Re lack of empathy

[fffffeeeedddduupp]

I got upset yesterday it could be hormones I don't know. But basically I feel like none of my clothes ever look right or go together . We can't afford new clothes at moment. We were going out and I got frustrated. I went downstairs upset dh gave me a cuddle and said I look lovely which was nice. I tried to explain why I was upset and he said well but clothes if it's that bad. I said I wouldn't do that and tried again to explain why I was upset. Dh interrupted me and said I was being over the top and referenced Ukraine. Now I totally agree that feeling unattractive is a first world problem but I felt like he was trying to shut me up. The whole conversation was only a few minutes so it wasn't like I'd being complaining all day. And if I can't talk to him about the small stuff who can I? I told him I felt like he was silcencing me and he shouted and swore saying "are we having a nice fucking day out or not" and stormed out the room. Aibu?

You sound needy sorry

@Unsureaboutit9

YABU he did show empathy but got frustrated when you kept carrying it on. It’s frustrating not being able to afford new clothes, but great you can afford a day out, sometimes you just have to make the best of what you have.

A free Easter egg hunt and picnic at local country park.

@AlexaShutUp

Sounds like you were being a bit martyrish to me, OP, which is always annoying for other people. He shouldn't have shouted or sworn at you, but I understand him being irritated by you going on about it.

I disagree about it being a bit martyrish.

The OP wanted to look nice and it's so frustrating when you can't find anything in the wardrobe, or when you put something on, it doesn't look quite right.

Yes, it's a first-world problem, but none of us are saints and we all want to be happy. Looking nice makes OP happy. If she doesn't think she looks nice, it will affect her enjoyment of the day.

[quote ldontWanna]@fffffeeeedddduupp how is he normally when you just want a whinge/moan and him to listen?

Does he ever just listen or tries to shut you up either with cuddles/there there and you instantly have to be better or telling you that there's nothing to be upset about?[/quote]
Tbf he's not great at it so maybe I set him up to fail. I don't really have anyone to talk to about stuff so want to talk to him. He does moan about small stuff to me too

If she doesn't think she looks nice, it will affect her enjoyment of the day.

Yes, but what's the point of going on and on about it? She shared how she was feeling, he gave her a hug and told her that she looked lovely. That would have been the time to move on, but she continued to complain, at which point he suggested that she buy some new clothes if it was bothering her that much. She then said she wouldn't because they couldn't afford it, at which point he was probably wondering why she felt the need to labour the point.

I think OP just wanted to talk it through perhaps, and then felt frustrated when he attempted to shut her down?

@fffffeeeedddduupp I suppose that's the main issue. You need something he can't or won't give you. Every time it happens the frustration builds up, possibly on both sides.

Have a talk with him once this blows over and you are both calmer and in a better place. Tell him sometimes you just need him to listen. He doesn't have to fix anything,offer any suggestions or try to make it/you better. Just listen. Maybe you can come up with some words you can say when that's the case. See what he says and how he reacts and go from there.

You know him better than us and if it's a case of him not coping with you being upset so he's looking for a quick fix or if he can't actually be bothered to deal with it/listen.

Do you not have friends or family that could also work as a listening ear? OH is also rather crap at it so that's what my best friend is for.

OP, I think this is down to problems in communication, something you can bring up when you're further from the discussion.

He was focused on a solution and trying to fix the problem. You didn't want a solution, but instead wanted to vent about the problem. He got frustrated because he felt like you were rejecting his help and were wallowing; you got frustrated because you felt like he wasn't listening and was being impatient.

When things have calmed down and the moment's passed, I think it's worth talking with him and telling him that sometimes you just want a sympathetic ear to listen to you offload. Acknowledge that it might be frustrating for him to feel helpless, but actually that just listening is the help.

And try to set a kind of internal timer for venting (say, no more than 3 or 5 minutes), so that it doesn't spiral or take over the day.

A free Easter egg hunt and picnic at local country park.

To be fair I see his point even more if you were just having a strop about your normal every day clothes when you were trying to go for a nice day out. Having a moan is understandable but he was just trying to make you feel better, if he’d have said nothing you’d have probably been frustrated at that too. He shouldn’t have shouted though. Hopefully you managed to enjoy the day out anyway.