds like you were being a bit martyrish to me, OP, which is always annoying for other people. He shouldn't have shouted or sworn at you, but I understand him being irritated by you going on about it.

ldontWanna · 16/04/2022 13:28

@fffffeeeedddduupp how is he normally when you just want a whinge/moan and him to listen?

Does he ever just listen or tries to shut you up either with cuddles/there there and you instantly have to be better or telling you that there's nothing to be upset about?

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