AIBU and a shit friend/parent?

[BringBackCoffeeCreams]

My friend is really cross that my DS doesn't interact with hers when he comes over to play and is pissed off that I don't step in. She thinks DS is rude and I should be doing something about it.

AIBU?

Thing is DS is 9 and is autistic. He can chat and interact but has pretty much zero interest in doing so with a 3 year old. All DS wants to do is play on his switch. It's not even arranged get togethers. Mostly she drops in when passing as her DS wants to play with mine (who then pretty much ignores him).

Yesterday she was obviously cross about it. I had invited another friend and her son round. He's the same age as DS, also autistic, and also obsessed with his switch. They were happily engrossed in their game together, which is wonderful to see as these kids are always so lonely. Other friend then turns up with her DS who gets upset that the big boys are ignoring him. He's not allowed to join in with the games as mum won't allow it and the older boys don't want to run around in the garden.

AIBU to not make DS turn off his device to play with her DS for a while?

YANBU. My 11 year who has autism doesn't even interact with kids with own age much less a child much younger.

Your friend is being a CF.

YANBU. It's tricky with older ones and little ones esp when the parents of little ones and very restrictive about "screen time". I've mostly allowed my 2 to regulate their own screen time as the kids I've seen where it's restricted become obsessed with it. It loses its allure of there's no emotion attached to it. However a close friend and my sister won't allow screens for their much younger children so when they're here its awkward as my 2 are allowed it and it just turns into a battle. I refuse to ask my DC to give up what they're doing because of someone else's parenting style. Maybe explain that if she let her child join in with what they're doing he'd get some time with the "big boys"

As long as he said hello to the kid, he's under no obligation to entertain him! Mine are 9 and 12, they would chat for a bit then go off upstairs/outside. I would suggest to your son to say hello, then when he's had enough to go up to his room. He's not a babysitter and not all people love kids! I imagine being autistic would also make him more introverted too.

Why would a 9 year old want to play with a 3 year old? I’m not surprised your son ignores him, I’m sure most 9year old lads would do the same. Your friends very strange if she thinks otherwise.

Why on earth would a 9 year old want to play with a 3 year old. She needs to get her head out her arse

I'm realising increasingly that my friend is suffering from severe PFB syndrome. It started as soon as she was pregnant but is escalating into absolutely batshit levels.

It was DS's birthday this weekend so I sent her a message saying we're having cake later if she wanted to drop by. She messaged me back asking what cake I was making. I tell her. She then messages me back asking me to do a different one that PFB likes as he doesn't like the one I'm making. She wants me to deny my autistic kid his favourite cake on his birthday in favour of something PFB prefers. Thankfully, being autistic myself, I had no problem telling her she was being an utter knobber.

But the real batshit came out when she got here. She was very cross, but not at me this time. At her ex. PFB had been with his dad who'd gone to a shop in the next town with him and she was furious about it. It's a lovely lakeside tourist town but a week ago someone was shot and killed there. A late night drunken fight between gang members, and the culprit was arrested at the time. And friend could not believe that ex was so stupid as to put PFB at risk by taking him to Lidl on a Saturday afternoon in such a place.

She has absolutely lost the plot.

She really has lost it! The crime thing is a separate irrational thing and I know a few (non parents) who are irrational about crime and find it hard to weigh up probabilities. That's just poor cognitive reasoning (sorry to sound mean) and can't be cured.

But the birthday cake thing is something else and really concerning. She seems to think it's your son's responsibility to adapt his activities/enjoyment/life for her son, as if they are siblings. They aren't siblings. They aren't really even friends because their ages are too different. I would explain this to your friend. "Your son is not my son's friend. He is his mother's friend's son. When we invite you both over it's because I want to see you, not because he wants to see him."

How can you be friends with this simpleton?

she sounds like an utter idiot.

Just to explain what I mean - if they were brothers, and let's say younger bro is allergic to chocolate, it would be reasonable to give older brother Victoria sponge birthday cake even if he prefers chocolate. But in this case obviously "oh he can't have chocolate? Never mind, we'll see you another time" - it sounds like you've said that already anyway

I'd only expect a 9 year old to really engage with a 3 year old at the park or perhaps to build them towers to knock down. Certainly a 9 year old, with autism, at home, already engaged in something AND no prior warning?!

1. She has unrealistic expectations of her 3 year old.
2. She could easily seek out a play group to socialise her child as other people there will be looking to do that.

100% this!⬆️
She's coming into YOUR home & if she was any kind of actual real friend, she'd completely understand. She either needs to let her son play electronic games or bring stuff to amuse him separately or stop bloody coming & trying to force something on everyone. And she definitely needs to have a word with herself & stop being pissed off about it all! Who does she think she is?? 😡

Wow just read upur latest.

She needs to step back and reflect on what she's expecting of everyone!

@cansu - I know this was written last week, but ffs, he does not lack empathy and have zero social skills, and if he did it wasn't automatically because he's autistic.

Have to call out this shit when I see it.

Clearly he is capable of socialising, and saying that autistic people have no empathy is just not true. If anything, lots of autistic people have too much empathy and become overwhelmed by it.

So stop peddling this horribly damaging crap.

Sorry OP, as you were. Although painful, at least each example of friend's behaviour shows you it's her, not you.

She has extremely unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. If you don't mind dealing with her PFB syndrome, that's okay, but it sounds exhausting to have to constantly come up against such strange and selfish behaviour.

I would be fiercely protective of your son's happiness, where she's involved, because she clearly has crazy expectations of how much interest most 9yo children will take in a 3yo. Asking that he not have his favourite cake for his birthday is just mean, imo, and I wouldn't trust her to be reasonable about anything, from now on.

My 9yo would have zero interest in playing with a 3yo. He'd have to be bribed with computer time or sweets into a quick run around the garden.

Honestly your friend sounds really rude, especially trying to eat into the time he has to spend with his friends.

I'd just stop the dropin visits tbh.

This is a new level of PFB. Her child can have their favourite cake, on THEIR OWN actual birthday! Her expectations are totally unreasonable

Because I can mostly see past the batshittery. She has a good heart and genuinely doesn't mean to be a pain in the arse. I've seen her sadness because she knows people don't like her, wants things to be different but doesn't have the ability to change. I said earlier that I believe she's autistic like me, however she's way more rigid in her thinking than I am. She knows her faults, because I tell her all the time, she doesn't get upset about being told, but she does get upset about not being able to change her mindset.

I would nip this in the bud. What 9 year old wants to play with a three year old. I had a " friend" try that one on me.. you are not her drop in crèche.

👆100% this

I couldn't even get my own sister to play with me when I was 5 years her junior so I'm not at all surprised that your 9 year old doesn't want to be playing with a 3 year old, irrespective of the ASD.

I'm guessing the mother with the 3 year old, that's her first child right? She wants everyone to be interested and play with her child, right?

Feck that for a game of soldiers!

I actually hadn't read the whole thread before I posted and I'm delighted to see that she is a PFB mother. It sticks out like a sore thumb.

Perhaps she should start introducing her PFB to other PFB's around the neighbourhood. Start up her own social circle for PFB and their parents? Could you suggest that??

It's not really about the autism. Your son didn't choose to have these people invited over. Why should he have to be the free entertainment?

OMG! Please tell me you laughed at her ridiculous statement about going to Lidl in the town where someone got shot?
Does she realise that there are very very very few places on the planet that people haven't died???
Have you even tried to reverse the situation that you were very anxious about your other half taking your son to an Aldi in a town where someone was shot and get her impression? If she said to you that you're barking mad to be worried about such a thing, then you have your answer.

I really do think it's time that she started to find her own group of batshit crazy PFB parents who can set up their own support group for such batshittery!!!

I did, and I told her she was off her trolley and asked why she thought some biker gang living out in the forest would go to Lidl to shoot her PFB in broad daylight. She knows it's nuts but at the same time says but she still feels the way she feels, even when she knows it's nuts.

It sounds a very unequal friendship. What does she add to your life? Does she invite get you for dinner, cake etc or is it pretty much one-sided?

No one is owed a friendship.

It sounds unequal as this is my corner to moan in. But she is also very kind and generous. I'm disabled and sometimes the housework gets on top of me so she'll come round and do it all. One time, before PFB, she came round to feed the cat while I was away and polished all DS's shoes and filled them with sweets (as is customary in her home country). It was so thoughtful and more indicative of who she is than the current madness.