Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU and a shit friend/parent?

50 replies

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/04/2022 09:08

My friend is really cross that my DS doesn't interact with hers when he comes over to play and is pissed off that I don't step in. She thinks DS is rude and I should be doing something about it.

AIBU?

Thing is DS is 9 and is autistic. He can chat and interact but has pretty much zero interest in doing so with a 3 year old. All DS wants to do is play on his switch. It's not even arranged get togethers. Mostly she drops in when passing as her DS wants to play with mine (who then pretty much ignores him).

Yesterday she was obviously cross about it. I had invited another friend and her son round. He's the same age as DS, also autistic, and also obsessed with his switch. They were happily engrossed in their game together, which is wonderful to see as these kids are always so lonely. Other friend then turns up with her DS who gets upset that the big boys are ignoring him. He's not allowed to join in with the games as mum won't allow it and the older boys don't want to run around in the garden.

AIBU to not make DS turn off his device to play with her DS for a while?

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 16/04/2022 09:09

Yanbu - could you have a conversation with her about it?

Sunnysidegold · 16/04/2022 09:12

Does she understand your son's autism?

I can't see many neurotypical nine year olds being able to play for a great length of time with a three year old at the best of times unless they know them pretty well.

Alwayspaintyournails · 16/04/2022 09:13

She needs to learn to understand that she is coming into your DS’s safe space and demanding things of him that are unfair. Either let the little boy join in the switch or tough luck.
It’s also not your sons job to entertain a 3yr old do she can have her coffee in peace.

Lindy2 · 16/04/2022 09:13

I wouldn't necessarily expect a 9 year old boy to want to chat or play with a 3 year old even without the additional factor of ASD.

Your friend is being unrealistic and unreasonable.

Perhaps it would be better to meet up without the children. They are completely different ages and have completely different interests.

Haus1234 · 16/04/2022 09:15

Even without the autism, it is ridiculous to expect a 9yo who’s happily playing with his friend to entertain a random 3yo. They are completely different ages with completely different entertainment needs.

Original poster

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/04/2022 09:15

I think she understands his autism. She's known him his whole life. But to be fair to her, I wouldn't be surprised at all if she is also autistic (as she's like me) which may be making it harder for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/04/2022 09:18

I've tried having a conversation with her but unfortunately she has an acute case of PFB. There's no reasoning with her when it comes to the world revolving around her DS (who is exceptionally cute).

OP posts:

hangrylady · 16/04/2022 09:20

"I wouldn't necessarily expect a 9 year old boy to want to chat or play with a 3 year old even without the additional factor of ASD".

Definitely. I have an NT 9 year old son and he wouldn't be keen at all. He doesn't like playing with younger kids, with the exception of his 3 year old cousin who adores him because he's his big cousin. Your friend is being ridiculous it's not your sons job to entertain her kid.

StopGo · 16/04/2022 09:21

She should stop using you and DS as drop in childcare. Very few 9 year olds have anything in common with a 3 year old .

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 09:22

OP,
You need to up your boundaries.

She spoiled a lovely moment for you, watching your child have a nice time with a friend, I can only imagine how precious that is.

Your son is under zero obligation to entertain with her child.

She needs to get over herself.

Personally I wouldn't let her in the next time you have the other child over.

Leave them to have their time together.

Blinkingheckythump · 16/04/2022 09:23

It sounds like she wants your son to entertain hers so she doesn't have to. She needs to make friends with parents of similar aged kids

Mummy1608 · 16/04/2022 09:24

Does she remember being nine?? I had to be literally bribed to entertain my baby cousins at that age lol. Yadnbu. No 9yo wants to play with a 3yo! Any age difference more than two years isn't going to be fun play for the older one IMO. Your son's autism isn't central to this situation I think

Branleuse · 16/04/2022 09:24

I think if most of you guys are all autistic then you need to find a direct but kind way to talk to her about expectations.
I think if this woman is your bestie, then she was possibly hoping for the boys to be a bit like cousins.
I think I would talk to my son about greeting guests. Making sure he acknowledges the little boy. Tell your son that the little boy thinks hes amazing and ask if he can give him 10 mins to be polite.
Id also ask my friend to give warning if she is going to get upset about yoyr boy not entertaining hers. Your friend needs to understand that its not fair to expect your son to always be ready to play with a 3 year old when they just drop in. They arent into the same things

Hopefullyoneday12 · 16/04/2022 09:27

YANBU

Original poster

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/04/2022 09:30

I do tell her, quite bluntly to be honest. But it's like telling the cat to stay off the table, in one ear out the other. We won't fall out over it. She gets cross about a lot of stuff and I just ignore it. I just wanted to gauge whether this is something I should be doing something about. She may be cross but she'll still turn up tomorrow for Easter dinner.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2022 09:31

Tell her to text before dropping in. It’s not fair on your DS to just spring a 3-year-old on him to entertain.

Most 3-year-old boys idolise older boys. Doesn’t make it appropriate to force the 9-year-olds to babysit, and the parents should understand that.

cansu · 16/04/2022 09:34

You need to tell her that:

Your ds has very poor social skills and empathy due to his asd and would not be a good playmate for her three year old.
Most 9 year old boys would also not be good at playing with a three year old.

She is being ridiculous.

FairyCakeWings · 16/04/2022 09:35

Even if she didn’t understand his autism, there aren’t many 9 year old boys with or without autism that would be happy to drop whatever they are doing to play with a three year old.

Your friend is rude. If she drops in again and expects this of your ds, don’t let her in. You’re busy. You’ve tried talking to her but she choosing not to see reality so that doesn’t make her a very good person to have around your child.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 16/04/2022 09:36

If guests are specifically invited over then I'd ask my son so play with the little one for 15 mins or so. If they just drop in then no.

lemongreentea · 16/04/2022 09:37

Yanbu

HikingforScenery · 16/04/2022 09:48

I think your friend is being unreasonable.
However, I would have also seize the opportunity for the boys to go into the garden for some fresh air ( give warnings, wait for them finish, etc etc).

Goldbar · 16/04/2022 09:55

YANBU. The adults (and mainly her) are responsible for entertaining the 3 year old, not your 9yo. She needs to bring toys for him so he's got something to do. Tbh though, why is she bringing her child to your house anyway if there are no similar-aged children to play with? If she has no one to leave him with and wants a nice chilled time with you without being bothered with her child, then she needs to bring a tablet/ask you to put cartoons on the TV for him.

Of course younger kids are drawn to older kids...my DC is like a moth to a flame when they come across older ones playing at the playground. Doesn't mean I let my DC hound them and interrupt their games, though.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 16/04/2022 10:02

She thinks DS is rude and I should be doing something about it.

If she actually said this to you, I would be very pissed at her. How entitled of her and it really doesn't sound like she does understand your son has autism.

Lizziekisss · 16/04/2022 10:03

You are not being unreasonable, she is being ridiculous. No nine year old boy would be interested in a three year old no matter how cute. Especially if they turn up uninvited.

Chely · 16/04/2022 10:10

Sounds like she just doesn't want to entertain her young child herself.
Autistic or not I wouldn't force and older child to entertain a younger one if they didn't want to.

Flip

1 2